Venting The past 8 months I’ve tried everything to get better

[mob]

After my 3rd attempt last September, I decided I'll try my damn hardest to get better. I decided I didn't wanna live like this anymore, so I might as well just try to change my life instead of discarding it.

Well, turns out, it didn't work.
I took time off work and lost my job. I had been too depressed to go to work.
I was rapidly gaining weight from binge-eating and ordering take out three times a day, just to feel something.
I didn't have the energy to do anything at all, was in debt. And I wasn't medicated anymore or getting any mental health support. I wasn't able to take care of my cats anymore.

So I did what I thought would fix my life, and most importantly, me:
- I broke up with my ex because I realized I wasn't happy in the relationship
- I lost a significant amount weight
- I paid most of the debt off
- I moved out of my apartment and decided to move back in with my family
- I'm seeing new people
- I'm actively looking for jobs and currently visiting a course to have better chances
- I got proper diagnoses and got the "right" medication, after trying ~12 different ones last year
- I started meeting up with my friends more often
- I temporarily gave my cats to a friend to focus on myself

Except it didn't fix a single thing. Human connections didn't. Losing weight didn't. In reality, nothing ever changes when the issue is me.
My dad is dying of cancer. I don't know how to forgive him and myself for the things that happened between us.
Meaningless sex disguised as "friends with benefits" feels hollow and empty.
Going on dates with someone and developing feelings feels wrong and fake.
My mom making sure I'm fed and giving me a place I can always go back to leaves me with a sticky feeling of guilt.
Taking my meds gives me more energy, but I still feel like shit.
Putting my emotions into art and poetry feels incomplete - there's feelings that, no matter how hard I try to, I can't put into words or on a canvas. It feels imperfect.

I'm convinced that, if by some miracle I somehow landed a great job with amazing pay and nice coworkers, I got my own apartment again and found the right person to love, I would still feel like this. Nothing ever changes. All attempts to get better failed, so I must discard it.

 

[Hollowman]

I can relate. Nothing ever feels right or satisfying.

 

[ImInPain]

After my 3rd attempt last September, I decided I'll try my damn hardest to get better. I decided I didn't wanna live like this anymore, so I might as well just try to change my life instead of discarding it.

Well, turns out, it didn't work.
I took time off work and lost my job. I had been too depressed to go to work.
I was rapidly gaining weight from binge-eating and ordering take out three times a day, just to feel something.
I didn't have the energy to do anything at all, was in debt. And I wasn't medicated anymore or getting any mental health support. I wasn't able to take care of my cats anymore.

So I did what I thought would fix my life, and most importantly, me:
- I broke up with my ex because I realized I wasn't happy in the relationship
- I lost a significant amount weight
- I paid most of the debt off
- I moved out of my apartment and decided to move back in with my family
- I'm seeing new people
- I'm actively looking for jobs and currently visiting a course to have better chances
- I got proper diagnoses and got the "right" medication, after trying ~12 different ones last year
- I started meeting up with my friends more often
- I temporarily gave my cats to a friend to focus on myself

Except it didn't fix a single thing. Human connections didn't. Losing weight didn't. In reality, nothing ever changes when the issue is me.
My dad is dying of cancer. I don't know how to forgive him and myself for the things that happened between us.
Meaningless sex disguised as "friends with benefits" feels hollow and empty.
Going on dates with someone and developing feelings feels wrong and fake.
My mom making sure I'm fed and giving me a place I can always go back to leaves me with a sticky feeling of guilt.
Taking my meds gives me more energy, but I still feel like shit.
Putting my emotions into art and poetry feels incomplete - there's feelings that, no matter how hard I try to, I can't put into words or on a canvas. It feels imperfect.

I'm convinced that, if by some miracle I somehow landed a great job with amazing pay and nice coworkers, I got my own apartment again and found the right person to love, I would still feel like this. Nothing ever changes. All attempts to get better failed, so I must discard it.

I hate this. I also have this. Negative things are catastrophic but anything that is supposed to be positive feels like nothing at all. I could win an award for something tomorrow and feel complete apathy for it or that I haven't earned it. That has happened before, where I get good things (some through luck or through hard work) like getting accepted into my dream school, but I just felt apathy. I felt nothing at all. it was just like "okay i guess that happened". I start to think maybe it was for some reason outside of my control because I didn't think I truly deserved or have done enough to get that. But if I didn't get in, for example, I would have been completely ruined for weeks and would have remembered it for life as another example of being a failure and loser.

I've been told it's possibly a problem with dopamine where things that should make me happy and give me dopamine (getting into my top school or celebrating my birthday) don't give me any emotion. And all of the negative things (that one school I didn't get into, getting ignored) feel so so awful.

I don't know if this resonates with you and I'm sorry if it doesn't. If it does though, maybe there are some meds that not only give you more energy, but help fix some of the possible dopamine issues in the head. I don't really know but that's what I'm searching for at the moment in my treatment.

I'm sorry about what you're going through and I hope I could help even a little. I wish you the best.