SomewhatLoved
Bringing out the Dead and Searching for the Living
- Apr 12, 2023
- 278
I've been thinking recently about how in life we have small moments that are worth weeks, months or maybe even years. For example, in 2019 my own brother assaulted me. I have very few other memories from that year, so it seems to me that one moment has been "worth" approximately a year.
This evening driving home from work I was thinking, what moments define me? I thought about being a small child and hearing my parents fighting or seeing my mom crying. Being bullied or having violent tendencies in elementary and middle school. My brother assaulting me, being pretty much left alone for most of high school because my mom and brother were both hospitalized and my dad lived separately from me. Giving in to my addiction and turning down plans to engage in it. Losing all my friends, having coworkers say shitty things about/to me.
It makes me think, there have been very few happy moments in my life. Maybe there have been more, but I seem to have a negative outlook or something because I struggle to remember any. A lot of people talk about how what happens in your childhood will follow you through life, and I just feel like I don't want to deal with any of this shit anymore. I have tried to get better for over a decade but I've just gotten worse. I'm not really sure I want to see what moments define me in the future.
Some of these things are getting close to 15-20 years ago now. In a lot of ways I've "put them in the past". For example, I now have an amicable relationship with my brother. But I still think about them. They've stuck with me and they hurt. I think for me to be happy I would have to completely forget them, but I know that's not possible. So here I am :D
This evening driving home from work I was thinking, what moments define me? I thought about being a small child and hearing my parents fighting or seeing my mom crying. Being bullied or having violent tendencies in elementary and middle school. My brother assaulting me, being pretty much left alone for most of high school because my mom and brother were both hospitalized and my dad lived separately from me. Giving in to my addiction and turning down plans to engage in it. Losing all my friends, having coworkers say shitty things about/to me.
It makes me think, there have been very few happy moments in my life. Maybe there have been more, but I seem to have a negative outlook or something because I struggle to remember any. A lot of people talk about how what happens in your childhood will follow you through life, and I just feel like I don't want to deal with any of this shit anymore. I have tried to get better for over a decade but I've just gotten worse. I'm not really sure I want to see what moments define me in the future.
Some of these things are getting close to 15-20 years ago now. In a lot of ways I've "put them in the past". For example, I now have an amicable relationship with my brother. But I still think about them. They've stuck with me and they hurt. I think for me to be happy I would have to completely forget them, but I know that's not possible. So here I am :D
