Venting the worst kind of person

[nails]

i want to be a strong person, but i never have been and i never will be. i wish i could be the type of person who doesn't break down every single night. i'm embarrassed by how pathetic i am, i'm embarrassed by the fact that i self harm, i feel embarrassed every time i cry, i'm embarrassed by my entire existence. i lead such a pathetic life, there's nothing notable or positive about my existence. i'm the kind of person i hate the most. i hate what i'm currently typing, it disgusts me how pathetic i am.

i feel like shit. i had a breakdown over the same shit and ended up cutting, as i do every night (pathetic). i keep bleeding through the bandages, it won't stop. i went deeper than ever, just above the hypodermis layer, i think. not that serious compared to other people, but i try to avoid going deep because i feel ashamed whenever i see scars. i was so overwhelmed and just wanted the thinking to stop. it helped for a few minutes. i was having an unrelated health issue beforehand, and that made everything a bit more distracting; but now i feel like shit. i feel really exhausted, and every thought i was trying to set aside just came right back. i don't have the energy for this, but that doesn't matter and that doesn't warrant a break from this shit.
that rant wasn't entirely related to the point of this post, sorry. i annoy myself so much. all the shitty decisions i make are completely pointless and only cause more issues, but i continue to do them.
i was alone, as per usual. i got depressed because of my loneliness and overwhelmed by those thoughts. i started having an anxiety attack, so i cut to distract myself because nothing else works. it works for a moment, but then i start thinking about the things that brought me to that point. the cycle ends with me, still depressed and overwhelmed by the same things, but now feeling worse because i did something embarrassing, my arm is numb, and i have a lot to clean up.

i hope this post made sense

 

[Happy Cat]

I don't self harm but I am the kind of person that cries super easily. If you need someone to talk to I'll try my best to support you

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't really know if you want practical advice. Maybe it will be annoying so- ignore if so.

What do you want to be? Would it help at all to make even tiny steps towards that? It's obvious your anger and frustration towards yourself is bubbling over but- can you channel it into taking some kind of action? If you really hate yourself for self harming- can you try to do something to make it that you aren't so disappointed in yourself to trigger that?

I know it's far easier said than done. It's usually been fear of failure that has spurred me on in life though. To avoid that crushing, negative feeling, I would push myself to do other things I didn't want to or, was afraid of. Like one fear chasing another really.

Now, I'm at a weird stage where- in certain regards, I am failing. I'm letting my living environment and lifestyle go to shit. I just don't care though. Not even enough to be frustrated with myself. Not enough to motivate me anyway. What might still push me is disappointment from my family though- which I'm sure is on the horizon. That causes resentment though too.

Still, I just think we can get stuck in these unhelpful layers of emotion. Like- you genuinely feel upset and desperate but then, you beat yourself and feel guilty for being 'pathetic'.

Not quite the same but, I believe I used to suffer with limerence- obsessive crushes on guys. I would obsess but then feel guilty and ashamed for obsessing because I felt embarassed. I knew they'd never like me back. It just felt wrong. But then, a friend tried to help me in saying- at least try to drop the guilty bit. Basically- stop obsessing about obsessing. One is bad enough. Don't compound it!

I think it's the same sort of deal here though. Not by choice- you're feeling overwhelmed. Don't compound that by then hating yourself for it. I suppose the ideal is to try to be kind to yourself, when you feel like that.

Even if kind is too pampering- just accepting. I suppose to try and remove yourself from it. I used to kind of see myself as separate people. I'd be able to look from slightly outside and say- this looks like limerence again- don't start blaming yourself for it but, don't go indulging it either! You know where it leads by now. Self management in a way I guess. I'm in the shit now- what do I need to do to try and navigate this best?

Almost like catching a cold. It's shit but then we do things to try and make it better. Rather than see this as some enormous character weakness, can you maybe just try to view it as an unwanted affliction that you'll likely have to do your best to manage?

Plus, it likely came from somewhere. A rocky childhood is the obvious culprit, because we are developing then but either way- none of it is something we necessarily chose or steered into. It's just something we unfortunately developed and now have the job of managing.

 

[nails]

i want to cry, but i'm at work. i feel really sick and tired because i didn't sleep last night. i looked at my wound again, under some actual light this time. turns out i did hit hypodermis. i want to cry because i know it'll scar really bad, even small scars make me feel like shit. i don't have butterfly bandages, so the wound is just staying open. the inside is raised outside of the cut and it hurts, it's grazing against the bandage whenever i move my arm. it hurts, i hate the constant tingling going through my arm and the dull ache in my hand.
now i have to deal with this for an entire shift. i just want to go home and sleep, i feel lightheaded and nauseous (nothing new).

 

[killawithme]

i want to be a strong person, but i never have been and i never will be. i wish i could be the type of person who doesn't break down every single night. i'm embarrassed by how pathetic i am, i'm embarrassed by the fact that i self harm, i feel embarrassed every time i cry, i'm embarrassed by my entire existence. i lead such a pathetic life, there's nothing notable or positive about my existence. i'm the kind of person i hate the most. i hate what i'm currently typing, it disgusts me how pathetic i am.

i feel like shit. i had a breakdown over the same shit and ended up cutting, as i do every night (pathetic). i keep bleeding through the bandages, it won't stop. i went deeper than ever, just above the hypodermis layer, i think. not that serious compared to other people, but i try to avoid going deep because i feel ashamed whenever i see scars. i was so overwhelmed and just wanted the thinking to stop. it helped for a few minutes. i was having an unrelated health issue beforehand, and that made everything a bit more distracting; but now i feel like shit. i feel really exhausted, and every thought i was trying to set aside just came right back. i don't have the energy for this, but that doesn't matter and that doesn't warrant a break from this shit.
that rant wasn't entirely related to the point of this post, sorry. i annoy myself so much. all the shitty decisions i make are completely pointless and only cause more issues, but i continue to do them.
i was alone, as per usual. i got depressed because of my loneliness and overwhelmed by those thoughts. i started having an anxiety attack, so i cut to distract myself because nothing else works. it works for a moment, but then i start thinking about the things that brought me to that point. the cycle ends with me, still depressed and overwhelmed by the same things, but now feeling worse because i did something embarrassing, my arm is numb, and i have a lot to clean up.

i hope this post made sense

I feel the same; I just have different coping mechanisms. I feel fed up with myself as well. Furthermore, I think about CTB a lot, but I know this affected you in absolutely no way, but just posting this makes me feel 1% better for like 5 minutes.

 

[nails]

I feel the same; I just have different coping mechanisms. I feel fed up with myself as well. Furthermore, I think about CTB a lot, but I know this affected you in absolutely no way, but just posting this makes me feel 1% better for like 5 minutes.

i'm sorry you can relate at all, i'm wishing you the best and i hope you can find some relief soon.