It's the up and down that's the worst. I feel like no one believes me because it's not all down. Or even when it is I don't look or act the way people expect. The only way I can describe it is like a crocodile in water. You know how they like only have the top of their eyes visible. That's what it's like for me. It's always there even when I'm 'up', the suicidalness is still there. Just below the surface. When things start getting bad again it's like the crocodile is slowly coming up out the water. It's bad for a while. And then it goes back under. The cycle continues. But sometimes that doesn't matter. Sometimes the crocodile snaps its teeth and that's when an attempt happens. It happens so quickly. Everything could be fine the jaw of the crocodile opens, an attempt happens, the jaw closes and I'm fine again. It makes me feel pathetic. Like I'm making it all up. I'm also 'high functioning' which makes it all the more worse.
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