Venting The littlest things

[simji_is_offline]

TW: SH

I'm so angry at myself and embarrassed. I've been genuinely considering suicide for months now with varying degrees of intent. The thing that kills me is that sometimes when I'm feeling better it's the littlest thing that sends me spiraling. Last night I embarrassed myself in front of a friend by unintentionally revealing how uneducated I was on something. I know it's completely trivial but it just made me go insane — I was desperately searching for the blades I had my bf hide. I found a dull exacto knife in my crafts drawer and dragged it across my skin but it couldn't draw blood. Instead of continuing to look for them, I finally made an account on here after browsing methods for the longest time and imagined how I'd go through with ending it until I calmed down.

I'm so fucking embarrassed. There are so many reasons I've thought about catching the bus but my strongest desires to actually act on it come from the littlest, stupidest things. Honestly it's kept me from actually ending it sometimes — the idea of killing myself over a fucking faux pas is too humiliating. Does anyone else feel like this? Why does the little stuff get to me so much?

 

[CaptainSunshine!]

People can live for little things like the taste of ice cream (or so I've read), so I guess it's only natural that it can go in the other direction as well.

 

[simji_is_offline]

People can live for little things like the taste of ice cream (or so I've read), so I guess it's only natural that it can go in the other direction as well.

That's a good point. I definitely find myself prone to extremes. Thanks for replying <3

 

[always_a_crossroads]

I hear you.
Don't know if this is applicable to you, but sometimes this kind of thing can stem from trauma, and/or having some kinds of neurodivergence (like rejection sensitive dysphoria that's often a part of ADHD, or having BPD, or being a Highly Sensitive Person, etc).

If it's trauma, it could be an emotional flashback. (They work like 'regular' flashbacks, except you don't consciously remember what you're flashing back to. You think you're still in the present, but your emotions are actually about something in your past.)
Let's say you were frequently shamed and yelled at as a kid. Your brain internalizes this. Then, years later, you do something embarrassing, and suddenly you feel like you're that little kid again - "I'm bad, stupid, worthless, I always screw up, I just want to vanish". Your 'adult' brain tells you that it's no big deal and you're over-reacting, but emotionally you're back to being small and overwhelmed and desperately trying to appease others' judgement. "See, I know I'm bad, I know I deserve to be punished, I know I don't deserve to be alive, look, I'll prove it to you!"

If it's neurodivergence, basically your brain is wired in such a way that you feel some (or all) emotions more sharply and deeply than most people.
Maybe you're prone to 'black-and-white', 'all-or-nothing' thinking - "either I'm perfect, or I'm worthless" - so doing any little thing wrong throws your brain into "I'm worthless" mode.
Maybe your brain is hyper-sensitive to rejection, so any misstep immediately triggers the conclusion "therefore everyone will abandon me".
(There's lots of other ways it can work, too.)

If this helps at all, let me know if you'd like some resources and information.

 

[simji_is_offline]

I hear you.
Don't know if this is applicable to you, but sometimes this kind of thing can stem from trauma, and/or having some kinds of neurodivergence (like rejection sensitive dysphoria that's often a part of ADHD, or having BPD, or being a Highly Sensitive Person, etc).

If it's trauma, it could be an emotional flashback. (They work like 'regular' flashbacks, except you don't consciously remember what you're flashing back to. You think you're still in the present, but your emotions are actually about something in your past.)
Let's say you were frequently shamed and yelled at as a kid. Your brain internalizes this. Then, years later, you do something embarrassing, and suddenly you feel like you're that little kid again - "I'm bad, stupid, worthless, I always screw up, I just want to vanish". Your 'adult' brain tells you that it's no big deal and you're over-reacting, but emotionally you're back to being small and overwhelmed and desperately trying to appease others' judgement. "See, I know I'm bad, I know I deserve to be punished, I know I don't deserve to be alive, look, I'll prove it to you!"

If it's neurodivergence, basically your brain is wired in such a way that you feel some (or all) emotions more sharply and deeply than most people.
Maybe you're prone to 'black-and-white', 'all-or-nothing' thinking - "either I'm perfect, or I'm worthless" - so doing any little thing wrong throws your brain into "I'm worthless" mode.
Maybe your brain is hyper-sensitive to rejection, so any misstep immediately triggers the conclusion "therefore everyone will abandon me".
(There's lots of other ways it can work, too.)

If this helps at all, let me know if you'd like some resources and information.

This is really helpful! I've talked about this sort of thing with my therapist. I realized recently that a lot of my anxiety stems from having to play mediator for my parents as a kid. I'd try my best to keep them entertained, so any rejection feels catastrophic to me now (because as a kid not keeping them in a good mood led to an unstable, negative environment). Since this realization I've been able to step back when I feel like I don't get the reaction I expected, but I think this felt different so I'm wondering if maybe some other factors are at play here too.

I've never been diagnosed with autism/ADHD, but my bf who is autistic notes that some of my behaviors feel reminiscent of the way it impacts him — particularly with regard to socialization. I find I'm definitely prone to the black and white thinking you're talking about, so if you have any resources related to that I think it would be really helpful for me.

Thank you so much for such a thorough and helpful response! I really appreciate it <3