Thoughts on Suicide Pacts or Dying Together?

[missporcelain]

**PLEASE NOTE: Though I have been contemplating suicide (for years, but especially within the last couple years), I would never encourage someone to take their own life, nor am I about to. Ironic that I cannot take my own advice, but before I continue posting, I want to make that known. I believe that life is beautiful and sacred, but our own, individualized human experiences are very different.

I cannot believe I am even typing this on a public forum, but if anyone is wanting to exit this life, but not exit it alone...please feel free to comment your thoughts. I feel like I'm searching for a "Meetups" group for a hike...only this time, a meetup to potentially die. It feels so wrong to type that, but this is the only place on the internet where I feel I can do so.

I have these intense moments of wishing to die (I have prescription benzos/leftover opioids from an ER stay 3 years ago), but I do not desire a cruel, isolated way of it. My family and friends are who I think of the most, and though death of any form would be traumatizing, I wish to choose the least mutilative way. I don't want to die in a dark, scary, and lonely way (i.e. hanging myself in the woods), and want to be as humanly "in tact" as possible if/when I go. When I imagine the harm that I'd cause to loved ones and the grief, it hurts me too. But even if I were to die by uncontrollable life circumstances, the grief would still be there. I plan to leave behind a letter and as much explanation as possible.

Right now, I feel I am coming more to terms with life and that even if things get better, good, or even up to my idealized expectations, the lows and looming depression always follow. They never go away. I have tried everything; tried to trust God and pour myself into my creative pursuits. But I am at a loss. Through every high, achievement, breakthrough, and great beams of hope, the lows and reality are beginning to severely outweigh the good. I have suffered from seizures over the last year, lost a huge amount of independency, and my options for work, pursuing my passions, and dreams have all faded. My car was totaled a month ago, I'm living in my childhood bedroom, only work 2-3 days/week, and I feel like I am stuck in a motion blur photograph, where all of life is passing by so quickly...while you're stuck in the mix and unable to move.

The seizures I experience mostly come at nighttime, which has made sleeping feel like cruel and unusual punishment. Recovering from even a 3-5 min seizure can take days to fully feel healed from. It's a feeling as though you're on a hangover and recovering from a nasty flu, all in one. There is an intense depression and hopelessness - one so very hard to explain - to accompany. And all I can think is,

"Is this what life is?" But on the outside, I look fine. I'm athletic, can plaster on makeup to hide everything I'm dealing with inside, and would be considered a "high functioning" depressed individual. People think I'm killing it at life...but really...life is killing me. I'm on medications I hate, can't keep up with the fast pace of America and its demands, must work harder to become independent again, but the seizures come with a vengeance every time I try. It's like carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and everything is just too heavy. Again, I share this to be honest and real. I don't want to trigger someone, and if anyone reading this (if anyone is even reading it) were sitting with me in the living room right now, I'd tell you that your life is sacred, there is beauty to be found in the pain, and if you are still breathing, you still have purpose, and I've prayed these big prayers before that every single person on the planet would at some point truly feel loved.

But I really, truly don't feel it in my heart for myself. I feel like a failure, feel like I lost the societal memo to get married and have a normal job and 5 babies by age 29 (I will be 30 next year, and the new decade haunts me), feel like a disappointment to people, a burden, and as thankful as I am to my parents for providing a safe space for me as I've struggled with my health to debilitating levels...life feels more and more bleak, meaningless, and agonizing. Death, I think, is only a terrifying concept because we've never experienced it, and society deems it the "worst" day of someone's life. Therefore, we are taught at an early age to fear it, even though at some point, 100% of us will die. Death is the one experience we cannot escape. And so, as I lean into my last year of my 20s, I realize more and more that if I'm not taken out by life...I want to be the one who decides how I go.

People say that if you cannot solve a problem or situation, the solution is to remove yourself from it. That is how I feel about life.

 

[closetoyou]

I've heard some instances of people trying to have suicide partners here and, in the admittedly few examples I've heard, one of the partners seems to always drop out. I think a lot of hinges on not wanting to be completely alone in your last moment. And being with somebody else, who understands what you're going through, can be comforting. But I also think that, once you actually reach that point and organize a time, place, etc etc - the reality of it all kind of sets in, and it can be kind of confronting. Do you really trust this person? Do you really want to do this? Do you want to do this with them? If anything,

But, you're probably not going to ask a close friend to exit with you. I guess some people find partners here, but I don't really recall people initiating that with users they've befriended or whatever. It's usually just strangers. Speaking for myself and my own experience and thoughts now - though I may lack self preservation and understand that others do too, I don't want to see the people I know and care about losing their life. And though you can romanticize last moments with a friend, I wouldn't want to see a friend dying and I wouldn't want them to see that either. It's easier when you don't know that person, but I personally just wouldn't want to exit with somebody I just don't know that well. It'd feel weird. And I think a lot of people get that anxiety once the day actually comes.

But I think I'm largely rambling. Anyway, I enjoyed reading your post. Sorry to hear what you're going through.

 

[TBONTB]

This sounds like sharing about where you are in life and the powerful pain and frustration. I'm sorry your in this place, and that the seizures and depression are causing such pain.

You didn't really bring up a CTB partner in your post, other than the title. Personally, I think that the comfort of having someone with is outweighed by the risk of people being different. What if one person changes their mind? What if the suffering of one is overwhelming to the other? Personally I think if we choose this journey it's wisest alone.

 

[elenaboo25]

There is always the risk that one of the partners doesn't want to do it and calls the police or similar, and then you end up in a mental hospital. I think that is not the goal for most people.

 

[losingsteam3141]

I can definitely understand how having a partner or pact can be comforting in ending ones life but I personally can never bring someone into my own plans. It just doesn't sit right with me that my own desire to die is impacting someone else's desire. Some sort of agreement inherently puts pressure on the other person/people, even though they may not want to or be ready at that moment. Not to mention the multitude of other ways it can go wrong.

 

[cloud;.]

I see the benefits and the drawbacks personally... On one side there is the fact that the person you are going to CTB with can change their mind and they could find themselves phoning for medical help, but on the other side of it they could also just CTB with you without calling for medical help and is fully wanting to do it with you, generally speaking I feel ending oneselfs suffering should actually be more private and sacred as it would be ones final act... but i guess its personal choice and if you wanna CTB with someone then you should.

 

[Kitsune_BCN]

I fantasize about this too but tbh, its not going to happen. To many factors are at play in every moment. One day u want to ctb and the next day u are scared, and the next day u say "lets hold 1 week more".

Ideally it should be someone u know irl and that u trust beyond imagination. Childhood friendship lvl. And this person should be suicidal asf. How many ppl u know ln this situation.

I usally trust ppl online and have made good friends, but idk if its the place for that

 

[itsgone2]

My biggest issue is SI. I'm wondering if a partner would make it easier. Like, ideally I think co is best method but I can't work up the guts. Almost seems like it could be easier. Idk. I also want to do fsh and can't but don't think that would be any easier.