missporcelain
Member
- Sep 24, 2023
- 14
**PLEASE NOTE: Though I have been contemplating suicide (for years, but especially within the last couple years), I would never encourage someone to take their own life, nor am I about to. Ironic that I cannot take my own advice, but before I continue posting, I want to make that known. I believe that life is beautiful and sacred, but our own, individualized human experiences are very different.
I cannot believe I am even typing this on a public forum, but if anyone is wanting to exit this life, but not exit it alone...please feel free to comment your thoughts. I feel like I'm searching for a "Meetups" group for a hike...only this time, a meetup to potentially die. It feels so wrong to type that, but this is the only place on the internet where I feel I can do so.
I have these intense moments of wishing to die (I have prescription benzos/leftover opioids from an ER stay 3 years ago), but I do not desire a cruel, isolated way of it. My family and friends are who I think of the most, and though death of any form would be traumatizing, I wish to choose the least mutilative way. I don't want to die in a dark, scary, and lonely way (i.e. hanging myself in the woods), and want to be as humanly "in tact" as possible if/when I go. When I imagine the harm that I'd cause to loved ones and the grief, it hurts me too. But even if I were to die by uncontrollable life circumstances, the grief would still be there. I plan to leave behind a letter and as much explanation as possible.
Right now, I feel I am coming more to terms with life and that even if things get better, good, or even up to my idealized expectations, the lows and looming depression always follow. They never go away. I have tried everything; tried to trust God and pour myself into my creative pursuits. But I am at a loss. Through every high, achievement, breakthrough, and great beams of hope, the lows and reality are beginning to severely outweigh the good. I have suffered from seizures over the last year, lost a huge amount of independency, and my options for work, pursuing my passions, and dreams have all faded. My car was totaled a month ago, I'm living in my childhood bedroom, only work 2-3 days/week, and I feel like I am stuck in a motion blur photograph, where all of life is passing by so quickly...while you're stuck in the mix and unable to move.
The seizures I experience mostly come at nighttime, which has made sleeping feel like cruel and unusual punishment. Recovering from even a 3-5 min seizure can take days to fully feel healed from. It's a feeling as though you're on a hangover and recovering from a nasty flu, all in one. There is an intense depression and hopelessness - one so very hard to explain - to accompany. And all I can think is,
"Is this what life is?" But on the outside, I look fine. I'm athletic, can plaster on makeup to hide everything I'm dealing with inside, and would be considered a "high functioning" depressed individual. People think I'm killing it at life...but really...life is killing me. I'm on medications I hate, can't keep up with the fast pace of America and its demands, must work harder to become independent again, but the seizures come with a vengeance every time I try. It's like carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and everything is just too heavy. Again, I share this to be honest and real. I don't want to trigger someone, and if anyone reading this (if anyone is even reading it) were sitting with me in the living room right now, I'd tell you that your life is sacred, there is beauty to be found in the pain, and if you are still breathing, you still have purpose, and I've prayed these big prayers before that every single person on the planet would at some point truly feel loved.
But I really, truly don't feel it in my heart for myself. I feel like a failure, feel like I lost the societal memo to get married and have a normal job and 5 babies by age 29 (I will be 30 next year, and the new decade haunts me), feel like a disappointment to people, a burden, and as thankful as I am to my parents for providing a safe space for me as I've struggled with my health to debilitating levels...life feels more and more bleak, meaningless, and agonizing. Death, I think, is only a terrifying concept because we've never experienced it, and society deems it the "worst" day of someone's life. Therefore, we are taught at an early age to fear it, even though at some point, 100% of us will die. Death is the one experience we cannot escape. And so, as I lean into my last year of my 20s, I realize more and more that if I'm not taken out by life...I want to be the one who decides how I go.
People say that if you cannot solve a problem or situation, the solution is to remove yourself from it. That is how I feel about life.
I cannot believe I am even typing this on a public forum, but if anyone is wanting to exit this life, but not exit it alone...please feel free to comment your thoughts. I feel like I'm searching for a "Meetups" group for a hike...only this time, a meetup to potentially die. It feels so wrong to type that, but this is the only place on the internet where I feel I can do so.
I have these intense moments of wishing to die (I have prescription benzos/leftover opioids from an ER stay 3 years ago), but I do not desire a cruel, isolated way of it. My family and friends are who I think of the most, and though death of any form would be traumatizing, I wish to choose the least mutilative way. I don't want to die in a dark, scary, and lonely way (i.e. hanging myself in the woods), and want to be as humanly "in tact" as possible if/when I go. When I imagine the harm that I'd cause to loved ones and the grief, it hurts me too. But even if I were to die by uncontrollable life circumstances, the grief would still be there. I plan to leave behind a letter and as much explanation as possible.
Right now, I feel I am coming more to terms with life and that even if things get better, good, or even up to my idealized expectations, the lows and looming depression always follow. They never go away. I have tried everything; tried to trust God and pour myself into my creative pursuits. But I am at a loss. Through every high, achievement, breakthrough, and great beams of hope, the lows and reality are beginning to severely outweigh the good. I have suffered from seizures over the last year, lost a huge amount of independency, and my options for work, pursuing my passions, and dreams have all faded. My car was totaled a month ago, I'm living in my childhood bedroom, only work 2-3 days/week, and I feel like I am stuck in a motion blur photograph, where all of life is passing by so quickly...while you're stuck in the mix and unable to move.
The seizures I experience mostly come at nighttime, which has made sleeping feel like cruel and unusual punishment. Recovering from even a 3-5 min seizure can take days to fully feel healed from. It's a feeling as though you're on a hangover and recovering from a nasty flu, all in one. There is an intense depression and hopelessness - one so very hard to explain - to accompany. And all I can think is,
"Is this what life is?" But on the outside, I look fine. I'm athletic, can plaster on makeup to hide everything I'm dealing with inside, and would be considered a "high functioning" depressed individual. People think I'm killing it at life...but really...life is killing me. I'm on medications I hate, can't keep up with the fast pace of America and its demands, must work harder to become independent again, but the seizures come with a vengeance every time I try. It's like carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and everything is just too heavy. Again, I share this to be honest and real. I don't want to trigger someone, and if anyone reading this (if anyone is even reading it) were sitting with me in the living room right now, I'd tell you that your life is sacred, there is beauty to be found in the pain, and if you are still breathing, you still have purpose, and I've prayed these big prayers before that every single person on the planet would at some point truly feel loved.
But I really, truly don't feel it in my heart for myself. I feel like a failure, feel like I lost the societal memo to get married and have a normal job and 5 babies by age 29 (I will be 30 next year, and the new decade haunts me), feel like a disappointment to people, a burden, and as thankful as I am to my parents for providing a safe space for me as I've struggled with my health to debilitating levels...life feels more and more bleak, meaningless, and agonizing. Death, I think, is only a terrifying concept because we've never experienced it, and society deems it the "worst" day of someone's life. Therefore, we are taught at an early age to fear it, even though at some point, 100% of us will die. Death is the one experience we cannot escape. And so, as I lean into my last year of my 20s, I realize more and more that if I'm not taken out by life...I want to be the one who decides how I go.
People say that if you cannot solve a problem or situation, the solution is to remove yourself from it. That is how I feel about life.
