Tempted to travel to a developing country and go out in a blaze.

[HereIGoAgain24]

About a year ago, I was in Vietnam as an English teacher, and found myself in this backpacker quarter. The place was crazy- I walked into a pharmacy to get my anti-anxiety meds, and not only did I not need a prescription, the pharmacist tried to sell me xanax, ritalin, and morphine. I was surrounded by cheap beer, loud music, sex, 'massage parlors', and prostitutes. Other people told me about their trips to Cambodia, where they could would get offered cocaine and heroin just walking down the streets.
And I'm so tempted to travel back and CTB that way.
Take all the drugs I want. Eat whatever I want. Hook up with people. Drink as much as I can. And never wake up. I wouldn't hire prostitutes (I don't want to support that exploitation), but anything else goes.
I have enough in my savings to do it; the only thing that's holding me back is... the fact that I'm supposed to start a job in February. Seriously? The world's on fire; society is falling apart around us. I have nothing else to look forward to in my life, any long-term goals would inevitably fall apart from the whims of the mad tyrants ruling us. And what are my other methods for CTB?
I have SN (no benzos or meto, though), so what- I take it in my apartment and quietly hope it works, only spending my last moments terrified of both living and dying?
Use the blood-choke method when I can barely feel the organs around my neck?
Try to get a gun in the US (never fired one in my life, and being from New York, it's not as easy as it is for most people).

I know, on some level, that the 'blaze of euphoria' could just make things worse for me. I've read the non-methods megathread; I know that any of these could just fail and leave me with permanent injuries. But FUCK, it's so tempting, and the biggest thing holding me back is a fucking job offer.

 

[nibba]

Sorry you feel this way but on the flipside that sounds like an awesome way to go. I was thinking of going to Mexico and doing something similar but if Vietnam is like that then I'm sold.

 

[HereIGoAgain24]

Sorry you feel this way but on the flipside that sounds like an awesome way to go. I was thinking of going to Mexico and doing something similar but if Vietnam is like that then I'm sold.

Mexico or another country in Latin America would be pretty awesome, and I've wanted to experience them a bit. It's probably the easier option if you're in America, as well. I think I just want to try Vietnam or Cambodia because I'm a bit more familiar with them (actually, Cambodia is probably the better bet, since it's less developed).

And hey, no need to feel sorry for me. I'm in a weird position in my life where things are personally fine for me, but it's just watching the world around me go insane that makes me want to CTB. I see the stories from people here- people who have no money, abusive families, horrible trauma, who face discrimination every day- whose every minute is a nightmare, who are trapped in a cycle of misery. They don't have this option that I do. That's INFINITELY worse than what I'm facing.

 

[Richard Langford]

The idea of being able to buy anything at a chemist is appealing. Like morphine or even N. However, the idea of doing myself in a Cambodian hotel isn't. I did look look at Cambodian online chemists to see if they ship obroad. I suppose uk customs would be wise to that if they did anyway.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

Well, I guess the world is a small place. I find myself in Cambodia now, arrived just a few days ago. Ironically, with the purpose of teaching English, but really just to get away from where I was. In a way, I'm giving myself a chance. And if this fails, ctb remains an option. Haven't been offered drugs yet but also haven't been looking. I've heard that the demand for English teachers here is not that great at the moment, and I may try Thailand if it doesn't work out here, but we'll see. All the best with your decision!!

 

[KillingPain267]

Problem is, you won't die that way unless you have it planned carefully. Instead, you will suddenly wake up one day in horrific opiate withdrawals and alcohol delirium with possible stds from needles and promiscuity, robbed of your passport, bank cards but broke anyway to use it. You will be too sick and weak to even plan a suicide and will regret it. There are plenty of westerners who end up homeless in these places, and once you are out of money NOBODY will wanna help you, they just wanna get rid of you. Look up articles about homeless westerners in Asia.

I tried this "fuck it" phase of drinking and drugging myself out with booze, xanax and opioids a year ago, but just in my own country. After just a month I realized it's not sustainable and sure as hell doesn't get me closer to a peaceful suicide. You might last a bit longer because your currency has more purchasing power there, but still, many will fleece you especially when they realize you're high as a kite and drunk out of your mind to put 2 and 2 together. After this phase I had I found myself begging for opioid withdrawal treatment at a detox center, and at the hospital with fluid in my legs and fatty liver from booze a month later. And a family that condemned me but I had to rely on to help me out of debt.

The only thing I would be doing in those countries would be looking for access to N or and/or illegal gun.

 

[HereIGoAgain24]

The idea of being able to buy anything at a chemist is appealing. Like morphine or even N. However, the idea of doing myself in a Cambodian hotel isn't. I did look look at Cambodian online chemists to see if they ship obroad. I suppose uk customs would be wise to that if they did anyway.

Yeah, I wouldn't trust that stuff. I can say that I managed to get SN in China pretty easily.

Well, I guess the world is a small place. I find myself in Cambodia now, arrived just a few days ago. Ironically, with the purpose of teaching English, but really just to get away from where I was. In a way, I'm giving myself a chance. And if this fails, ctb remains an option. Haven't been offered drugs yet but also haven't been looking. I've heard that the demand for English teachers here is not that great at the moment, and I may try Thailand if it doesn't work out here, but we'll see. All the best with your decision!!

Interesting about the low demand for English teachers- I thought it was pretty strong all across East Asia. Any idea what's causing it?
In any case, you're a much braver person than me to teach in Cambodia. The heat and vulnerability to natural disasters make me terrified to go for any long-term stay.

Problem is, you won't die that way unless you have it planned carefully. Instead, you will suddenly wake up one day in horrific opiate withdrawals and alcohol delirium with possible stds from needles and promiscuity, robbed of your passport, bank cards but broke anyway to use it. You will be too sick and weak to even plan a suicide and will regret it. There are plenty of westerners who end up homeless in these places, and once you are out of money NOBODY will wanna help you, they just wanna get rid of you. Look up articles about homeless westerners in Asia.

I tried this "fuck it" phase of drinking and drugging myself out with booze, xanax and opioids a year ago, but just in my own country. After just a month I realized it's not sustainable and sure as hell doesn't get me closer to a peaceful suicide. You might last a bit longer because your currency has more purchasing power there, but still, many will fleece you especially when they realize you're high as a kite and drunk out of your mind to put 2 and 2 together. After this phase I had I found myself begging for opioid withdrawal treatment at a detox center, and at the hospital with fluid in my legs and fatty liver from booze a month later. And a family that condemned me but I had to rely on to help me out of debt.

The only thing I would be doing in those countries would be looking for access to N or and/or illegal gun.

Yeah, I understand. I was in a bit of a fantasizing mood when I wrote the original post. A part of me still wants to spend a week or so there just enjoying myself before taking the SN- although since I'd have so much shit in my body, there'd be a million ways for it to go wrong.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

Interesting about the low demand for English teachers- I thought it was pretty strong all across East Asia. Any idea what's causing it?
In any case, you're a much braver person than me to teach in Cambodia. The heat and vulnerability to natural disasters make me terrified to go for any long-term stay.

Not exactly sure about the demand, just looking at the number of adverts compared to Thailand, and also on expat social media groups many people are saying they can't find jobs. I think there is a bigger influx of wanna be teachers here cause the requirements are lower, e.g., no degree needed and also from what I hear jobs are mainly at private schools that can afford teachers, not in public schools like in Thailand or Vietnam. Must say the weather this time of year is surprisingly good, but heard today summer is only starting in April. About brave, well brave is not necessarily clever, but this is where I'm at now, hard to believe it even myself.

Were you considering traveling with SN to Cambodia? Is that safe customs wise? And do you think there may be issues having it sent here from DMC?

 

[tiredash]

Years ago there was a story about a guy who wanted to die but also spend his money before dying. He went to mexico, spent all his money in drugs and prostitutes during a couple of months... And he no longer wanted to die

 

[HereIGoAgain24]

Not exactly sure about the demand, just looking at the number of adverts compared to Thailand, and also on expat social media groups many people are saying they can't find jobs. I think there is a bigger influx of wanna be teachers here cause the requirements are lower, e.g., no degree needed and also from what I hear jobs are mainly at private schools that can afford teachers, not in public schools like in Thailand or Vietnam. Must say the weather this time of year is surprisingly good, but heard today summer is only starting in April. About brave, well brave is not necessarily clever, but this is where I'm at now, hard to believe it even myself.

Were you considering traveling with SN to Cambodia? Is that safe customs wise? And do you think there may be issues having it sent here from DMC?

I've never found DMC, actually- I got mine off a Chinese app (though I would like to find DMC eventually, just to sate my curiosity). I don't know much about Cambodian customs, but I suspect it wouldn't be much of an issue with customs. SN was incredibly easy to get in China, which is far more developed and strict about law enforcement than Cambodia. I think the awareness of SN for CTB is more of a western thing.
Also- are you working at a public school? Man, I did that in China, and I never want to go back.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

I've never found DMC, actually- I got mine off a Chinese app (though I would like to find DMC eventually, just to sate my curiosity). I don't know much about Cambodian customs, but I suspect it wouldn't be much of an issue with customs. SN was incredibly easy to get in China, which is far more developed and strict about law enforcement than Cambodia. I think the awareness of SN for CTB is more of a western thing.
Also- are you working at a public school? Man, I did that in China, and I never want to go back.

Interesting, thanks. DM me if you need help in finding DMC, I've been holding off in ordering since I was not sure if I'd get it before I left and now, I'm not sure how long I'll be here. I'm doing a TEFL refresher first until month end and then need to decide between Thailand and here. I'm leaning towards Thailand cause for one at least weed is legal. From what I hear the money in Thailand is not that great though because it's likely public schools whereas here it will be private schools, but limited availability. I did a public school in Japan, and also not looking forward to that again... Anyways, if you wanted to party, it seems Cambodia or even Thailand may be great options. As for Vietnam, I've heard the Police aren't so friendly, but you will know better than me

 

[KillingPain267]

Yeah, I understand. I was in a bit of a fantasizing mood when I wrote the original post.

I did too last year when I became a fullblown suicidal person. I actually fantasized about disappearing to Asia and find people to play Russian roulette with. Like I was Nick in the movie Deer Hunter, lol. That was before I experimented with drugs which delayed my suicide and gave me even more suffering and reasons to end it.

A part of me still wants to spend a week or so there just enjoying myself before taking the SN- although since I'd have so much shit in my body, there'd be a million ways for it to go wrong.

Yeah and you can actually do that. But you won't "go out with a bang". You still need to carefully and soberly plan your suicide after that because so much can go wrong. But enjoy things before. Just be careful with things like heroin. It can get you addicted within a week. You do NOT want to experience withdrawals, speaking from experience.

 

[escape_from_hell]

Yeah and you can actually do that. But you won't "go out with a bang". You still need to carefully and soberly plan your suicide after that because so much can go wrong. But enjoy things before. Just be careful with things like heroin. It can get you addicted within a week. You do NOT want to experience withdrawals, speaking from experience.

It is very helpful to hear your experiences.

Would you use strong opioids+benzos as a palliative while trying to CTB through other means?
Like to be fearless and pain-free for a jump or shotgun to head type of thing.

I have only tried kratom but the problem is that it also gives a sort of optimism and "maybe things can be turned around" type of mindset, a quite wholesome and loving mentality despite how demonized drugs are. So rather than SI being the problem there is contending with actual joy (which is certainly extremely temporary). But, combined with enough sedatives or maybe dissociatives and alcohol it can make me numb enough that I could happily chop limbs off without feeling a thing (hypothetically)??

I am just so cowardly I cannot face suicide without being numbed by some kind of pharma substance. It's terrifying to think I'll have to do everything sober, I don't mind the planning part but I want to just kind of fade into the abyss as I'm sure most here do.

 

[KillingPain267]

It is very helpful to hear your experiences.

Yeah, things sound cool in thought, but once you experience it in reality it's much worse or hard.

Would you use strong opioids+benzos as a palliative while trying to CTB through other means?
Like to be fearless and pain-free for a jump or shotgun to head type of thing.

I will likely go with SN, so opioids are unfortunately not recommended because they can cause nausea and increase chance of vomiting (and I know it's true because the first few times of getting high I had nausea). For jumps or gun methods, yes. Even hanging maybe (although I attempted partial hanging with the "courage" of alcohol but nothing can really mask the feeling of choking or pressure on the neck). But beware with getting so high on drugs that life suddenly feels kinda okay. It only leads to postponing the suicide but then with another added problem of an addiction you now HAVE to feed.

I have only tried kratom but the problem is that it also gives a sort of optimism and "maybe things can be turned around" type of mindset, a quite wholesome and loving mentality despite how demonized drugs are.

Exactly that. I haven't tried kratom, only oxycodone and morphine. And yes, I wish I could have unlimited free opioids, then I would feel okay with life. I mean like really, it totally cures depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation. The only problem is that tolerance to that feeling develops fast and we'll eventually take ridiculous amounts of the drug until it leads to organ failure. Although still, it's less harmful than alcohol yet that is legal, which is kinda sus tbh. Antidepressant meds do jack shit to depression compared to opioids.

But, combined with enough sedatives or maybe dissociatives and alcohol it can make me numb enough that I could happily chop limbs off without feeling a thing (hypothetically)??

Hypothetically, yes. That's essentially what they do to the wounded in battlefields. Opioids, ketamine, whiskey etc.

I am just so cowardly I cannot face suicide without being numbed by some kind of pharma substance. It's terrifying to think I'll have to do everything sober, I don't mind the planning part but I want to just kind of fade into the abyss as I'm sure most here do.

Same. My SI is very high. I actually feel sad that the SN method only allows benzos to numb me. I get scared just thinking about SN coursing through my body. But the alternatives are even worse. Preferred would be Nembutal, Sarco or a gun while high on opioids and drunk with rum. Even dying from heart failure naturally sounds scary.

 

[crocune]

I've never found DMC, actually- I got mine off a Chinese app (though I would like to find DMC eventually, just to sate my curiosity). I don't know much about Cambodian customs, but I suspect it wouldn't be much of an issue with customs. SN was incredibly easy to get in China, which is far more developed and strict about law enforcement than Cambodia. I think the awareness of SN for CTB is more of a western thing.
Also- are you working at a public school? Man, I did that in China, and I never want to go back.

Can you explain how you got sn in China? I found them in big kg bags but they sell industrially , not sure how to buy them in small quantities