Tired of me

[weonaestupida]

I've been feeling very tired, especially this year, I think is the phrase that I use the most "I'm tired"
This year I started studying in an University, the dream of my life but I can't feel good, and when I'm mentally stable I do everything to change that for the worse. I quit marihuana and a achieve almost seven months but I started to smoke like five days ago, also I've been drinking everyday. I know that those two things makes everything worse for my treatment but I'm tired. This year I cut myself more times than my whole life and once I did it in the bathroom of Uni. I'm tired.
Once I posted in the recovery forum saying that I felt so good and happy about my life and myself, but guess what, I was in the middle of a maniac episode, so it wasn't a real happiness.
I wish I had the guts to kill myself but I can't, at least now my desire it's not ctb but harm myself in any way possible. because the truth is that I hate myself and I'm a bad person but with me, not with the people that are in my life.
Having so many diagnosis and fighting with addiction my entire life has to have an end, maybe soon.

 

[rosenwasser]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a terrible first year at uni too. Still having a bad time of we're being honest. But I have moments of satisfaction now and then, so I have that going for me.
It really is understandable that you smoke and drink in all this stress. I self-harmed because of uni countless times. It doesn't make you a bad person. Battling with addiction is one of the hardest things one can experience and it is completely understandable that you want to ctb.
I'm not sure in what headspace you're right now reading your post and what source of support you need but in general - feel free to take a break. From uni and expectations.
If you want to ctb you can use that time to contemplate the method and if you still think there is something to recover, you're welcome in the recovery section anytime.
I wish you some calm, rest and peace in whatever form you might need it.