Lamentice
Schizoid
- Mar 27, 2023
- 111
One of my jobs just shut down permanently, my other job (restaurant industry) continues to cut me from my shifts before I even have a chance to get into work (got texted earlier today I am cut from Friday and Saturday). They can't afford to have me scheduled, I don't even know why they hired me two months ago, it's really screwed me over because I left my steady full-time union job at the beginning of January because I trusted these other two jobs (that I'd exhausted myself balancing all 3 together for about 2 months to ensure I'd be stable with just the 2 new ones--for not, even though I did it the right way, but of course right after leaving is when one shut down and the other started cutting me constantly). It's slow season, but apparently the business has been struggling for a while, they had a few busy weeks and brought me on for support, pretty damn short-sighted.
I'm estranged from my family but reconnected with 2 half-brothers Nov 2024, they had abandoned me before when I was kicked out at 17 by my parents, a half-brother (not who I reconnected with, a terrible person) offered to help and ended up kicking me out as well because [to his own admittance] he was too unprepared for how mentally ill I am from 17 years of severe abuse. The other two sided with him and [also to their own admittance] agreed I was too much basically, they apologized later, that doesn't change what happened. I lived alone for years and took care of myself and have been hearing nothing but praise over how "impressive" I am (once I reconnected) & how happy they are to see I managed to survive and thrive in some ways. Well, the holidays passed and it was not a good mental time for me, they saw me on a bad day where I was borderline mute and very depressive, I would have preferred to stay home but went to see them because they were taking my absence personally. Lose lose because they were very uncomfortable having to be around me that day (even though they wanted me there) and have been limiting their contact with me since. I'm disappointed. I could go on & explain grief this is kicking up for me, but I'll leave it at disappointment, cause that's mostly what it is.
I've been debating going to college for a bit now, but I'm not sure I graduated high school. I was kicked out when I was in high school, I moved across the country but stayed enrolled in the same school, I failed a lot of classes senior year, when graduation came I wasn't present because I didn't live there, my counselor had said I was missing credits, but I tracked my credits and just barely made it from a summer class I took that she had missed, she corrected herself and said I could graduate, but they refused to send me my diploma in the mail. I should have graduated I believe, but I have no proof, I'm scared I didn't.
I'm scared that I don't have any work right now and homelessness might finally catch up to me after taunting me since 17, that me reconnecting with 2 family members failed, and that I'm gonna find out I didn't graduate high school and can't go to college any time soon. Bummer. About 2 years ago I was actively planning my suicide for a while, it was a hefty chunk of time, and I failed the attempt. I made a lot of quiet progress with myself after that, I'm at a place where I don't want to die anymore but I don't feel I'll have a choice. I was dealt a very rough hand in life, I would like peace.
I'm estranged from my family but reconnected with 2 half-brothers Nov 2024, they had abandoned me before when I was kicked out at 17 by my parents, a half-brother (not who I reconnected with, a terrible person) offered to help and ended up kicking me out as well because [to his own admittance] he was too unprepared for how mentally ill I am from 17 years of severe abuse. The other two sided with him and [also to their own admittance] agreed I was too much basically, they apologized later, that doesn't change what happened. I lived alone for years and took care of myself and have been hearing nothing but praise over how "impressive" I am (once I reconnected) & how happy they are to see I managed to survive and thrive in some ways. Well, the holidays passed and it was not a good mental time for me, they saw me on a bad day where I was borderline mute and very depressive, I would have preferred to stay home but went to see them because they were taking my absence personally. Lose lose because they were very uncomfortable having to be around me that day (even though they wanted me there) and have been limiting their contact with me since. I'm disappointed. I could go on & explain grief this is kicking up for me, but I'll leave it at disappointment, cause that's mostly what it is.
I've been debating going to college for a bit now, but I'm not sure I graduated high school. I was kicked out when I was in high school, I moved across the country but stayed enrolled in the same school, I failed a lot of classes senior year, when graduation came I wasn't present because I didn't live there, my counselor had said I was missing credits, but I tracked my credits and just barely made it from a summer class I took that she had missed, she corrected herself and said I could graduate, but they refused to send me my diploma in the mail. I should have graduated I believe, but I have no proof, I'm scared I didn't.
I'm scared that I don't have any work right now and homelessness might finally catch up to me after taunting me since 17, that me reconnecting with 2 family members failed, and that I'm gonna find out I didn't graduate high school and can't go to college any time soon. Bummer. About 2 years ago I was actively planning my suicide for a while, it was a hefty chunk of time, and I failed the attempt. I made a lot of quiet progress with myself after that, I'm at a place where I don't want to die anymore but I don't feel I'll have a choice. I was dealt a very rough hand in life, I would like peace.
