survival instinct is scary

[Rimiku]

my brain when i have very genuine thoughts of ctb starts to literally break me down into a state where ctbing doesnt feel like a way out and more just another cage like i start getting thoughts of going to hell or death being an endless torture even tho i dont believe in any of that stuff, and the second i bring back my ctb thoughts it disappears and im back to normal its making me feel like the only way for me will just be a spontaneous discission which i really hate the idea of

 

[LostHighway]

i start getting thoughts of going to hell or death being an endless torture

If/when I take my life, I'm concerned about being reincarnated into a worse situation than this life, or being discarnate ghost, or going to a dark void where I'm conscious but alone. To compensate for that I'm trying to be as loving, warm, kind, caring a person as I can be. I want to be VERY intentional on the day I die. Pray, leave behind heart-felt goodbye notes to my husband and friends. I want to "thank the universe" (even though I'm not a particularly spiritual person) for allowing me the chance to live on such a beautiful planet. I do love life and want to be respectful of it when I pass. Good karma and all that. Not just as a means to an end, but as an end in itself.