Venting Survivor's guilt and identity (or the lack thereof)

[inkmage333]

With my ex-friends and current friends, they'd sometimes describe their pasts and how things were horrible for them. And I felt horrible, because it's not fair that I'd be just as traumatized and yet I'd still somehow managed to lead an otherwise normal life, having jobs and pursuing an education while they didn't. I can't help but feel like everything I have is something I don't deserve, things that should've gone to them instead. It's like a sense of survivor's guilt, basically.

And I couldn't ever get this kind of point across. I'm horrible with words, and I paid for it. I tried comforting someone, saying they still had hope. And I failed, because I'm horrible with words and was too hard-headed to admit that at the time, and now we're no longer friends. I think I sounded like a total pro-lifer at the time. I shouldn't have, especially with how long I myself have been like this.

I know shit happened to me, lots of it. Not going into detail about it (mainly because I don't remember the majority of it and don't want to), but I know it was enough to give me a dissociative disorder, and with that, alters. Yet, I feel like that just because I managed to stay in education (mainly because I was forced to) and had a job for a bit (again, was also forced to), I ultimately...didn't suffer enough? If that makes sense? I think I should've suffered more. I'd have fit in with the others then.

On a similar note, I don't feel like I've had a sense of identity to begin with (aside from being suicidal and empty). I've spent my entire life just being a cheap copy of everyone that's come into contact with me. I'm like an actor, only playing the role that's desired of me until the curtains close, except there's not really an actual "actor" behind the role. Whenever my therapist or the social worker I talked to asked me what do I enjoy by myself, without influence from anyone else, I can barely answer. Because everything, down to my music taste, my hobbies...hell, even my personality is purely dependent on who I'm talking to. All to make others happy. Having a dissociative disorder that messes with how I view my own identity (along with BPD) doesn't really help matters, either.

Whenever I lose people that I gained most of my personality from at that point in time, it feels like an entire part of myself has been ripped away from me. I lose purpose. I can no longer listen to the same songs, enjoy the same things again, not unless I was so extremely attached to those things that I couldn't bear to separate myself from them.

And I can't even stop. I can't gain my own identity at this point, I can't be my own person anymore. It's too late. I'm left without a purpose if I've failed at copying someone else properly.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It does sound an unhelpful mix of things that you have. It seems to me that your empathy and need to relate to others is so high and you feel this link to their life and circumstances so intensely that this guilt is all the more. And yet- practically speaking, you must realise you aren't responsible for either their circumstances or- how they reacted to them?

I tend to view it reversely I suppose. I also felt the pressure to be 'normal' in terms of pursuing an education and a career. But, that almost annoys me- that if you can just about struggle through to at least appear high functioning- people will assume you're ok. I tend to find myself wondering more- are people who simply refuse to do these things really so much worse than me? Were their circumstances so much worse? Is their reaction to certain situations so much worse? Is it that some of us are simply forced to endure it anyway? But then- maybe that's for the best. Would my life have been better if I hadn't been pushed or taught to feel compelled to do these things?

Ultimately though- it's our upbringing, genes, experiences that shape us. They were shaped their way just as much as you were shaped yours. Maybe sometimes we have things to feel grateful for- which can be good if we experience joy with that. But, if all we get is guilt then- not so much.

Maybe a look at determinism might help though. That we are effectively the product of our make up and experiences. But again- that's all random effectively. You had no say in what either you or they would get.

Ultimately, are some individuals more 'worthy' of a better or worse lot than others? A worse lot doesn't seem fair if we haven't done anything wrong. Ultimately though- it just seems random.

The suggestion of hope to your friend almost sounds typical of what we say when there's not much else left. I doubt you're solely guilty of coming up with a platitude in that situation. Sometimes it's purely out of our own hope for them. Even if we realise it isn't all that realistic. Both my friend and I come out with daft platitides for each other on occassion.