Venting the day I finally give that poor little girl her relief

[primadonna_]

I've been thinking recently. Like, really hard. I've been like this forever, literally forever. I remember being like 7 or 8 years old in the car driving to disneyland thinking "after this i'll finallly do it. I'll finally k*ll myself." I was waiting to ctb after I finally go to go to disney with my mom— I cried myself to sleep that night, the night after and almost every day after that. But I never followed up. I never followed through, I never did it, and I really regret it. Everything is such a waste, and all the time and effort i've spent talking to people, fighting with my parents, doing schoolwork, literally moving.. is all for nothing. I've always known I was going to end up like this, I knew I was never gonna contribute to society, fall in love or have kids. My life is meaningless, and I was just doing things for the sake of doing things. Around 13 I realized I was only there just to see how things play out, I didn't care about my friends, my education or my grades. Then I went through high school, somehow graduated with mediocre grades and went to college for the SOLE purpose of having fun and ending it as soon as i'm done. I can exit this world whenever I want to, and I will— but why haven't I yet? Why didn't I follow up? Why didn't I just find some way to end it right after I got home? Things just go downhill from there anyways. My life is a game, a sick game and everyone around me is just a background character of my endless, miserable and meaningless life. I'm excited for the day I ctb, the day I can finally fulfill that poor little girls wishes. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am.

nobody will read this lol

 

[Forever Sleep]

nobody will read this lol

We will. I imagine lots will read and relate to it.

I'm so sorry. That really is such a young age to start having these thoughts. It is a strange feeling though- I agree. I was 10 when I started having thoughts. I suppose it does feel like I've taken the long route round and back to suicide. I'm not convinced it was worth it. Do you feel like you mostly held on for the sake of other people or, did hope spur you on?

 

[dewdfish]

It's almost scary how much I relate to this. I've been having these exact same thoughts since I was 12/13. I'm 23 now, it didn't get better, matter fact it feels like things played out for the worse. I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation

 

[Karrikin]

7 or 8 seems an unfortunately young age to consider such heavy things. I am sorry life has been this way for you but I guess I've found myself in the same chasms of despair, even if it was only the latter half of my elementary years. It's almost as if life is keeping the reason why I am here obfuscated through the most difficult ways it can and my curiosity will not let me die. Either way, I hope that you may find some resolution to this.

 

[itsgone2]

I'm excited for the day I ctb, the day I can finally fulfill that poor little girls wishes. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am.

Our lives are very different but I completely relate to this. Unfortunately.

 

[aushunaph]

my brother just another me

 

[a4001]

Realest shit I've seen all day

Going strong since 11 for me. Remember having a very similar experience but it was when my family went to DC...

 

[deeprootdisease]

that's such a young age to have those thoughts, I'm sorry you went through this for such a long time. i too am just waiting so i can make that little girl rest in peace forever

 

[carfemtanyl]

I have been in your position for most of my life so I can kinda relate to that.

Why do you want to end it?

I've tried to ctb the first time when I was 7 or 8 and it went downhill after that as I had no perspective for the future and thus no reason to keep going but I finally found a reason and it significantly improved my situation. I don't know the specifics of your situation but is there a way you could too find a perspective for the future?

 

[primadonna_]

I have been in your position for most of my life so I can kinda relate to that.

Why do you want to end it?

I've tried to ctb the first time when I was 7 or 8 and it went downhill after that as I had no perspective for the future and thus no reason to keep going but I finally found a reason and it significantly improved my situation. I don't know the specifics of your situation but is there a way you could too find a perspective for the future?

Back then it was because my mom was emotionally abusive, but now it's just because I don't think I could live with the boredom and the responsibilities of living past 30 and would rather just die at my prime.

We will. I imagine lots will read and relate to it.

I'm so sorry. That really is such a young age to start having these thoughts. It is a strange feeling though- I agree. I was 10 when I started having thoughts. I suppose it does feel like I've taken the long route round and back to suicide. I'm not convinced it was worth it. Do you feel like you mostly held on for the sake of other people or, did hope spur you on?

It definitely was not other people, but I guess i kind of had this hope that something interesting would happen that would make me want to live again. Apparently I had and developed like 7 different mental illnesses so I was just living with that until I was like 13, but it's better for me now. My mom and that whole situation did give me c-ptsd tho, definitely not fun.

 

[Oreki]

I've always known I was going to end up like this, I knew I was never gonna contribute to society, fall in love or have kids.

I feel the same way. I've kind of always known it too. There are a lot of reasons, one of them is that I've never really liked socializing, and the older I got, the stronger that feeling became. Because of that, I feel like I'm bad at contributing to society. I keep telling myself I can change, but deep down I think I know I can't.

 

[carfemtanyl]

Back then it was because my mom was emotionally abusive, but now it's just because I don't think I could live with the boredom and the responsibilities of living past 30 and would rather just die at my prime.

Would it be possible for you to find something to fill that boredom? I know that feeling that looking into the future feels like you're just looking at a lot of boredom and (minor) suffering but having a perspective tends to fill that void and makes the suffering worth it.

 

[primadonna_]

Would it be possible for you to find something to fill that boredom? I know that feeling that looking into the future feels like you're just looking at a lot of boredom and (minor) suffering but having a perspective tends to fill that void and makes the suffering worth it.

Not sure. This has just always been the plan because I know I have no interest in making a name for myself, getting married, having children and actual career or any of that. I'm just here for the fun part but honestly if something like that did exist maybe I would go down a different path.

 

[kitkatt]

I've been thinking recently. Like, really hard. I've been like this forever, literally forever. I remember being like 7 or 8 years old in the car driving to disneyland thinking "after this i'll finallly do it. I'll finally k*ll myself." I was waiting to ctb after I finally go to go to disney with my mom— I cried myself to sleep that night, the night after and almost every day after that. But I never followed up. I never followed through, I never did it, and I really regret it. Everything is such a waste, and all the time and effort i've spent talking to people, fighting with my parents, doing schoolwork, literally moving.. is all for nothing. I've always known I was going to end up like this, I knew I was never gonna contribute to society, fall in love or have kids. My life is meaningless, and I was just doing things for the sake of doing things. Around 13 I realized I was only there just to see how things play out, I didn't care about my friends, my education or my grades. Then I went through high school, somehow graduated with mediocre grades and went to college for the SOLE purpose of having fun and ending it as soon as i'm done. I can exit this world whenever I want to, and I will— but why haven't I yet? Why didn't I follow up? Why didn't I just find some way to end it right after I got home? Things just go downhill from there anyways. My life is a game, a sick game and everyone around me is just a background character of my endless, miserable and meaningless life. I'm excited for the day I ctb, the day I can finally fulfill that poor little girls wishes. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am.

nobody will read this lol

I've wanted to kill my since I can remember. I don't think there's a conscious moment of me that's ever wanted to live. My first memory I watching my father beat my mother. Neither of them are allowed near me but I'm still a by product of them. I fear I'll never be whole because I was made from circumstances that were lacking so I too will be lacking. But maybe I wash never born whole and this is just how I feel and this world simply isn't made for me. Oh well last year I gotta deal with it.