I want it all to end. I never signed up for this horrible torture and I don't want it. It will never be as easy as "Oh, just kill yourself." The willfully ignorant would like to think it's that easy. It's a horrible thing to be forced into a life of mental illness that destroys everything it touches and then slowly realize that you are a prisoner to everything around you.
Unfortunately it is often the case that empathy can really only be learned from experiencing something and most will never have to suffer the horrid reality that I've been enduring for years.
I have followed the advice of all and given in to pseudo-science treatments in the past out of desperation but I have come to resent it all so, so much. You can try every treatment under the sun countless times and then try all the self help books imaginable but as soon as you speak about them not working, you are invalidated and told that you have self-limiting beliefs and need to be willing to get better. FANTASTIC! Another person who has no clue what they're talking about!
"Professionals" don't even understand that not everyone has the exact same prognosis. I feel so utterly alone and outnumbered in this horror house of a world but have lost the ability to even try to foster connections. People scare the shit out of me because they just hurt me and hurt me and hurt me over and over again. What's the worst part? I'm one of them!!
I had a horrifying dream the other night that it was all coming to and end finally, yet I felt no relief. I was just horrified and felt the heaviest sense of despair, dread, and fear that I have felt in a while. I woke up crying and terrified alone.
There is something broken within me just as much as there is something horribly broken in the world. I can internalize my problem or externalize it depending on the moment, but I think there is some level of truth to it either way.
I feel like existence is deeply flawed and nobody cares at all because they can not feel it. It all comes back to having to go through something to learn empathy. Suffering is a horrible thing and why does it not matter that it's ingrained in the fibers of existence? No one cares?
I'm all over the place as per usual but by the time I think to make a vent post, it's a little hard to keep things organized so yeah, here we are.
Anyways, I'm horrified of the dying process now because of this dream that I had but am also petrified by the horrid manifestations of suffering that I see everywhere around me and within me. This is horrible. I'm in a terrible prison that I'm horrified to try and escape.
This is not a new thing, there's no reason to think that I'll wake up tomorrow and feel differently. This has been devolving for years with no more than slight fluctuations in emotional baseline. I really do wish that I could have just never existed because getting out of life is absolutely horrible from my perspective.
It could be better in a society where the right to die wasn't backwards and non-existent but nonetheless, I just wish I wasn't going to inevitably have to die to stop suffering. This is horrible
Unfortunately it is often the case that empathy can really only be learned from experiencing something and most will never have to suffer the horrid reality that I've been enduring for years.
I have followed the advice of all and given in to pseudo-science treatments in the past out of desperation but I have come to resent it all so, so much. You can try every treatment under the sun countless times and then try all the self help books imaginable but as soon as you speak about them not working, you are invalidated and told that you have self-limiting beliefs and need to be willing to get better. FANTASTIC! Another person who has no clue what they're talking about!
"Professionals" don't even understand that not everyone has the exact same prognosis. I feel so utterly alone and outnumbered in this horror house of a world but have lost the ability to even try to foster connections. People scare the shit out of me because they just hurt me and hurt me and hurt me over and over again. What's the worst part? I'm one of them!!
I had a horrifying dream the other night that it was all coming to and end finally, yet I felt no relief. I was just horrified and felt the heaviest sense of despair, dread, and fear that I have felt in a while. I woke up crying and terrified alone.
There is something broken within me just as much as there is something horribly broken in the world. I can internalize my problem or externalize it depending on the moment, but I think there is some level of truth to it either way.
I feel like existence is deeply flawed and nobody cares at all because they can not feel it. It all comes back to having to go through something to learn empathy. Suffering is a horrible thing and why does it not matter that it's ingrained in the fibers of existence? No one cares?
I'm all over the place as per usual but by the time I think to make a vent post, it's a little hard to keep things organized so yeah, here we are.
Anyways, I'm horrified of the dying process now because of this dream that I had but am also petrified by the horrid manifestations of suffering that I see everywhere around me and within me. This is horrible. I'm in a terrible prison that I'm horrified to try and escape.
This is not a new thing, there's no reason to think that I'll wake up tomorrow and feel differently. This has been devolving for years with no more than slight fluctuations in emotional baseline. I really do wish that I could have just never existed because getting out of life is absolutely horrible from my perspective.
It could be better in a society where the right to die wasn't backwards and non-existent but nonetheless, I just wish I wasn't going to inevitably have to die to stop suffering. This is horrible
