Terrified of it not working

[theviewfromhalfway]

I've failed many times now, even with attempts that are almost 100% sure like jumping and each time it's left me more traumatised and suicidal than I already was. The problem I have now though is I have severe ptsd from my last attempt and it honestly terrifies me that if I tried again I'd survive and have to live through that pain again. It's so hard to find a sure way so if anyone has anything they think is the most sure please tell me. I'd jump again and make sure I fall all the way this time but I couldn't ever bring myself to the ledge again, even typing this is making me panic. The actual dying isn't even what im afraid of which is so silly but the aftermath of realising you're still here, having to deal with physical pain and your family/ loved ones finding out is horrible. I feel like im trapped here because of the risk of surviving. I wish there was an easy way or even if I suffer, just a sure way I'll be gone.

 

[PlasticFace]

I can totally relate to this fear. I'm also pretty nervous about trying new methods. The easiest ones, even if they aren't the prettiest, are ones where you can easily get by your SI. Guns can be hard to get depending on where you are but your SI can't really fuck you up with that, and if it does, it'll just keep you from doing it so hopefully, you won't have to live with the aftermath like me lol. Anything irreversible, like with certain cases of OD, are pretty reliable too because you just have to get by actually taking it and then you just wait. If you are struggling with just the act of CTB, maybe you should wait until you get past that. Test running things can kind of give you that feeling along with knowing you'll live. I've test ran the exit-bag method a couple of times and the materials aren't that hard to get if you know where to find them.

 

[FuneralCry]

I have the same fear, it's just so horrible how we exist in this cruel world where we are denied reliable ways to exit. It terrifies me the thought of failing ctb and it really does sound beyond horrific what you've been through. This world certainly is hell.