Help The ambulance is here

[Azzy69]

hope youre doing okay and the hospital food isnt too bad

 

[pilotmetal00]

Hello guys!
thank you for all kind messages. They make me very happy in days like these. I truly have no one to understand me like you guys do, everyday I am more grateful to find this website. My family is still denying having me released, they claim that they are worried for me and cannot let my go home since they claim I need to be supervised. Good news though is that if I keep cooperating they can onlykeep me here by force for 72 hours.

However This is extremely frustrating to me. How can they treat me like this? It's so dehumanizing to only have access to my phone at few times of day and be treated like a criminal because I decided that it was time for me to end my life. Being here is a constant reminder of my disappointment.

I am not even allowed to shower alone., the nurses watch me change clothes. It is upsetting as a young woman to be constantly watched. I feel uncomfortable and criminalized. I still have a lot of convincing to do before my next attempt to CTB - more good news is that the doctors are willing to believe that it was temporary instability to my attempt and not something that was thouroghly planned.

Anywho, thanks all for being here for me. You guys truly are the only ones I trust.

I am so sorry for what you're going through. Many of us on the site have gone through similar things, so we do understand.

I feel so dissected and stared at like a circus animal.

I can completely relate to this statement. I once had to sit in a hospital waiting room in handcuffs while people stared at me like a criminal, and I hadn't even done anything. I had gone into a nurse to get my thyroid fixed and she way overreacted and wanted to show a trainee how powerful she was, so she forced me to the hospital against my will and falsely accuse my husband of abusing me with no proof whatsoever. Just try to stay as calm as you can and follow all the instructions of the doctors and nurses.
Follow the advice that others on this forum have given you and, hopefully, they will decide that you are no longer a danger to yourself and you can be released soon. In the meantime, just do the best you can to keep yourself as emotionally together as possible.

My heart is breaking for you right now because I've been in your place. I'm sending you a big hug and all my love and support.

It is defintely not okay the way they treated you. I am so sorry you had to go through that! I hope you are in a better place. And thank you for your kind wishes.

That is good to hear and I hope you are able to be released ASAP. As for the future, yes, planning more carefully and accounting for even unlikely variables is key. One additional word of advice I'd like to give is that there is never too much preparation for something like CTB as it's one of the ultimate (if not ultimate) actions one can take in life. Since you have such an important decision, it is always imperative to have as close to zero room for error as possible.

I will think about that! My biggest worry now is people now know about my attempt and it will take a lot of convincing and slowly distancing myself from those people for my next attempt to be successful.

Rest, and say what you need to say in order to get out. In time, if you keep a routine, people observing you will tune out and you might have a your chance.

I'll be thinking of you. Hang in there.

I truly hope they will let go of me.

 

[jgm63]

Hope you are doing as okay as you can be for now.....

 

[Sensei]

Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't catch the bus, pilotmetal00. Your life situation may be unbearable and maybe it's the right thing to do. However, I can relate to you in some ways. I've made two attempts myself and in both cases I've acted on impulse when I've been emotionally unstable. Now I try steel myself to avoid this happening again. Why? Because ending your life is one of the most important decisions in your life, if not the most important one. Such an important decision should be based on rational thoughts, not raging emotions. You are in an emotional state right now, so I suggest you take a few days and try to forget the outside world by doing something distracting, like binge watching a TV show or playing a computer game. I assume you have suffered for a long time, so I think you'll stand a few more days. If you still feel the same after that, you can do some research and find a method that suits you.

You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but are you by any chance bipolar? I recognise the raging emotions and overpowering desperation in myself.

 

[pilotmetal00]

Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't catch the bus, pilotmetal00. Your life situation may be unbearable and maybe it's the right thing to do. However, I can relate to you in some ways. I've made two attempts myself and in both cases I've acted on impulse when I've been emotionally unstable. Now I try steel myself to avoid this happening again. Why? Because ending your life is one of the most important decisions in your life, if not the most important one. Such an important decision should be based on rational thoughts, not raging emotions. You are in an emotional state right now, so I suggest you take a few days and try to forget the outside world by doing something distracting, like binge watching a TV show or playing a computer game. I assume you have suffered for a long time, so I think you'll stand a few more days. If you still feel the same after that, you can do some research and find a method that suits you.

You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but are you by any chance bipolar? I recognise the raging emotions and overpowering desperation in myself.

Thank you for your insight. I myself have suspected bipolarity to be a part of myself but I have been too young to be officially diagnosed with it and the queue for the diagnosis program takes about six months. When I get depresssed I usually have a very impulsive and desperete need to hurt myself.

I wish I could come to a point of happiness, I will continue to give therapy a chance but for now... I feel like a useless human who can only hurt themself.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear that your family and other people around you are still keeping you locked up and may the 72 hours pass quickly for you. Keep up the good fight and I too wish you the best in pushing this incident under the rug so that you are able to plan your future (if you choose to attempt again or if you choose to live) accordingly, without too much interference from others.

 

[Sensei]

Thank you for your insight. I myself have suspected bipolarity to be a part of myself but I have been too young to be officially diagnosed with it and the queue for the diagnosis program takes about six months. When I get depresssed I usually have a very impulsive and desperete need to hurt myself.

I wish I could come to a point of happiness, I will continue to give therapy a chance but for now... I feel like a useless human who can only hurt themself.

Your impulsivity and need to hurt yourself indicate that you may be bipolar. If you are bipolar, you are going through one of the most painful things a human being can go through: a depressive episode or a so-called mixed episode. Have you ever had any periods when you've needed very little sleep, been very happy and positive, and very productive and creative? (You can still be bipolar if you haven't. The first episode is usually a depressive one, especially when it comes to bipolar disorder II.)

If you are bipolar, therapy will have limited effect on you. It can help you deal with trauma, low self-esteem, and so on, but not your bipolarity as such. The only thing that really works is medication. It's very important that you get diagnosed as soon as possible, because the suicide rate for bipolar disorder is without competition the highest in society. It may be that you don't really want to kill yourself, but your illness makes everything look unproportionately dark and hopeless.

 

[k75]

thank you. This is so cruel of them i hope i die. I am so very upset right now. I will bang my head against the wall, starve myself. How useless am i ? I cant even kill myself

How can i act as if i am not a harm to myself
how can i CTB in a hospital?

Step one is to not do any of the things you just threatened to do in your first quote.

All you can do at this point is act as rationally as possible and try to make them believe that you don't really want to die, you were just overwhelmed.

And don't even try to hurt yourself further in the hospital. It may be creatively possible to hurt yourself in there, but the most likely outcome is you'll get caught and they will keep you in there longer under more restrictions.

I'm not sure if they've taken away your phone... maybe you can't even read this, but the advice goes for anyone in this position.

Suicide isn't something that should be done impulsively or rushed. My advice to you is take the time to read our resources and check the megathreads. You chose two methods that have a very low success rate to begin with. Educate yourself and figure out what to do in the future. And just please be kind to yourself. You're not obligated to do anything just because you've already tried this.

 

[pilotmetal00]

Your impulsivity and need to hurt yourself indicate that you may be bipolar. If you are bipolar, you are going through one of the most painful things a human being can go through: a depressive episode or a so-called mixed episode. Have you ever had any periods when you've needed very little sleep, been very happy and positive, and very productive and creative? (You can still be bipolar if you haven't. The first episode is usually a depressive one, especially when it comes to bipolar disorder II.)

If you are bipolar, therapy will have limited effect on you. It can help you deal with trauma, low self-esteem, and so on, but not your bipolarity as such. The only thing that really works is medication. It's very important that you get diagnosed as soon as possible, because the suicide rate for bipolar disorder is without competition the highest in society. It may be that you don't really want to kill yourself, but your illness makes everything look unproportionately dark and hopeless.

Yes I have gone through those creative episodes. I usually do drugs as well when I am going through that, such as cocaine and weed. I have medicaton , two types of antidepressants but I usually skip them because they make me feel worse and even more suicidal. I am in line for the diagnose programme for bipolarity.

i feel like I will never feel good again. I have gone through sexual trauma that will never have me feel normal again.

Step one is to not do any of the things you just threatened to do in your first quote.

All you can do at this point is act as rationally as possible and try to make them believe that you don't really want to die, you were just overwhelmed.

And don't even try to hurt yourself further in the hospital. It may be creatively possible to hurt yourself in there, but the most likely outcome is you'll get caught and they will keep you in there longer under more restrictions.

I'm not sure if they've taken away your phone... maybe you can't even read this, but the advice goes for anyone in this position.

Suicide isn't something that should be done impulsively or rushed. My advice to you is take the time to read our resources and check the megathreads. You chose two methods that have a very low success rate to begin with. Educate yourself and figure out what to do in the future. And just please be kind to yourself. You're not obligated to do anything just because you've already tried this.

I was very upset at this moment, thank you for your insight. I don't think it is possible for me to live a life, my plan was to drown in the bathtub after I had cut myself open, so that I could not get up. Unfortunately the ambulance had *gotten there

 

[Sensei]

Yes I have gone through those creative episodes. I usually do drugs as well when I am going through that, such as cocaine and weed. I have medicaton , two types of antidepressants but I usually skip them because they make me feel worse and even more suicidal. I am in line for the diagnose programme for bipolarity.

This also indicates that you're bipolar. It's very common that bipolars use drugs to cope. At least 30 % (it may be as high as 60 %) even get addicted at some point in their lives. Antidepressants usually have no or negative effects on bipolars if not used in combination with mood stabilisers. When they initially thought that I only suffered from depression and gave me anitdepressants, I got a manic-like episode even though I'm bipolar II and normally only get hypomanic episodes, which was followed by feelings of hopelessnes and suicidal impulses until I got a mood stabiliser. Anyway, good look with your diagnose programme. I hope that you're not bipolar, but if turns out that you are, there are ways to cope with it.

i feel like I will never feel good again. I have gone through sexual trauma that will never have me feel normal again.

If you are bipolar, there are good medicines. It might take some time to find the right one, but once they do, everyday life will become easier for you. Then it will probably be possible to treat your sexual trauma more effectively with therapy as you will have a more balanced view on life. Again, good luck!

 

[pilotmetal00]

This also indicates that you're bipolar. It's very common that bipolars use drugs to cope. At least 30 % (it may be as high as 60 %) even get addicted at some point in their lives.. Antidepressants usually have no or negative effects on bipolars if not used in combination with mood stabilisers. When they initially thought that I only suffered from depression and gave me anitdepressants, I got a manic-like episode even though I'm bipolar II and normally only get hypomanic episodes, which was followed by feelings of hopelessnes and suicidal impulses until I got a mood stabiliser. Anyway, good look with your diagnose programme. I hope that you're not bipolar, but if turns out that you are, there are ways to cope with it.



If you are bipolar, there are good medicines. It might take some time to find the right one, but once they do, everyday life will become easier for you. Then it will probably be possible to treat your sexual trauma more effectively with therapy as you will have a more balanced view on life. Again, good luck!

Thank you for your kind wishes. I hope to find out what is the problem within me but in reality my sexual trauma has had such deep effect on me and even after 8 years of therapy I am still coping with it. Having to change clothes in front of the doctors and nurses here at the hospital is extremely dehumanizing and only reminds me more of that helpless and horrible moment.

I am delighted that so many have replied and sent me useful information and insight. I will be released tomorrow. My family still treats me as a criminal and refuse to even visit or call. I really have no one at this point. They say I need to be supervised but I really believe they just don't want me around.

Although I'm being released, my therapy will still continue. I will give it a fair chance but my thoughts are still persistent about constantly harming myself. I really can't control how I hurt myself ... I might as well die?
Edit: the only way I cope with life is doing drugs.. they are the only thing that make me happy. I am not addicted yet but I do enjoy drugs very much...Now I am more lonely than ever but I cant afford to buy more drugs. It is upsetting and frustrating

 

[Jean Améry]

Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't catch the bus, @pilotmetal00. Your life situation may be unbearable and maybe it's the right thing to do. However, I can relate to you in some ways. I've made two attempts myself and in both cases I've acted on impulse when I've been emotionally unstable. Now I try steel myself to avoid this happening again. Why? Because ending your life is one of the most important decisions in your life, if not the most important one. Such an important decision should be based on rational thoughts, not raging emotions. You are in an emotional state right now, so I suggest you take a few days and try to forget the outside world by doing something distracting, like binge watching a TV show or playing a computer game. I assume you have suffered for a long time, so I think you'll stand a few more days. If you still feel the same after that, you can do some research and find a method that suits you.

I second this. No need to do anything rash and this will likely fail as you discovered and you might end up with irreversible damage. Better to think things through: both with regard to the decision itself and the method.

I'm sorry you find yourself in such degrading circumstances but hang in there and they'll have to release you.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

It's good that you want to give it a chance (the therapy I mean.) Don't expect that anyone in your immediate circle 'gets' why you want to die. Expect to be labeled ill, insane or irrational.

Hopefully you'll find someone (maybe a therapist) who takes a humanistic point of view and who takes you at face value.

Good luck!!

 

[Starrywaters]

This might be an odd slant on it but hear me out. Having an attempt that has been discovered might well push you as a higher priority for your bipolar assessment. If you are bipolar as others have said this leans itself towards impulse and sometimes poorly planned/desperate acts of trying to CTB.

If you are bipolar and you receive better support for that then you might well find you are more able to plan effectively and ultimately be successful if you do decide to CTB.

But I am glad you seem a bit brighter in your last posts, it's incredibly difficult to have had somebody intervene with something you wanted and should be able to choose for yourself.

 

[Moonicide]

Reading this hit home with me as I do live with Bipolar as well... I am sorry you've been put in a controlling environment after your ctb. I know with family it's their way of displaying how much they care about you, but it can do more damage than good. It can cause the opposite effect and make individuals develop resentment and not want to follow through with recovery. It's a very complex and sensitive situation when your loved one is currently dealing with suicidal tendencies and actively acts upon it. I just think there's a way to go about showing you care without removing the persons humanity and basic rights. Really unfortunate. I wish our loved ones would educate themselves more on this, and I wish the system wasn't so corrupt.

But! I am very happy to hear that you are giving life another chance. Whatever your decision is in the end, I support you. We all support you here.
Take care of yourself, love.

 

[pilotmetal00]

I am being released today. I have no privacy and am constantly being watched over. The only place I feel safe is within this forum. This makes me realize that I am not alone and that I should give therapy another fair chance.

I will do my best not to harm myself for a while although my impulses to harm myself are constant and it is difficult to stop them. Again, thank you so much for all answers, replies and stories of your own. It makes me feel as if I am not so alone. Everyone makes me feel like a horrible human being for my thoughts. I dont know how to live...I hope my therapist will listen to me and give me some hope. And I hope that I will get more efficent medication to help me battle with my thoughts.

As for now I will deal with the pro-lifers visiting me and asking me questions such as "why" and "how could you do this to me?" It only makes me feel worse when they guilt me in this way. I don't feel ready to meet them yet but it is something I have to go through.

 

[jgm63]

Good luck for the coming days. I'm sure it won't be easy, but something good might come from it....

 

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

I am being released today. I have no privacy and am constantly being watched over. The only place I feel safe is within this forum. This makes me realize that I am not alone and that I should give therapy another fair chance.

I will do my best not to harm myself for a while although my impulses to harm myself are constant and it is difficult to stop them. Again, thank you so much for all answers, replies and stories of your own. It makes me feel as if I am not so alone. Everyone makes me feel like a horrible human being for my thoughts. I dont know how to live...I hope my therapist will listen to me and give me some hope. And I hope that I will get more efficent medication to help me battle with my thoughts.

As for now I will deal with the pro-lifers visiting me and asking me questions such as "why" and "how could you do this to me?" It only makes me feel worse when they guilt me in this way. I don't feel ready to meet them yet but it is something I have to go through.

People like pro-lifers can't relate and therefore cannot comprehend how self-harm or CTB can be so compelling. But you're right about the forum. Most of us can relate and will be here whenever you need us. As many before have said, your job now is to just play the game and try to rebuild trust so that you can get as much freedom as possible. Good luck. Hit us up any time.