Laststop
Experienced
- Jul 9, 2019
- 243
Like a lot of us here I love to sleep. Or, I love getting away from reality with sleep. But my body will only let me sleep for so long. A lot of the time I'll lay there awake for a long time too, after I woke up, in a kind of a half awake/half asleep trance. I use it to kind of dream. I can go where I want more deeply and vividly this way than when I'm up and about. My life, like many of you, hasn't been good. But there were better times. Times when I felt like me. Those times are over. Part of what has brought me here to this point is the times and parts of my life that feels like me....that makes me feel like me....are gone. The very few people that made my life are gone. The places are all changed, or gone. My hopes and dreams too. I never was happy. Not for very long. But I had things that made it just bearable enough. But they're all gone. When I'm in my trance (and even in full dreams sometimes too) I go back to better times. It can be simple. The Mall I grew up going to. A place in the woods I use to walk in.
The house I grew up in. Mundane places I use to go with my grandmother. It just eases how I feel now. And not only does it feel good to go back so rich and deeply in that I remember the moments, but in those trace states I forget all that has come after them. I forget what's to come, and remember what I thought my life was going to be like. I feels good. Even if only for a moment. And....I think about this when the time comes to CTB. I think this is what I'd like to do. Because I'd like to go feeling like the me I love best. Which is kind of weird, as most "normal" people would see that me as a pathetic loser. But it beats this me today. Think it's crazy to plan your own state of mind before hand to CTB? I wonder if I'll be able to achieve it if and when the times comes anyway? Or....what do you think I can do to have the best chance of it? I kind of wish I had tried drugs for that reason now, but I really have a hard time seeing myself starting them now??
The house I grew up in. Mundane places I use to go with my grandmother. It just eases how I feel now. And not only does it feel good to go back so rich and deeply in that I remember the moments, but in those trace states I forget all that has come after them. I forget what's to come, and remember what I thought my life was going to be like. I feels good. Even if only for a moment. And....I think about this when the time comes to CTB. I think this is what I'd like to do. Because I'd like to go feeling like the me I love best. Which is kind of weird, as most "normal" people would see that me as a pathetic loser. But it beats this me today. Think it's crazy to plan your own state of mind before hand to CTB? I wonder if I'll be able to achieve it if and when the times comes anyway? Or....what do you think I can do to have the best chance of it? I kind of wish I had tried drugs for that reason now, but I really have a hard time seeing myself starting them now??
