NSFW Suicide as a means to atone, not to escape.

[Goyasan]

Is it wrong that I feel as though, in my case at least, suicide is being used as a means to atone for my existence? I've made a lot of stupid mistakes, really really haunting stupid mistakes. Granted, none of them were malicious or harmed anyone else directly, but they're things that would bring great shame upon my family if they ever found out.
To put it bluntly, I was given unrestricted internet access as a young kid and fell in with a lot of unsavory crowds, got introduce to pornography at a very young age and did things that are still online if you search for them and I still burn with shame even as an adult.
I feel that CTB'ing will be my chance to not only atone but purify myself too. I hope that, when I die, I can have a chance to properly atone for my existence and maybe get a second chance to live a life that's more normal. I feel deeply ontologically abnormal. I don't consider myself a bad person, and I try to do good by others and myself but it's just I live with this deep rotting feeling of shame that just cannot go away no matter what I do and while I know I could theoretically make peace with it I know for a fact that my existence would bring about discomfort, shame, and disgust from others from families (especially my parents.) to hypothetical lovers.

 

[phantasmagoria]

Have you read No Longer Human? I highly suggest it. The other name for it is "A Shameful Life" and the main character, if I recall correctly, undergoes a similar train of thought and he attempts suicide as well. The writer drowned himself (double suicide with his lover) after writing it.

 

[amor.dor]

Many mistakes cannot be fixed, but you can try to be a better person despite your mistakes. The fact that you feel ashamed shows me that you are someone who wants to improve. Remember that there is nothing romantic about death; it is a state of total suspension. There is no going back or doing anything to fix a mistake. Remember, there is no need to rush to die; death will inevitably come to everyone.

 

[Dawnfang11]

I definitely relate to some of this. Whatever your reason is, I wish you peace my friend o7

 

[Goyasan]

Have you read No Longer Human? I highly suggest it. The other name for it is "A Shameful Life" and the main character, if I recall correctly, undergoes a similar train of thought and he attempts suicide as well. The writer drowned himself (double suicide with his lover) after writing it.

No, I haven't read that before. I found a PDF of it online, so I'll give it a read. The opening prologue does seem relatable and right up my alley. Thanks. Also, ouch. Drowning seems like such a painful way to go, even more so if you're doing it sober.

 

[orvreader]

I feel similar in the sense that I also seek death as the means to atone, but don't you think you're being too harsh on yourself? I highly doubt that everyone around you would feel disgusted; you were a child given unrestricted internet access, you were set for either discovering NSFW or NSFL. But whatever you decide to do, I hope it will bring you peace.

 

[Goyasan]

Many mistakes cannot be fixed, but you can try to be a better person despite your mistakes. The fact that you feel ashamed shows me that you are someone who wants to improve. Remember that there is nothing romantic about death; it is a state of total suspension. There is no going back or doing anything to fix a mistake. Remember, there is no need to rush to die; death will inevitably come to everyone.

I understand that. It feels like, in a sense, no matter how much I try to better myself and be a good person it's the mere fact that I made those mistakes in the first place that undercuts them. Like, I know it isn't true but I just can't shake the thoughts of "What kind of good person does that kind of thing when they were in middle school?" or "No woman will ever love you if she ever learns the truth." That kind of thing. I don't really see a romanticism with death either, and frankly, I disdain the idea of it in the first place. It's not that I hate living in itself. Living is truly a gift and being alive is a miracle. I don't hate living, I just hate the way I've lived. I don't think I'm going to kill myself any time soon, I just want to get SN as a backup. I think it's the holidays that are really making me feel terrible. Being around my family, hearing how they love me and and how proud they are of me. I just hate it because I know that I'm not worthy of such things.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Have you read No Longer Human? I highly suggest it. The other name for it is "A Shameful Life" and the main character, if I recall correctly, undergoes a similar train of thought and he attempts suicide as well. The writer drowned himself (double suicide with his lover) after writing it.

My train of thought too. I want to be cleansed of all the guilt and shame. I behaved ridiculously. I would never become this person.

 

[Goyasan]

I feel similar in the sense that I also seek death as the means to atone, but don't you think you're being too harsh on yourself? I highly doubt that everyone around you would feel disgusted; you were a child given unrestricted internet access, you were set for either discovering NSFW or NSFL. But whatever you decide to do, I hope it will bring you peace.

I think so. I mean, I see people who have done far worse things to themselves but they continue on fine. It's just that I don't want to carry on with these things on my life docket, I don't want to be abnormal. I hate how my psychosexuality is all messed up. I hate that there are things of me online that I can't get rid of. I hate how I live with constant paranoia. Even if I say "I was just a kid!" that can only absolve oneself only so much. Thank you, I don't know if it will but I know it needs to be done.

 

[orvreader]

I think so. I mean, I see people who have done far worse things to themselves but they continue on fine. It's just that I don't want to carry on with these things on my life docket, I don't want to be abnormal. I hate how my psychosexuality is all messed up. I hate that there are things of me online that I can't get rid of. I hate how I live with constant paranoia. Even if I say "I was just a kid!" that can only absolve oneself only so much. Thank you, I don't know if it will but I know it needs to be done.

If you don't mind another fiction recommendation, you should watch/read Jobless Reincarnation. It's another Japanese media that I think you would benefit from consuming based on your predicament; the mc was undeniably shameful in the beginning but he grew through hardships and consequences. Online, you'd even see people hate on the anime/webnovel solely due to the mc's early stages, that's why I think you should consume it.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Many children are groomed these days into violent pornography or alternatives of it which includes hentai.
I know very well even if I didn't consume it what exists out there, believe me when I say that I know, I truly have seen most of it, rage fuel for me.
Whatever the reason, find empathy, universally. That's the only way to move forward.


You mentioned the word "made" and that you did things that are still online if you search for them? drawings I suppose? If that's the case, for yourself and only for you to see and no one else, give whomever you drew empathy this time.

 

[Goyasan]

Many children are groomed these days into violent pornography or alternatives of it which includes hentai.
I know very well even if I didn't consume it what exists out there, believe me when I say that I know, I truly have seen most of it, rage fuel for me.
Whatever the reason, find empathy, universally. That's the only way to move forward.


You mentioned the word "made" and that you did things that are still online if you search for them? drawings I suppose? If that's the case, for yourself and only for you to see and no one else, give whomever you drew empathy this time.

No. They were photos. Photos of me. I can't get them taken down.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

No. They were photos. Photos of me. I can't get them taken down.

Give yourself some empathy, at the time, you were groomed, you were coerced by definition, even if it wasn't outright, even if it seemed like consent, you were groomed to do this. It isn't your fault, you were failed by society. I'm sorry that it took so long to reply. I've went back on my words 20 times at least. Know that if I won't ctb, I'll try to be better, maybe I can save a child from the fate of abuse that many of us went through.