I'm getting closer to CTB, I have a slipknot ready, I've tested my wardrobes metal bar thing. Tomorrow I'm going to get a health directive from the doctor, essentially stating that I do not want any life saving care. I'm hoping it all goes well, there is only one time a doctor has ever been concerned of whether or not I'd kill myself, and I was able to talk her out of any intervention, as long as I stay calm and probably make up some bs I should be good. I'm scared, I feel bad for leaving my family, or well, most of them. My mother recently lost her mother and almost lost her brother, I'm worried what me dying will do, but she is strong and I think she will get through it. I'm sad I won't be there as my nephew grows up, he's one of the few things in this world I actually care about. I feel bad for leaving my other nieces and nephews too, but realistically I haven't been around much for them anyway.
This is half vent post half trying to hype myself up to end it all, there are so many things about life I genuinely enjoy, but realistically I will never experience them, and there is a pain that will follow me for my entire life, and I just can't handle it, I can't handle that feeling of being put on a pedastal, loving someone, only to find out how little I was really worth to them.
I've tried to look up people who have had near death experiences and what they describe, the most common one was like it was sinking into a black void, I kind of like that, it's what I've envisioned before, it gives me a warm comfort.
I'm kind of glad I had this place to post to, even though it's dark, knowing there was atleast one place where I could talk about this freely, it was nice. I wish things had gone differently in my life, maybe if I was born in a different family, maybe if I never reconnected with someone, maybe I could have been happy here. As naive as it is, I hope there is something after this life, somewhere where I can recover and be happy, I'd like that I think.
This will probably be my last post here, I might do some more lurking, but I think venting here is making it easier to live, and right now I need to keep pushing myself to CTB.
This is half vent post half trying to hype myself up to end it all, there are so many things about life I genuinely enjoy, but realistically I will never experience them, and there is a pain that will follow me for my entire life, and I just can't handle it, I can't handle that feeling of being put on a pedastal, loving someone, only to find out how little I was really worth to them.
I've tried to look up people who have had near death experiences and what they describe, the most common one was like it was sinking into a black void, I kind of like that, it's what I've envisioned before, it gives me a warm comfort.
I'm kind of glad I had this place to post to, even though it's dark, knowing there was atleast one place where I could talk about this freely, it was nice. I wish things had gone differently in my life, maybe if I was born in a different family, maybe if I never reconnected with someone, maybe I could have been happy here. As naive as it is, I hope there is something after this life, somewhere where I can recover and be happy, I'd like that I think.
This will probably be my last post here, I might do some more lurking, but I think venting here is making it easier to live, and right now I need to keep pushing myself to CTB.
