omgisthatashley
Improving or Improvising?
- Oct 17, 2022
- 19
So, ive been off my meds and between therapists for a few months now, and without a job or school to keep me busy, all I have had is nonstop SI. I stopped playing video games, stopped talking to my friends, i just spend every day laying in bed contemplating. That was until 3 days ago, when I had easily the best experience of my life. I wont tell the entire story, but there is a reddit thread if people are interested. The long and short of it is, I did cocaine for the first time in my life.
Now I used to smoke weed fairy regularly, (when I had money) and have done a few other substances, but nothing too crazy. And I have liked everything ive done, especially weed, that shit is great. But this… This was entirely different. This was something just, absolutely amazing. It was like I was on top of the world the whole time, and like I had the energy to do anything and everything Ive ever wanted. I swear to you, during a bathroom break, I was able to look in the mirror, and get this: was happy about what I saw. I have never. NEVER. Been able to do that, but coke let me.
I obviously dont have the money for coke, so to do it I had to do some… things. Things im not proud of, and didnt enjoy, but honestly, in the moment, blasted out of my mind, I didnt give a single fuck. I wouldve done it a million more times, and still would, just for a key bump. This shit was that powerful.
I had already been up for 24 hours before I did it, and I didnt sleep for another full 24 hours. Since that comedown though, I have not thought about ctb even once. Until now, which is why im writing this. I HAVE to do it again, it was honestly the best, I totally understand why people get addicted, and honestly, if thats the path set ahead for me, so be it. At least I will finally, FINALLY be able to wake up in the morning and look forward to something.
Now, im not trying to say, "just go out and do some blow, it will solve all your problems!" But honestly, it might just solve mine. Only in the short term? Fuck it, thats fine, I dont plan on being here for a long term anyways.
Now I used to smoke weed fairy regularly, (when I had money) and have done a few other substances, but nothing too crazy. And I have liked everything ive done, especially weed, that shit is great. But this… This was entirely different. This was something just, absolutely amazing. It was like I was on top of the world the whole time, and like I had the energy to do anything and everything Ive ever wanted. I swear to you, during a bathroom break, I was able to look in the mirror, and get this: was happy about what I saw. I have never. NEVER. Been able to do that, but coke let me.
I obviously dont have the money for coke, so to do it I had to do some… things. Things im not proud of, and didnt enjoy, but honestly, in the moment, blasted out of my mind, I didnt give a single fuck. I wouldve done it a million more times, and still would, just for a key bump. This shit was that powerful.
I had already been up for 24 hours before I did it, and I didnt sleep for another full 24 hours. Since that comedown though, I have not thought about ctb even once. Until now, which is why im writing this. I HAVE to do it again, it was honestly the best, I totally understand why people get addicted, and honestly, if thats the path set ahead for me, so be it. At least I will finally, FINALLY be able to wake up in the morning and look forward to something.
Now, im not trying to say, "just go out and do some blow, it will solve all your problems!" But honestly, it might just solve mine. Only in the short term? Fuck it, thats fine, I dont plan on being here for a long term anyways.
