Venting The longest post I have ever made.

[Ichigo]

Last time I did it, someone came and warned me for being off topic. So ive been avoiding the suicide section of this forum. I don't wanna look like I'm trying to take away attention from the real suicidal people.. but I also want to see if anyone else feels the same way as I do..even if there's a small sliver of a chance, That someone will relate to my post or resonate with it.


what I learned is that most people don't feel this need to get stranger's validation. because most people have a support system. They can go to their friends talk about their personal matters. Their feelings that aren't safe to share in public.


So they don't need to get on this soapbox..like I do
After all why suffer the risk of being vulnerable to strangers when you already have free support?

But, I need strangers...




Yes I know I have friends, family, I have a loving mother and good friends
In theory I have a support system. It's not like I'm in a abusive environment.


But it's like they don't exist to me. Not really. It's like there in the foreground.

I feel like once I know a person won't abandon me, I no longer crave their attention because I know I can get it whenever I want to.
So their attention becomes worthless to me. I don't get excited at their attention anymore.


I'm addicted to outsider attention ... It feels like the only real attention that I need honestly.
It's the only attention that makes me excited. it feel so good . And I don't know why I feel this way. This feeling has always alluded me. To this day, I'm stuck trying to to figure out why I crave strangers and distant people attention more than my own family and friends.


but I'm able to restrain myself.
I managed to self isolate for a long, long time. But every now and then I get these cravings, and I go seeking out for it again.

Strangely, these cravings only come when I'm feeling down or lonely.




It feels like it is never a appropriate time to discuss negative feelings. Negative feelings in themselves create nothing but uncomfortable tension in the air..so negativity has to be paired up with something else to make it more palatable.

I noticed that in social media, depression and negative feelings are usually framed in an either a artsy way or a funny way.
Either way, it feels like you have to be a little disingenuous about how intense your feelings truly are and that to me feels like masking my feelings.
Outside of this forum.. I often wonder how are people able to come across so lighthearted?


When I'm sad, I don't express it. Because I do not express it in the appropriate manner. It is too personal and long.


not in the "artsy" way.
I can't wax beautiful poems out of my sorrow and loneliness and unfortunately no matter how bad the hopelessness gets, im not driven to make beautiful art out of my pain.

Im depressed but it's not in a quirky way like those funny relatable memes or quotes

It's not enough to move people to tears and it's not enough to drive people towards me..

When you're neither of those things, what do you do?


When I'm depressed I just feel like lying down and not doing anything.

And it's not like I necessarily want these things. It's more like it is the only way to get people to give me attention and love..to see I'm hurting..


. I want to connect with other people and I want to draw people towards me but sometimes even my own feelings allude me.

I'm so confusing.

 

[xhelx]

I can totally relate to what you're saying. If you need things from strangers, have this from me, I genuinely mean what im saying. All your feelings are valid, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for it. I obviously dont know much about you, but could these feeling be coming from a lack of trust from your loved ones, or maybe fear of being shamed? Either way, I can completely understand the need of stranger's validation. It feels safe to basically have no identity, nothing to tie you to the things you share online. No one's judging you on anything since they know nothing about you. I really hope you can find what you're looking for

 

[Adûnâi]

I feel like once I know a person won't abandon me, I no longer crave their attention because I know I can get it whenever I want to.
So their attention becomes worthless to me. I don't get excited at their attention anymore.

I would ask you, do your IRL people value you for who you are, or what you are? And are they intelligent? Because for example my grandma is super kind and gives me money, but is both utterly retarded AND only likes me because I'm her grandson. So I would treat her as a dumb Neanderthal that she is.

But then again, I only know my mom IRL, and she's semi-sentient. I have no IRL people at all, so probably can't say much. But I too value online interactions because people seem to be more intelligent online. But then again, I do seem to stay with the few folks I can talk to online, so maybe I'm the opposite. But I do know the feeling of starting the conversation!