I'm so tired. I never want to leave my house or get up. I wish laying in bed was enough. I'm so depressed but I'm not writing this because this is recent, I've been laying in bed doing nothing for a while. I have no where to be. sometimes when I'm laying in bed I think that I wish I could just die. Like that i didn't have to go through this whole process. If my body could just give up in this second that would be just what I want.
On another note I'm almost done my suicide notes. I know my method and I've done some research and feel pretty good with it. But one stupid thing. I have my doctors appointment next week. And I'm going to tell her most things, not my method I need to keep that for my own escape. I'm not telling her because I think it will help but I'm doing it because when I write in my suicide notes that I tried everything to stay alive I wanna mean it. I wanna know I tried for myself as well. I have experience in the system and they most likely aren't going to do anything for me. Worst comes to worst I'll have to wait a year which I can do, I'll just need to update my notes. I know this is stupid but I feel less guilty this way.
On another note I'm almost done my suicide notes. I know my method and I've done some research and feel pretty good with it. But one stupid thing. I have my doctors appointment next week. And I'm going to tell her most things, not my method I need to keep that for my own escape. I'm not telling her because I think it will help but I'm doing it because when I write in my suicide notes that I tried everything to stay alive I wanna mean it. I wanna know I tried for myself as well. I have experience in the system and they most likely aren't going to do anything for me. Worst comes to worst I'll have to wait a year which I can do, I'll just need to update my notes. I know this is stupid but I feel less guilty this way.
