Suicidal Ideation

[CTBHouston]

I'm stuck on this. I think about killing myself day In and day out. I've been on Xanax And Methadone for 5 years. I'm 24. I don't see myself willing to stop. I have a felony, and I'm worried that if I do end up in prison, I'm going to be abused and lose the small bits of a life that I have. I work retail. I have a kid. 5. Because of my prescribed meds my daughter's mother will not let her stay over for the weekends anymore. I can't look at kids toys without crying. Just the idea of her not remembering me as her dad kills me. She has a stepfather. I feel like a useless pathetic excuse of a human being . Every day I think of ending my life. I live in houston. I can get fentanyl easy. I just can't find the courage. Either way I always think about CtB. I might be young but who cares. I feel so fucking pathetic. Xanax and methadone turned me into a shell of who I was when I was younger. I live in a cycle of working, blacking out on Xanax opiates and alchohol, and I do it every single day. I feel like if I die now then maybe my little girl will be better. Her mother says so many things about me to her. How I make bad decisions... etc. I think I'm ready. I'm starting to have closed eye visual static telling me to CTB. My self esteem is a 0. I have a nice girlfriend, knockout beautiful. But, I'm not happy. Drugs are all I think of. I think abusing substances has fried me. Advice?

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

I don't know, man. I think addiction is a manifestation of how fucked up we find the experience of living in this world is. I'm an alcoholic but during sober periods I tend to get either bad depression or bad OCD. I guess I cope by mixing up the two lifestyles: on the wagon or off it.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Have you tried going to a 12 step program? Seems like you need to find a community of people who can support you as soon as possible -you are young and certainly have a chance to rebuild your life… I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[CTBHouston]

Have you tried going to a 12 step program? Seems like you need to find a community of people who can support you as soon as possible -you are young and certainly have a chance to rebuild your life… I'm sorry you're going through this.

I've been through rehab... 12 step, a lot of treatment. I just don't have the want anymore. I have this feeling that if I do get sober, I'm going to lose my only copjng mechanism. Drugs and alchohol are the most stable thing I have. I don't know what I'd do sober. I wish I could really make some kind of a friend. There's so many hurdles ahead of me. I just feel like CTB is the best way for myself to benefit everyone life. I feel like a burden.