Venting Depression vent

[Cepheuss]

I havent been back on this site in a while. Ive been on and off suicidal for years and constantly depressed. Every time i feel like something might get better my life will 180 and turn to shit again. I havent been to therapy in over a year as it feels unhelpful the only helpful thing was her telling me the reason i cant sleep well being i am stuck in fight or flight due to trauma. I feel like i can never trust anyone and everytime it feels like i get closer to feeling happy in my friendships one person will change that and bring back that feeling of distrust towards everyone. Its been so long since ive put my feelings into words or anything so i figured as there is no one i can talk to personally i might as well do it somewhere i wont be judged. I do want to die but more so i wish i never existed in the first place, i used to be overly outgoing and social now i stay inside on call to one friend playing video games all day and as much as i appreciate that I miss my old life of going out all night but i know those people werent healthy to be around. i miss my job as it gave me purpose and something to do whereas now i have so much time and nothing to do. I do love my friends despite not having a sense of trust in anyone anymore. I used to be a heavy substance user on top of that and it destroyed my relationships with everyone around me but it was the only thing that kept me feeling sane, i still occasionally use but its not as bad as it used to be by any lengths. I havent been able to even leave the house at all recently im stuck in a cycle of not being able to fall asleep until 5-8am no matter how hard i try and then sleeping for 12 hours meaning with this winter uk weather i havent even seen the sun in a while, the only thing that gets me out of the house is my photography but without the sun thats a lot more difficult. I know fixing my sleep and going out again with different people will help my situation but i physically feel like i cannot which just feels pathetic. Part of the problem is i know that when it starts getting better again it will all just come down. I cant hold friendships for the life of me we'll either slowly grow apart or they do something to fuck me over. I dont know what the purpose of this rant is i just dont know how to feel better about myself, most of my old interests dont interest me anymore at all and i feel like ive been stuck in this loop for so long, with my track record i am so genuinely scared for the future every day. I know life isnt going to be easy but i feel like i cant take anymore.
I have so much to say but i dont know what.