freedompass
Warlock
- Jan 27, 2021
- 768
Well I haven't been on SS so much this summer. I was busy sort of reinventing myself or so I thought. Now, not so sure, it's been a bit of a crazy summer. Started off very upbeat. My son moved out of my mum's, a huge relief at least to me. Mum seemed strangely unaffected. I was able to help her out with lots of stuff and felt newly confident and purposeful. Along the way I decided I want to move down there, to the seaside town where I grew up. I felt like it would be a way to start afresh and leave behind the memories and associations of my London life. I realise now that this is not the best reason to move because it's like, running away right? I found another social housing tenant who wanted to swap but it wasn't the town I'd initially wanted. Thought I'd go ahead but over the last 2 days I had second thoughts. It is too big a step to go somewhere that isn't even my first choice, to a flat that is a downgrade from where I am now. There's no rush. Getting back home felt good.
Then there's all the family stuff. I have a 'mother', a 'brother', a 'son' and I had a 'dad'. Honestly they are more like random acquaintances than 'loved ones', and I had just never fully acknowledged this to myself. It does explain a lot. Guess all of us have some kind of attachment disorder or something. I think my mum has DID but on the surface she passes as normal. Never sought help or been diagnosed with anything. So I was left for decades thinking that my mental illness was some sort of personal weakness. Seeing what they are really like makes me happy I am not like them at least. I realise my son and I have a lot more in common than I thought. We both grew up without love. Both been scapegoated or shunned. Unheard, unseen, unknown.
Then there's all the family stuff. I have a 'mother', a 'brother', a 'son' and I had a 'dad'. Honestly they are more like random acquaintances than 'loved ones', and I had just never fully acknowledged this to myself. It does explain a lot. Guess all of us have some kind of attachment disorder or something. I think my mum has DID but on the surface she passes as normal. Never sought help or been diagnosed with anything. So I was left for decades thinking that my mental illness was some sort of personal weakness. Seeing what they are really like makes me happy I am not like them at least. I realise my son and I have a lot more in common than I thought. We both grew up without love. Both been scapegoated or shunned. Unheard, unseen, unknown.
