Venting Suicidal or just not living the life I’d like to live

[Clowndollie]

I've been feeling suicidal for a while now. This first started off because the abusive relationship I was in ended and I just didn't know what to do with myself, i felt like a shell of who I once was. I still do feel that way sometimes but what I'm mainly struggling with is that I just don't know what to do with myself! I don't go to school, I don't have a job, I have almost no friends and the ones I have are very busy with their own lives, no romantic options, no things that fill up my days… And I'm getting so tired of it. Since I was little I have liked to be on stage and I was in love with dancing, only thing is that I sadly decided to quit. I wish I had never did that, I feel like I genuinely could've done something with it if it wasn't for me quitting. It still brings me joy and I consider it one of my hobbies. I wish there was a way for me to get back on the stage, I'd enjoy working in the entertainment industry. I just feel so fucking terrible because of my mental and physical health (mostly my mental health since it affects everything I do) and I feel like it gets in the way of my following my dreams, even though that sounds corny. I feel like I shouldn't complain either because I got into what used to be my dream school for illustration. I just feel so conflicted. I want to do and achieve so many things but I just don't know how to get there. Especially with my mental illnesses ruining it most of the time for me. I just want to be happy for once.

 

[justpathetic]

It sounds like you may still have hope.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Have you looked into things like amateur dramatic societies in your area? I know it can feel like we've left it too late in life but the reality is- either we just keep going as we are and accept that we've given up. Or, we try to work towards things that still interest us- even though we may be at a disadvantage to others. I've changed direction a few times in life. I retrained in a different subject in my late twenties to try and break in to that industry. Sometimes I truly feel like it's only too late when we've decided it's too late. I hope you can find a way back to what you love. It's a coping mechanism, if nothing more.