Three Failed Attempts

[PorcelainDollEyebag]

I've had a lot happen in my life, and some of the most brutal murders I've had to witness were persons I had come to love and see a future with. I have had three previously failed attempts on taking my life where each of the attempts had somehow failed in pretty much laws of physics and chemistry breaking manners. Nowadays I've been struggling to sleep due to horrid flashbacks, and with 4th of July going on in the United States, the sounds would cause me to relive trauma harshly to the point I'd regain my senses in my own vomit. I have several dates and methods for CTB planned out, but I can't help it but think about the rakugo tale of shinigami, where there is a destined time to die and there is little a mortal can do if it's not meant to be. I am envious of my friends who have succeeded in CTB. Is my life truly just to be tormented by reliving the people I love the most and how they died horribly? There is so much beauty in having control over one's end, and I feel it more everytime I regain my senses after a flashback. Has anybody else had several failed suicides?

 

[FuneralCry]

That just sounds so horrible what you've been through, existence certainly is so hellish to me and I've never properly attempted because of the fear that the attempt would go wrong and also because of limited access to reliable methods, failing suicide is exactly what I fear and I also envy those who managed to escape from all the suffering, they are the true fortunate ones to me. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.