Venting Switching Back and Forth Between Hatred and Sadness

[SquidsCuts]

I've never really considered myself a hateful individual. I've always felt I had a rather good temper.
If anything, the things that would normally entail anger for the average person just translated to sadness for me.

However, recently I've started to feel hatred, and it's strange.
I'm used to being pushed around, cut off or being stepped on. Normally I'd just start crying inside loathing myself for being born a punching bag.
Nowadays though, I start wishing people would just die. I'm definitely not going down the murderer route, I have too much love for this world, yet, the hatred I've directed towards myself all my life is starting to redirect itself to others.
I guess it's kind of like a container. Once it's full, it starts spilling out, doesn't it?

There's days where I hate myself so much I cry all day, but somehow I also think about how much I love the world. I have an extremely maternal feeling towards everything. During those days I accept I was born as garbage and I'm simply there to absorb everyone's misfortune so they can live happily.
It's kind of like, "Well, at least this kid's living thrill by doing this to me. I'm glad he's unable to feel guilt, he will never suffer".

Other days I just feel hateful despair.
"So this is how most people are. That's a shame. They don't deserve to live".
That feeling really.. "burns"?
I'm just so tired of my hair being grabbed, my seat being kicked and my existence being a spittoon.

I've tried so very hard to only bring kindness.
It's not really related to the topic but in the video games I play, I typically give away things or lose on purpose to make people happy. I do the things I wish would happen to me at least once. Whenever a player asks a question I go out of my way to help them out because when I did as a child, no one helped me.
I've been doing this for years and it really hurts to say none of those things have ever happened to me. I've never seen them go down anywhere else either, except on social media, though it could be faked.

One instance that marked me is when I gave a stranger their dream item and some currency in a dress up game.
I don't tend to care whether they thank me or not because in my heart I hope it at least made them happy.
However what happened is their friend started doing racist caricatures based off what my avatar looked like. (It didn't personally affect me since I was "dressed up" as another ethnicity than my own).
They just kinda started laughing together, and I don't know why I still think about it years later honestly.
It was unfortunate, but so what? I don't know.

I just feel like I'm losing grip of my love and willingness to engage with the world

 

[alstroemeria55]

You seem like a kind soul. There's only so much one can take. It's okay to feel angry at the world.

 

[SquidsCuts]

You seem like a kind soul. There's only so much one can take. It's okay to feel angry at the world.

It feels so incredibly pathetic to say this but it's been so long since someone has been kind to me that I started tearing up
Thank you

 

[astr4]

people can be so incredibly cruel, especially online, ESPECIALLY in video games. idk why, i guess the anonymity, plus people go on a power trip sometimes. i hope you know you deserved better than that casual cruelty and racism. both sadness and anger and any other emotion you're feeling are valid. idk what games you play but i hope you manage to find a kind community to play with.

i think anger is almost easier to feel than sadness. sadness can feel incredibly vulnerable, we open ourselves up to being hurt, it's a lot easier and almost feels justified to think "yeah they're scum i'm a better person than them." tbh i don't know if that's the right reaction either. i feel like a healthy mentally stable person would just brush it off and go about their day. but that's a lot easier said than done tbh.

I just feel like I'm losing grip of my love and willingness to engage with the world

sounds a lot like you're burnt out. tired of being kind and generous. and that's okay everyone has their limits. doesn't make you any less kind just means you need a break. you're only human.

 

[SquidsCuts]

people can be so incredibly cruel, especially online, ESPECIALLY in video games. idk why, i guess the anonymity, plus people go on a power trip sometimes. i hope you know you deserved better than that casual cruelty and racism. both sadness and anger and any other emotion you're feeling are valid. idk what games you play but i hope you manage to find a kind community to play with.

i think anger is almost easier to feel than sadness. sadness can feel incredibly vulnerable, we open ourselves up to being hurt, it's a lot easier and almost feels justified to think "yeah they're scum i'm a better person than them." tbh i don't know if that's the right reaction either. i feel like a healthy mentally stable person would just brush it off and go about their day. but that's a lot easier said than done tbh.



sounds a lot like you're burnt out. tired of being kind and generous. and that's okay everyone has their limits. doesn't make you any less kind just means you need a break. you're only human.

Over the years, my social anxiety grew worse and I now pretty much can't handle playing multiplayer games. The same goes with interacting with communities, be it for shows, politics or fashion.
That's why the very rare and few times I go out of my way to engage with people have such an impact on me. It's sort of why even though I've had this account for two years I've only posted a handful of times, I only do so when I'm either in a great mood or at my absolute worst, like when I wrote my post a few hours ago.

I think the last time I felt hatred like this was back before I even hit puberty. I'll just have to learn to live with a new emotion from now on, like a normal person.. It's scary

Thank you for your reply, it means a lot