This type of mood perfect to go

[Nirrend]

Good evening everyone

I hope you are well,

Although I am doing my best to "get better" even though I have a strong feeling that getting better will only delay the fact that one day I will be forced to end it all, I feel that this kind of state perfectly defines the right time to leave.

No matter how jovial or partially neutral or happy I am in the morning, that despair always comes back all along the day.

These flashes of realisation that I am alone, that the past will never come back, that relationships never last long. All this always comes back to haunt me.

Tonight, like many evenings I've had since I told and fucked up all my plans, the unhappiness persists and I often wonder if I shouldn't end it all.

It's that kind of mood, that kind of state of mind, where I think we are most ready. Because the only danger and suffering I can see is that of living. There is no more SI, there is no more doubt (In the desire to leave, and to hurt me).

What bothers me deeply is that I am not sure that my method is reliable. I'm too afraid to get my hopes up, to tell myself "everything will be peaceful" when it won't, and also to tell myself "it will necessarily work" when it won't.

Yet I have :
-150 morphine pills (10mg each pill), so, about 1500 mg of morphine
-3 100ml bottle of oral morphine, so 600mg of morphine
-more than 220 alprazolam pills, so, about 110mg of alpra
-30 zopiclone pills so, 225mg of it
-Valium (900mg of it)
-Oxy (25mg)

I would so much like to know if I would suffer with this, if I would actually die with this.
I would like to be able to test, to go back if it turns out to be painful and unreliable, and to start again.

The fact that ODs here have not been tested very much, have often been a failure and the fact that people do not say anything good about them, is a huge hindrance.

I know it is a reality and I would be dishonest to run away from it.

But I so want it to work.

Those of you who use SN or have access to N, you impress me and I sometimes envy you a little

I'm too afraid of SN and I would never have access to N but I imagine N would be the best method.

Anyway, I wish you a good evening

Don't suffer too much, at least try ❤

Love ❤

 

[universe]

Good evening,

You seem to be in a lot of pain, I'm sorry for you. I perfectly understand this frozen state of mind: as if stuck without knowing what to do, which direction to take. Your text is very touching, especially on the state of mind before CTB. This notion of "a flash of consciousness" where we feel ready, we would be able to do it right away. I was just thinking about this, how will I behave when I swallow the SN? Would I be calm and aware?

As for overdoses, I don't know much about it, you have a lot of powerful drugs at your fingertips. But I imagine there is the risk of vomiting to consider. Whatever you do I hope your suffering will end and you will find peace. I'm sorry that life has brought you this far.

I send you all my prayers.

 

[Nirrend]

Good evening,

You seem to be in a lot of pain, I'm sorry for you. I perfectly understand this frozen state of mind: as if stuck without knowing what to do, which direction to take. Your text is very touching, especially on the state of mind before CTB. This notion of "a flash of consciousness" where we feel ready, we would be able to do it right away. I was just thinking about this, how will I behave when I swallow the SN? Would I be calm and aware?

As for overdoses, I don't know much about it, you have a lot of powerful drugs at your fingertips. But I imagine there is the risk of vomiting to consider. Whatever you do I hope your suffering will end and you will find peace. I'm sorry that life has brought you this far.

I send you all my prayers.

Thank you for this lovely message ❤❤

 

[FuneralCry]

It does seem as though in this life, suffering is inevitable even if we try to distance ourselves from it. There is no real relief from ourselves and our thoughts as long as we still exist after all. I don't really know anything about that method, but it's understandable wanting a method that can work that can bring you freedom from this life. Failing ctb does sound so horrible to me. I hope that you find what you are looking for.