paradoxperception
Member
- Apr 3, 2026
- 11
Warning - this is jumbled mess of a post...
I've read through methods here and how some methods are futile because the body just wants to live.
I felt beaten/defeated/deflated.
Part of me wants to say "watch it work for me" and part of me thinks, "well shit, what do I do know?" I traditionally
Background diagnosis: MDD, PDD, c-PTSD, Anxiety.
Mom found a suicide note when I was 11 (I don't remember writing it), had multiple traumatic events throughout my life. Some singular some long-lasting.
I've attempted 'twice' before - obviously failing. It's been over 10 years since my last attempt, but I do SH occasionally.
I'm in my mid-30s. I feel like I'm struggling just as hard as I was in my earlier 20s. Like nothing has changed - no growth has happened, like all the work I did the last 10 years was a f***ing joke. - maybe some form of toxic positivity.
I feel so much shame, and guilt and I grieve for no (conscious) reason all the time (before this new episode). It's been 4-5 months this way, each episode is getting longer and longer and more frequent for the last 7ish years.
I'm in the care of an outpatient team because I know my early signs. They've started me on Lamictal and ativan.
Conversation with my psychiatrist after reading this forum and feeling defeated - possible TW:
So, the question remains: why is SHing so bad if it's hard to die from it? Like why the big fuss about putting me in inpatient? Is SHing like a gate-way drug?
I've tried all sort of different healing ways. I feel like they are all just BS. I've tried DBT, talk therapy, EMDR, medication, meditiation, weed, horse therapy, gaming, religion (buddism-willingly and christianity-forced).
Funny enough, religion was the worst. I drank the kool-aid for a while, but then I saw through the BS.
I tried meditation for years. YEARS. Like medication, it's a band-aid and you have to be so consistent with it that eventually it turns into spiritual-bypassing, and you can't stop it becasue once you do it's back. I saw that more than I saw 'healed people'. It's a fake culture. You're still who you are underneath. you can OM all you want, you're om only distracts the thoughts, doesn't make them go away.
So I'm taking the meds...
I don't want to, but I am. I am such a control freak, I rarely stay on the meds longer than 3-4 months (i think was the longest)
I'm back in my void, but this time there is more.... control? Like instead of resisting the oppression, I'm working with it - Idk I can't really explain it?
A friend of mine jokes about it a lot... like it's her 'dark humor' says things like "past my 47th reason". I don't find it funny because it's serious to me, yet I WANT to trigger myself to do it. Read books with it, watch movies with it etc. But for some reason when she says it - I tense up. Maybe I'm worried about being found out? IDK.
I would like it to be a discussion to understand whats going on and I hope that people here can help me, because this topic is so taboo.
IDK where I am right now.
I've read through methods here and how some methods are futile because the body just wants to live.
I felt beaten/defeated/deflated.
Part of me wants to say "watch it work for me" and part of me thinks, "well shit, what do I do know?" I traditionally
am a cutter, but have held a gun to my head last time
Mom found a suicide note when I was 11 (I don't remember writing it), had multiple traumatic events throughout my life. Some singular some long-lasting.
I've attempted 'twice' before - obviously failing. It's been over 10 years since my last attempt, but I do SH occasionally.
I'm in my mid-30s. I feel like I'm struggling just as hard as I was in my earlier 20s. Like nothing has changed - no growth has happened, like all the work I did the last 10 years was a f***ing joke. - maybe some form of toxic positivity.
I feel so much shame, and guilt and I grieve for no (conscious) reason all the time (before this new episode). It's been 4-5 months this way, each episode is getting longer and longer and more frequent for the last 7ish years.
I'm in the care of an outpatient team because I know my early signs. They've started me on Lamictal and ativan.
Conversation with my psychiatrist after reading this forum and feeling defeated - possible TW:
She had a very open mind to this conversation I did test the waters before going into detail:
Firstly, I told her I was safe, because I don't want to go inpatient again.
My intrusive thoughts have shifted from normal 'intrusive' to new 'persuasive'
I now wish I have never met my fiance. I thought I was 'healed', but now I'm dragging him down with me.
I think about harming myself constantly - though now I feel like I can have unlimited harming because, well, apparently it's hard to kms through cutting.
I've been having self-mutilating dreams, I can't work (luckily it's been slow), my mind only thinks about SH.
(I didn't tell her this) I've resisted for now, but I'm in the prepping phase of it all. I'm resisting, I'm resisting, but I'm getting my tools together.
I told her, if the body wants to live and it's actually hard to kys, then why is it so bad if I SH?
She said herion is not a good coping mechanism either.
My brain thought - yea but heroin is more likely to kill you then cutting and bleeding.
But she compared them to both being unhealthy behaviors.
Idk it didn't feel like a good answer.
Firstly, I told her I was safe, because I don't want to go inpatient again.
My intrusive thoughts have shifted from normal 'intrusive' to new 'persuasive'
I now wish I have never met my fiance. I thought I was 'healed', but now I'm dragging him down with me.
I think about harming myself constantly - though now I feel like I can have unlimited harming because, well, apparently it's hard to kms through cutting.
I've been having self-mutilating dreams, I can't work (luckily it's been slow), my mind only thinks about SH.
(I didn't tell her this) I've resisted for now, but I'm in the prepping phase of it all. I'm resisting, I'm resisting, but I'm getting my tools together.
I told her, if the body wants to live and it's actually hard to kys, then why is it so bad if I SH?
She said herion is not a good coping mechanism either.
My brain thought - yea but heroin is more likely to kill you then cutting and bleeding.
But she compared them to both being unhealthy behaviors.
Idk it didn't feel like a good answer.
I've tried all sort of different healing ways. I feel like they are all just BS. I've tried DBT, talk therapy, EMDR, medication, meditiation, weed, horse therapy, gaming, religion (buddism-willingly and christianity-forced).
Funny enough, religion was the worst. I drank the kool-aid for a while, but then I saw through the BS.
I tried meditation for years. YEARS. Like medication, it's a band-aid and you have to be so consistent with it that eventually it turns into spiritual-bypassing, and you can't stop it becasue once you do it's back. I saw that more than I saw 'healed people'. It's a fake culture. You're still who you are underneath. you can OM all you want, you're om only distracts the thoughts, doesn't make them go away.
So I'm taking the meds...
I don't want to, but I am. I am such a control freak, I rarely stay on the meds longer than 3-4 months (i think was the longest)
I'm back in my void, but this time there is more.... control? Like instead of resisting the oppression, I'm working with it - Idk I can't really explain it?
A friend of mine jokes about it a lot... like it's her 'dark humor' says things like "past my 47th reason". I don't find it funny because it's serious to me, yet I WANT to trigger myself to do it. Read books with it, watch movies with it etc. But for some reason when she says it - I tense up. Maybe I'm worried about being found out? IDK.
I would like it to be a discussion to understand whats going on and I hope that people here can help me, because this topic is so taboo.
IDK where I am right now.
