The Fear

[EndItPlsGirl]

Last night I felt this intense sensation of fear surrounding my decision to CTB. I really hope I have what it takes to follow through.

 

[thelostautistic]

I think it's only natural to feel this fear. It's such a huge decision to make and go through with.

 

[EndItPlsGirl]

Ty. I just don't want to back out. I want to go fully through and finally be done with this life.

 

[NihilDoll]

To second @thelostautistic, it's only natural.
Afterall, it's the ultimate decision to make, and we're one tough species with a *lot* of failsaves in places, physically as well as mentally.
You put a lot of effort into preparation last night. Things have gotten "real", a bit of automated resistance was to be expected.
You'll make the right decision, whatever it may be.

 

[endboss]

What scares me is how methodically I prepare and try things without really reflecting on the fact that what i am doing has potentially huge consequences. i'm "playing normal" with family while writing my suicide notes, etc.. It's like there are two people inside me. One really preparing for the end and the other still hoping this isn't real, just a way to deal with the trauma and pain. scary.

 

[NihilDoll]

What scares me is how methodically I prepare and try things without really reflecting on the fact that what i am doing has potentially huge consequences. i'm "playing normal" with family while writing my suicide notes, etc.. It's like there are two people inside me. One really preparing for the end and the other still hoping this isn't real, just a way to deal with the trauma and pain. scary.

Welcome to the art of "masking".
It's nothing to be scared of, really. In most cases, it's just a coping / defense mechanism to not load even more BS onto your shoulders that would come from social interactions. You play their game to keep them happy, but it's just that, a mask.
As an Aspy, it's shit i have to deal with on a daily basis (Though naturally not to the same severity of course).

And heck, even IF it's the last bit of hope fighting back. Whatever wins will hopefully take you on a road that's better for you!
Trust the process!

 

[Aflame5926]

Last night I felt this intense sensation of fear surrounding my decision to CTB. I really hope I have what it takes to follow through.

you are not alone. BUT if you can't follow it through please dont panic and go straight away again.
pull back, replan, practice, go again.

never do it in a panic state please

 

[EndItPlsGirl]

Ok. Ty.