The virtue of torture and suffering

[noname223]

I am going back to college. I don't know why actually. I might drop out if I am again acute suicidal. My suicidality got way better without responsibilities on my hiatus.

I studied 5 semesters and I deteriorated every semester. I am at the half of my degree. It is almost impossible with my condition to get it. It is very unrealistic.

People tell me to try. And Well I am trying again.

The 5 semesters were torture. I am an extremely disciplined person I lost 35 kilogram in one year almost had a perfect score at highschool and college. But this is a war I cannot win. College is triggering me so hard.

I had many ways of coping. Strong belief in asceticism. Spending money. A worldview where happiness is relative and does not matter. I acted like feeling good does not matter. I tried to ignore the pain. And I endured college 5 semesters before I Was on the edge of suicide. I am pretty sure in 1-2 semesters I will be in the same position.

They say there is pain that teaches you a lesson. That makes you stronger in the longrun. And there is meaningless suffering where there simply is no benefit. And people who don't See meaning in their suffering they tend to contemplate suicide more often.

Now I am enrolled in courses and I feel trapped in a cage. I took someone elses place. They told us don't enroll if you are not convinced to come. I Was conflicted because people told me to try. I think though maybe there is an exception for this rule if the Alternative is literally suicide. Lol.

I think gambling would rationally be the best option. Giving up on work and earning money hoping welfare and my nursing care money is enough to survive. If not I can still kill myself in 10-20 years when my parents are dead and cannot support me financially anymore. Whereas college could accelarate my suicide a lot. I almost killed myself in October.

If I Look back at my life I want to have some good memories and I felt way better during my hiatus. It was a good experience to date women and making some New experiences. What do I get in exchange when I am going back to college. A living nightmare. Social anxiety. Paranoid anxiety. Extreme perfectionism mixed with self-loathing and imposter syndrom. I am too ill to work anyway bro I am a nursing case. XD.

 

[Still here]

I am really sorry my awesome friend about what you are going through. I thought about what to say but I didn't get any but in whatever you choose may peace be upon you.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't want to dissuade you but I suppose I'm curious about it. What is the goal in doing it? Will it likely enable you to get a job in a subject you find interesting? Is the goal even to make you more employable? Or, it it to just gain the qualification? To please your parents or, please you?

I suppose all decisions in life are based on a couple of things- how will this benefit me and, will I regret it if I don't do it? How would that apply to this?

I get the sense this might be more to please your parents? But, if they know how unhappy this may well make you, surely they wouldn't want that? I'm guessing they are hoping that doing this will give you better prospects for the future. Most especially with regards to employment I imagine. But, is that your intention or wish and, do they realise that?

I guess it depends on whether you will need to work at some stage or, whether you can afford not to. In which case- would you be ok in more of a wage slave job do you suppose or, would you need the college qualification to do something else?

 

[noname223]

I don't want to dissuade you but I suppose I'm curious about it. What is the goal in doing it? Will it likely enable you to get a job in a subject you find interesting? Is the goal even to make you more employable? Or, it it to just gain the qualification? To please your parents or, please you?

I suppose all decisions in life are based on a couple of things- how will this benefit me and, will I regret it if I don't do it? How would that apply to this?

I get the sense this might be more to please your parents? But, if they know how unhappy this may well make you, surely they wouldn't want that? I'm guessing they are hoping that doing this will give you better prospects for the future. Most especially with regards to employment I imagine. But, is that your intention or wish and, do they realise that?

I guess it depends on whether you will need to work at some stage or, whether you can afford not to. In which case- would you be ok in more of a wage slave job do you suppose or, would you need the college qualification to do something else?

I simply cannot work. I am too ill for that. It also does not matter which Job. I already did a low qualification office job and was fired pretty quickly. My Boss noticed how much I struggled and I could not hide it. Even if I wanted to do it I would be fired pretty quickly. So there is no real decision.

I live in Germany there is welfare and I get nursing care money if this is not enough I can still ctb. Might have to.

I started college with the hope it might make me happy. And that I will get a Job afterwards. I had many good reasons for trying it. There were many subjects that interested me. And even in this Semester I would have interesting subjects. However, college is triggering me so Hard. It makes me really depressed and paranoid. It triggers OCD also.

I am doing college only for the potential money when I get a job. I needed 6 more semester to get my degree which is utterly impossible. Within 1-2 semesters I am acute suicidal again. I had two clinic stays in the semesters I studied because it made me acute suicidal. And everyone with eyes can See how much I am struggling. I would be fired pretty quickly at any job. I cannot hide the pain.
I thought about a remote job independent journalism.

 

[Aergia]

Returning to college when it risks your mental health sounds like a pretty big gamble too tbh.

Would continuing your studies remotely be feasible/helpful?

 

[noname223]

Yesterday, I was convinced I gonna quit. One friend considered that the right choice. Another friend was uncertain.
There was a lottery to which courses I get assigned to. And I was assigned to my favorite courses. This is why I think I gonna give it a chance.

I certainly feel (way) worse. The first College week Was pretty exhausting. I am not paranoid yet. But I am scared to become paranoid.
And as a consequence I might ruin it with the woman I date. I already have some paranoid thoughts about her.

I will quit the self-help Group for now. The risk of becoming paranoid is too high.

For remote classes I had to change the university sadly.

The thing is getting my degree is still close to impossible. It is a matter of time when I will have my next breakdown maybe with another clinic stay due to acute suicidality.