Venting Tired

[FailureToAll]

I'm so tired of having to act okay. My parents are aware of my mental health issues but they worry a lot and if I act as bad as I feel idk what they would do. It's not even like I have to do much, I don't work right now. All my parents ask me to do is the dishes and I also play with my nephew for an hour every night and put him to bed some nights so they can relax after work. Yet just those things feel exhausting. I dread playing with my nephew, and I feel like such an evil person but I just don't want to be around anyone and he's so hyper and I have to act so happy all the while I feel frustrated and on the edge of snapping and I've been snapping at my parents a few times lately nothing major but I'm usually a quiet person and I hate confrontation and things so it's unusual for me and I feel like I'm breaking I seriously can't cope being around people anymore. I want to isolate. I'm dreading the weekend as everyone will be home and ill have to spend more time acting fine. I'm so fucking exhausted and everything feels like too much effort and nothing at all is enjoyable anymore. I know I can't ctb for awhile so really I should be taking steps to make myself feel a little better so that things feel manageable until I can ctb but I just can't find the motivation to do a single thing it's frustrating everything feels pointless because I will die soon but at the same time I need to change my attitude or I will lose the ability to atleast fake being okay until I can ctb. Idk what to do I complain and know I need to do something yet still don't want to actually make any changes. Idkidkidk. I'm so stressed about the future like what if I never have the courage to ctb and the longer I waste time in this weird limbo doing nothing to help myself the worse I make my future. Like I already got myself into debt thinking I would ctb already and now I don't have the income to pay it off and idk what I'm going to do and I still keep ober spending on binge food bcuz it's the only thing that fills the void but that's for such a short time and making me unhealthy and in more debt yet I can't control myself. I'm so frustrated with myself for everything. I really should find an income but I can't stand the anxiety of having to interact with more people and I have no energy to do anything and aghh what do I do idk all my problems have such easy solutions it's just I'm too much of a pathetic person to fix them myself

 

[Lynx.]

Having to constantly put up a mask in front of others and to pretend that nothing is wrong is surely exhausting - if only we could all do an effort to truly understand each other and all our complex emotions, that would at least lift up some of our pains...

Like I already got myself into debt thinking I would ctb already and now I don't have the income to pay it off and idk what I'm going to do and I still keep ober spending on binge food bcuz it's the only thing that fills the void but that's for such a short time and making me unhealthy and in more debt yet I can't control myself

Yeah. I haven't gotten myself into debt, but my life is derailing before my very eyes since I didn't really plan for this long ahead - can't even land a job so far, even though I have completed my studies, for some reason nobody replies to most of my job applications. Family pressures me constantly into doing something with my life, and even though they don't do it with a bad intention, it still hurts. What is someone like me to do? I'm incapable of spending more than two hours in a working environment without suddenly feeling like wanting to jump from the window, and I get easily distracted with everything - can't even mantain much information and I also can't communicate properly with everyone else.

What am I supposed to do? I don't want to go through that, even though everyone insists I should - so it's either being miserable for my whlole life, or it comes down to finding a way to CTB before I am forced to be a functional adult.

I just want to lay on the ground... Forever.

I really should find an income but I can't stand the anxiety of having to interact with more people and I have no energy to do anything and aghh what do I do idk all my problems have such easy solutions it's just I'm too much of a pathetic person to fix them myself

'I am not well: I could have built the pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling on to life and reason' -Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice.

I sometimes think of that quote randomly - to know that deep inside my exhaustion is not normal is helpful, in a way. I could have done many things, if it was not for the fact that everything exhausts me and I can only taste the bitterness in things.

I'm sorry you have to go through all this.
Many hugs to you ♥

 

[FailureToAll]

Having to constantly put up a mask in front of others and to pretend that nothing is wrong is surely exhausting - if only we could all do an effort to truly understand each other and all our complex emotions, that would at least lift up some of our pains...



Yeah. I haven't gotten myself into debt, but my life is derailing before my very eyes since I didn't really plan for this long ahead - can't even land a job so far, even though I have completed my studies, for some reason nobody replies to most of my job applications. Family pressures me constantly into doing something with my life, and even though they don't do it with a bad intention, it still hurts. What is someone like me to do? I'm incapable of spending more than two hours in a working environment without suddenly feeling like wanting to jump from the window, and I get easily distracted with everything - can't even mantain much information and I also can't communicate properly with everyone else.

What am I supposed to do? I don't want to go through that, even though everyone insists I should - so it's either being miserable for my whlole life, or it comes down to finding a way to CTB before I am forced to be a functional adult.

I just want to lay on the ground... Forever.

'I am not well: I could have built the pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling on to life and reason' -Franz Kafka, Letters to Felice.

I sometimes think of that quote randomly - to know that deep inside my exhaustion is not normal is helpful, in a way. I could have done many things, if it was not for the fact that everything exhausts me and I can only taste the bitterness in things.

I'm sorry you have to go through all this.
Many hugs to you ♥

I'm sorry you're going through all that.
I wish we could just lay on the ground forever that sounds good right now.

I didn't know that quote before but I like it.

Many hugs to you too

 

[Amidaa]

i totally understand you on this have to go through days and night with mask on 24/7. but i'm also slowy losing it the mask i starting to crack.
and i know i can't talk to anyone about it nor vent that much about it. having trouble at home is already dreadful they always but the burden on me that i'm the one that have to respect them no matter what and always be there for them no matter what but i'm not the one who brought me here i'm not the one that brought me to a new country so that they would cure my sickness. like i always told them you just should left me for dead the only reason why you did that is because so you want me to be what you wanted to be and got rid of your own failure just to make your self feel better that it. and at work is also dreadful i thought i will at least have some peace there just let me do my job and leave me alone but because i'm the tech person or have common sense they always come to me to fix there stuff so i always have to do long hours and not on thank u or appreciation just because i can't be a ass hole like most people and just be like no it your problem fix it your self. just tired of it no matter where you go on this hellish of planet and existence we will just be used like ass even if you are a good person. i hope you will get some rest or get stuffed fix until then. best wishes and let it go a little easier for the remaining days