Tell me your problems, why do you want to CTB?

[Socrates Augustus]

Why do you want to CTB?

 

[Wallflower]

i'm going to do it cause my life is losing meaning. don't get me wrong, i have a lot of passions and talents. the thing is, i'm not really good at any of them. i'm too lazy to try.

i have this type of anxiety where whenever i complete a piece of art or writing, i hate it instantly. then i don't want to start another one because i know i will hate it.

and it doesn't help that my parents and siblings are constantly insulting me. that's me i guess, thanks for the vent.

 

[wanttodie]

disability, that also stops me working. all so and depression sick of life and living and want out

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Nah just tried earlier nobody gives a shit

 

[TAW122]

My overall life sucks, Aspergers coupled with social anxiety and shit, then also being an ugly Asian male in western society, not much I can do about that (dating prospects are slim or non-existent or a joke, social life is hell). Plus, most of my life objectively sucks (while I have a small job to support myself, it still sucks) and I'm just existing, and also a lot of my dreams and goals are just unattainable at this point. Then of course, you got existential problems, fear of old age, infirmity and disease, and societal/social issues in day to day life.

I just want to end my suffering.

 

[ForgetAboutMe]

Why do you want to CTB?

No faith in society, hatred for myself, beaten down and an unwillingness to feel more pain, incapable of changing my situation or myself - often resulting in an outcome that's worse, unable to connect from fear, unable to trust anyone, unable to sustain any progress. and a terrifying fear of living long enough to see myself as inadequate. I'm sure there is more.

 

[Kyrok]

#1 Chronic pain making life too hard, in bed from mid-afternoon on.
#2 Ashamed of how my life turned out & full of regret
#3 No children + wife & I aren't happy
#4 Crushing pressure: I committed to a book, but I'm in too much pain to write it.
#5 I don't fell like there's anything in my life that makes me want to hang on. Nothing I am happy about. No hope that that will change.

 

[Help_Me]

I have no meaning at all and I've failed searching for it. I have no family, only 2-3 friends, a mental disease.

 

[CJM]

I originally wanted to because of my Dad. He was such an amazing man to me and I really miss going over there to watch the game. He had cancer so I was there for around 4 months day in day out from his home to the hospital to a hospice and death.

 

[Chlo]

1. I don't have a job and I have zero motivation to work, thus I'm leeching off my mom. She's about to cut me off.
2. If I can't find work, I'll be homeless within a month and a half.
3. Alcohol is how I cope, and I do embarrassing shit literally every time I drink, which is at least a three or four days out of the week. This and my job status are my two biggest sources of shame.
4. I have no real friends, and I live in a different state from my entire family.
5. No talents or hobbies I actively pursue. Feel trapped in my home without a car or will to get my license back after it was suspended due to a DUI.
6. I'm still not over the break up with my ex two years ago; I feel the pain of that rejection every day.

 

[lululoo]

Chronic pain and fatigue
Depression
Chronically single and no hope of that changing
Don't enjoy people or activities anymore
No way to support myself in the long term

 

[dysfunctional]

Just really intense depression/bipolar mix that seems to have fried my brain. I could generally overcome any problems I've had if it weren't for that.

 

[felix]

Extreme social anxiety to point I can't breath or talk around ppl
Mental slowness so I can't understand simple jobs or intracacies of life
Been sitting in house three years with depression and crippling anxiety and worry
Facing homelessness for the rest of my life
Bad mental illness to where I talk to myself constantly and run past events and interactions that are painful or bothersome to me thru my head over and over again
Brain fog and weight gain from medications

 

[ShadowOfTheDay]

I'm gay. I Knew it from a very young age. Not a very unique or interesting story, but here it goes: I must have been about 10 or 11 when I realized that I was attracted to boys rather than girls, men rather than women. Although philosophically, I have made peace with this fact, and have since lost my faith entirely, I still find that I hate who I am, and I know it will never change. Only way I will ever rid myself of self-loathing is to erase myself from the planet. I'm not looking for pity, I'm just telling it like it is.

 

[JustAboutDone]

I originally wanted to because of my Dad. He was such an amazing man to me and I really miss going over there to watch the game. He had cancer so I was there for around 4 months day in day out from his home to the hospital to a hospice and death.

I'm sorry you went through this. It must have been heart wrenching to see your dad go through it. He was blessed to have you there

 

[Into The Wild]

The main one was when my ex cheated on me and left me on my birthday after two years of relationship. I thought we would be together for the rest of our time on this planet. That ending was the start of it. Just the sheer futility of trying. I tried so hard for her.

Since then, I have tried to pick myself up and I even set myself a goal. I want to get into a particular art school. Mainly because it is what I always wanted before I got involved with her. But also so I can say "fuck you" to her and all our "friends" who haven't spoken to me since she left me and probably blamed me. But I keep failing to get into less good art schools as a run up/trial to the big one and have realised something horrific. I am nothing more than average at best. The man I want to be is not possible.

I wonder if I am lazy, untalented and destined to be alone forever. In my mind all 3 are incurable. That day when she did that broke something in my head, like a stone through thin glass. Like someone had flipped a switch in my mind and broken the toggle. I can't recover. I can't forget it and am forced to shut off from others/be numb instead of being reminded constantly. The worst thing is that I cannot accept my averageness. Maybe that was what I did wrong. I wasn't good enough. I never have been.

I will never be able to recapture those days. It seems unlikely I will be the artist I thought I could be. My life has been a lie. By myself and others. I'd end it if not for my mother and my sister. Obliteration is not cruel, neither is it kind. But it is fair. It's just that. It's fair. I deserve fairness.

But above all? I see all around me the tragedy of lives. Of so many good people on here and elsewhere and I just don't want to live in a world like that. With so much upset.

 

[Chlo]

The main one was when my ex cheated on me and left me on my birthday after two years of relationship. I thought we would be together for the rest of our time on this planet. That ending was the start of it. Just the sheer futility of trying. I tried so hard for her.

Man, what is with people breaking up with their SOs on their birthday?? My ex did the same, and when I asked him why that day, he replied, "There's never a good time." Fucking right, now every time that time of the year comes around, I'll invariably be thinking of you, and you know that.

I feel your pain so hard.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I made a horrible financial mistake. Lost my home. Fucked up my and my SO's future, can't believe I did that, it was like a manic thing... I smoked lots of weed then.
Also I can't hold a fulltime job because of plethora of mental issues: ADHD-PI, chronic fatigue, severe social anxiety and of course depression. Also I am diagnosed with BPD. And a cherry on a cake I am transgender and I don't really pass wich drives my social anxiety to the moon.
Yay! Fuck this life. I am only here because I can't do this to my SO.

 

[21Neberg]

Extreme social anxiety to point I can't breath or talk around ppl
Mental slowness so I can't understand simple jobs or intracacies of life
Been sitting in house three years with depression and crippling anxiety and worry
Facing homelessness for the rest of my life
Bad mental illness to where I talk to myself constantly and run past events and interactions that are painful or bothersome to me thru my head over and over again
Brain fog and weight gain from medications

I feel this. Anxiety is the worst, absolutely crippling.

 

[Cookiedough8956]

Im stuck in an endless cycle. (each cycle is worse) I failed my family, failed my boyfriend, failed my sibling and I failed myself.
I have so much insecurities, anxiety, and my dumb eating disorder and it holds me back from doing anything!
Everything is a damn trigger, and I'm always on the edge.
I can't forget the past. It's very haunting.
I just wanna escape. Escape all the thoughts and pain.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I'm gay. I Knew it from a very young age. Not a very unique or interesting story, but here it goes: I must have been about 10 or 11 when I realized that I was attracted to boys rather than girls, men rather than women. Although philosophically, I have made peace with this fact, and have since lost my faith entirely, I still find that I hate who I am, and I know it will never change. Only way I will ever rid myself of self-loathing is to erase myself from the planet. I'm not looking for pity, I'm just telling it like it is.

Are you sure you can't accept yourself no matter what? Did you try therapy?
I know it's not your only issue but still... internalized homophobia can be worked through. Sorry if I am overreaching here.

 

[Into The Wild]

Man, what is with people breaking up with their SOs on their birthday?? My ex did the same, and when I asked him why that day, he replied, "There's never a good time." Fucking right, now every time that time of the year comes around, I'll invariably be thinking of you, and you know that.

Yeah, mine said "I didn't want to be false with you for the sake of day..." Which is the most heartless thing I ever heard. It's fucked my life right up and made me doubt everything I am or could be. Some people just don't fucking get it. If I get involved with someone it is because I know I want to be with them til the end. I don't get serious, physically or emotionally unless I think that is possible.

I feel you too. I am sorry anyone ever has to live through this. I would not wish this on the world's worst enemy.

 

[DeepSleep]

Money. I love money as the end goal. But I hate the process of making it.
Too bad there is no way around. Nobody said life is a candy.

But I'm _very_ glad and proud of myself for not having a family. Although I've scored probably 15 or 16 females in total, and to all you male virgins out there: It's not something special as you might crave and desire for. First few times - yes. :)

 

[ThisIsTheEnd...]

No money, no job, no prospects, no motivation to do anything about it due to the shit society we are forced to live in, where we bow and scrape and slave away our lives until we die so a select few can live like emperors. It's a joke. I know there are people who have it way worse than me but I can't do anything about it. Nothing interests me anymore since I realised life was just a stupid game, and an extremely unfair one at that. Everything just feels pointless, because it is.Thank you for letting me rant!

 

[ShadowOfTheDay]

Are you sure you can't accept yourself no matter what? Did you try therapy?
I know it's not your only issue but still... internalized homophobia can be worked through. Sorry if I am overreaching here.

No, you're not over-reaching. But I was raised to believe that i was a sinner, and given the unchangeable nature of sexual orientation, I assumed that I must have been condemned to my sin-- a "vessel of God's wrath, destined for destruction." I no longer believe this bullshit, intellectually. But it's hard to shake the moral or religious beliefs that you were raised in.

 

[DeepSleep]

No, you're not over-reaching. But I was raised to believe that i was a sinner

Wait, whats wrong about being gay in 2019 ? You're not living in Saudi Arabia or former ISIS land. It's hard to shake off all the indoctrination and upbringing, indeed.

 

[Roberto]

I'm a looser. I lost my mother when I was 9 years old (my parents separated and she left us going to another country). I lost my wife. She was cheating me during nights and she didn't want to make love with me. At last we got separated. I lost my brother because I was agressive and had bad mood. I lost my friends, because I wanted to die and tried to ctb. I lost my father because I didn't want to follow his ambitions, or because I'm lazy. I lost my job, because I was too slow doing things. And then another one. And another one lost. I'm slow. I can't understand orders or what people says. I'm insecure. I'm lazy. i can't adapt well to people. I don't like to be with people. I prefer to be alone. I fear rejection, disappointment, bad mood ... I'm a broken person. Just want to get apart from this world. I'm sick & fool about conflicts. I can't find jobs. After some years, I don't want to find jobs. I just want to be with my computer. Forget all the rest. I want to be absent of myself. I like to become older and get nearer death. I celebrate birthday alone with happiness despite my 43 years, because I'm getting near.

My father used to hit me sometimes, and he also abused me sexually, and also I was left appart being my brother the preferred son.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

No, you're not over-reaching. But I was raised to believe that i was a sinner, and given the unchangeable nature of sexual orientation, I assumed that I must have been condemned to my sin-- a "vessel of God's wrath, destined for destruction." I no longer believe this bullshit, intellectually. But it's hard to shake the moral or religious beliefs that you were raised in.

I understand, I grew up in Russia in 90s in toxic anti-lgbt culture, it took me decades to accept my identity and sexuality and get reed of shame and self-hate. It's still there somewhere in the corner of my mind but it doesn't torchure me anymore.

 

[Roberto]

No, you're not over-reaching. But I was raised to believe that i was a sinner, and given the unchangeable nature of sexual orientation, I assumed that I must have been condemned to my sin-- a "vessel of God's wrath, destined for destruction." I no longer believe this bullshit, intellectually. But it's hard to shake the moral or religious beliefs that you were raised in.

If you find a group of persons that help to fight for the rights and tolerance of homosexuality, may be you would feel better. I have a friend that is lesbian, and she tries to find people and groups that promotes the culture related to homosexuality. If you meet people that doesn't make you feel wrong, may be it would help you.

 

[Lifetimepunishment]

My constant/never ending low back/back pain .I fucking hate my body.still in dinial that I am being affillicted with such incurable disease at such early young age.fuck everything.I think I will be relieved whenever I am dead