Discussion The thought that I'll likely be dead within the coming months won't sink in.

[HenryHenriksen_6E]

Recently, I had something determine if I would continue living or die - call it a bet, or perhaps a coinflip. Either way, I lost, or won depending on how you view death, so now I'm here, a few days in, knowing the months I have left are in the single digits. To be more specific: I'll be going in march. The reason I decided to leave my future to fate, was to help me decide. I've been so tired of balancing between: "I can do this" and "I'm so done." Therefore, I needed an external factor: the US election of all things.

Also: fuck the US election! (Though, I'll admit it was exciting to have my life on the line, as deragned as that sounds.)

Anyway, it's been a few days since I got the news that my story will come to close within the next couple of months. It's odd to think about, especially when I can just go ahead and begin all my necessary preperations. Now I have to write a simple bucket list of dumb shit to do, a suicide note, so people know my reasons, scout out a nice spot in my local forest, learn my method, and create a step by step guide on the entire process.

Now that I can finally get to the point: All this simply won't sink in.

Tbh the last few days haven't even felt real. It's like I'm on autopilot or simply in utter disbelief. Everything is so much more normal than I expected. The world simply kept spinning. I go about my day, behave like normal, do my projects, and feel happy(?). It's so peculiar that once I've decided to finally throw the towel, I suddenly feel decent. Maybe it's because I have an end goal that is right around the corner, so there's a way out, however I'm wondering if this contentment will prevent me from ever getting ready to end my life, once again sending me in this loop of "I should die?" "I should live?"

I just feel like the gravity of my circumstances haven't set in yet, which is annoying, because I like knowing what I'm doing. Is this normal? I know being suicidal only a default component of a lot of people's lives here, so it probably seems normal, but I think I should at least feel something when my time is running out this fast.

 

[wayn]

Same, it's very common to feel happy before doing it

 

[ebg]

Same, it's very common to feel happy before doing it

Yes, as if suicide is the solution and the only thing that will bring you solace in your life, something exciting to look forward to.

Recently, I had something determine if I would continue living or die - call it a bet, or perhaps a coinflip. Either way, I lost, or won depending on how you view death, so now I'm here, a few days in, knowing the months I have left are in the single digits. To be more specific: I'll be going in march. The reason I decided to leave my future to fate, was to help me decide. I've been so tired of balancing between: "I can do this" and "I'm so done." Therefore, I needed an external factor: the US election of all things.

Also: fuck the US election! (Though, I'll admit it was exciting to have my life on the line, as deragned as that sounds.)

Anyway, it's been a few days since I got the news that my story will come to close within the next couple of months. It's odd to think about, especially when I can just go ahead and begin all my necessary preperations. Now I have to write a simple bucket list of dumb shit to do, a suicide note, so people know my reasons, scout out a nice spot in my local forest, learn my method, and create a step by step guide on the entire process.

Now that I can finally get to the point: All this simply won't sink in.

Tbh the last few days haven't even felt real. It's like I'm on autopilot or simply in utter disbelief. Everything is so much more normal than I expected. The world simply kept spinning. I go about my day, behave like normal, do my projects, and feel happy(?). It's so peculiar that once I've decided to finally throw the towel, I suddenly feel decent. Maybe it's because I have an end goal that is right around the corner, so there's a way out, however I'm wondering if this contentment will prevent me from ever getting ready to end my life, once again sending me in this loop of "I should die?" "I should live?"

I just feel like the gravity of my circumstances haven't set in yet, which is annoying, because I like knowing what I'm doing. Is this normal? I know being suicidal only a default component of a lot of people's lives here, so it probably seems normal, but I think I should at least feel something when my time is running out this fast.

Funnily enough, I also let fate decide a life/death decision for me. Except fate decided I have to live until I finish my bachelor's and then I will decide again. I'm going to use my potential energy/sphere of influence to advocate for MAiD and the right to die.

 

[BeijaFlor]

Recently, I had something determine if I would continue living or die - call it a bet, or perhaps a coinflip. Either way, I lost, or won depending on how you view death, so now I'm here, a few days in, knowing the months I have left are in the single digits. To be more specific: I'll be going in march. The reason I decided to leave my future to fate, was to help me decide. I've been so tired of balancing between: "I can do this" and "I'm so done." Therefore, I needed an external factor: the US election of all things.

Also: fuck the US election! (Though, I'll admit it was exciting to have my life on the line, as deragned as that sounds.)

Anyway, it's been a few days since I got the news that my story will come to close within the next couple of months. It's odd to think about, especially when I can just go ahead and begin all my necessary preperations. Now I have to write a simple bucket list of dumb shit to do, a suicide note, so people know my reasons, scout out a nice spot in my local forest, learn my method, and create a step by step guide on the entire process.

Now that I can finally get to the point: All this simply won't sink in.

Tbh the last few days haven't even felt real. It's like I'm on autopilot or simply in utter disbelief. Everything is so much more normal than I expected. The world simply kept spinning. I go about my day, behave like normal, do my projects, and feel happy(?). It's so peculiar that once I've decided to finally throw the towel, I suddenly feel decent. Maybe it's because I have an end goal that is right around the corner, so there's a way out, however I'm wondering if this contentment will prevent me from ever getting ready to end my life, once again sending me in this loop of "I should die?" "I should live?"

I just feel like the gravity of my circumstances haven't set in yet, which is annoying, because I like knowing what I'm doing. Is this normal? I know being suicidal only a default component of a lot of people's lives here, so it probably seems normal, but I think I should at least feel something when my time is running out this fast.

yup, can relate all too well...

i've also recently received news of my upcoming demise, n since then i've felt pretty much the same, this sort of liberation, a lack of stress/concerns, eg. giving a fuck about anything, really

n it feels like everything makes sense now, right? yknow?

n yet, it only makes sense as long as i still have that set date

bcoz if i overthink it, 2nd guess it, then fear, stress, n everything else settles back in, with a vengeance!

so, atm i have about acouple of months n, as days have been going by, i've been through a rollercoaster of feelings n introspections, every next day bringing something new

n honestly, idk if the notion has actually sank maybe abit too deep for us, or not at all, it kinda feels it could be both ways

hmmmm....

 

[HenryHenriksen_6E]

i've also recently received news of my upcoming demise, n since then i've felt pretty much the same, this sort of liberation, a lack of stress/concerns, eg. giving a fuck about anything, really

This is pretty much explains it. Why give a shit about what happens? I'll be dead anyways. Maybe it'll help me get out there and enjoy myself the last few weeks. Maybe I could meet some new people near the end, because I won't have to deal with as much social anxiety, knowing nothing matters for me anymore. Idk if I'm too optimistic about this, although I'm hopeful to at least do some few fun things near the end.

 

[BeijaFlor]

This is pretty much explains it. Why give a shit about what happens? I'll be dead anyways. Maybe it'll help me get out there and enjoy myself the last few weeks. Maybe I could meet some new people near the end, because I won't have to deal with as much social anxiety, knowing nothing matters for me anymore. Idk if I'm too optimistic about this, although I'm hopeful to at least do some few fun things near the end.

again, that's also what i've been thinkin about lately...

altho for me, i've got back to afew vices, like alcohol, drugs etc

like idk, sometimes anxiety gets the best of me n, i sorta feel like wildling out

or, in other words, the more the realisation of CTB'ing sinks in, the less of a fuck i give, n the less of a fuck i give, the more things i wanna do

like a one in a life time, last crazy vacation sorta thing, going out with a BANG!

just fucking lose myself already...

...

*sighs*

but yeah, it would be nice to meet new people, too

hey, thats a great call, actually

i guess one of the reasons why people are here but, i also wanna meet ppl IRL

theres so much awsome cool shit i have, like, wanna share

yeah, ill go out somewhere next weekend, for sure

 

[Leiot]

When I attempted I felt better than I had ever felt. There was nothing left to do, nothing left to worry about, nothing left to say. I wish I could get back there.

As for the election, don't give the fuckers the satisfaction.

 

[HenryHenriksen_6E]

like a one in a life time, last crazy vacation sorta thing, going out with a BANG!

Yeah, as for me, I'm considering munching on some shrooms if I get my hands on some. Otherwise there are many other things to do that are really miniscule, but also mildly fulfilling.

As for the election, don't give the fuckers the satisfaction

Tbh, the us election doesn't interfere much with my life, as I'm essentially on the other side of the globe. It was more of seeing if humanity still has decency enough - to see if I still could bring myself to believe in whatever this bullshit species is. On the other hand, I could've simply flipped a coin instead of watching the election. That was the purpose of the entire ordeal: to choose for me.

 

[BeijaFlor]

Yeah, as for me, I'm considering munching on some shrooms if I get my hands on some. Otherwise there are many other things to do that are really miniscule, but also mildly fulfilling.


Tbh, the us election doesn't interfere much with my life, as I'm essentially on the other side of the globe. It was more of seeing if humanity still has decency enough - to see if I still could bring myself to believe in whatever this bullshit species is. On the other hand, I could've simply flipped a coin instead of watching the election. That was the purpose of the entire ordeal: to choose for me.

whoa, shrooms? really?! damn!!

so rare to bump into a fellow psychonaut! i mean, im assuming idk, maybe you've never had this sort of experience before

i've tried talkin about it aswell but, its really hard to explain without having experienced it

i'm also planning on having afew more experiences b4 i CTB, altho im delaying it abit till i feel like "its the time", coz...

ill be trying stronger dosages so, its worth taking care of set & setting n, i gota clean this mess anyways...

but yeah, we'll see... ill take afew deep dives, for sure

 

[HenryHenriksen_6E]

so rare to bump into a fellow psychonaut! i mean, im assuming idk, maybe you've never had this sort of experience before

I've never done shrooms sadly, although I live in the middle of liberty caps heaven, so I simply need to find some fields, and get to searching. My other option is fly agaric, albeit a little risky, and not really having the psychedelic substances as other shrooms, they're abundant near my cottage. If I somehow, someway survive to the next summer, I could prob try to prepare some to make it less dangerous.
Then the one I'm opting for is buying some. Idk how, or even if it's possible where I live, but I'mma have to figure that out. Man I wish it was legal here.
A growing kit would've been nice, but I can't get one rn, and getting one further down the line seems improbable, as my "further down the line" might not exist.

Mind telling me how it is to do shrooms? I've heard it can help with therapy, so I'm curious as to how it affected you if that isn't too direct of me to ask.