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[allenprice100011@gma]

I'm new here and I've noticed from things I've read that there seems to be suspicion about new members and understandably so as I understand the need for prudence. I'm not a cop but rather a regular guy with mental health issues and an overwhelming desire to check out of this life.
Anyway, I've been suicidal all my life and have made some attempts, each one a little more serious than the ones before. I have my plan and my method and am certain that it will work this time if I can find the courage. I am really tired of living this miserable existence and at times can think of nothing other than dying. The past few weeks have been even deeper than before but at the moment I'm feeling a little better. The only problem with that is that I know this is only temporary and even when I'm feeling better I'm still totally miserable. I really don't know what my point is with this as,even if I were to hear someone tell me a good reason to live,it would still only be temporary. Nevertheless, if anyone can relate, what do you do to get through? I only suffer in anticipation of more suffering to come so what's the point of prolonging the agony when there is absolutely nothing in life that brings me happiness. Absolutely nothing. My depression has finally been classified as treatment resistant after decades of taking every medicine known to man for it. So, they have finally referred me for ketamine infusions that is supposed to show promise for my type of depression. Ketamine is an anesthetic and the infusions will take place once a week at the hospital. Maybe it will work and life will improve and I will stop wanting to die daily. Has anyone had ketamine infusions who could tell me their results? I know that the next time I go for the ultimate relief,it will not be haphazard and spontaneous. It's well planned out now and I will succeed if I gain the courage to do it; not that I'm afraid to die as that would be such a relief but it is hard to kill yourself while in a sound mind. I'm sure I'll need to get drunk first in order to be brave and stupid enough to pull it off but honestly,I simply don't want to continue on this planet and I don't believe in any after life at all. Death to me simply means it's done and what a fucking relief that will be.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Hey love,

You can ask almost anyone here, I was in the exact position you are in. I was so close to the edge, had a date and a plan, wrote my will, chose an urn for my cremation. I had it all worked out. I have bipolar and BPD, I know how hard depression is and how dark things get, but I'd try these infusions. Exhaust everything, every angle, every option. You're worth more than this, so much more. You're strong, you're resilient, you're capable of so much.
How did I get through my struggles? Well I took a lot of meds, got a great psychiatrist. You sometimes have to go through tens of psychiatrists to find one that works for you, it's OK to wanna try another one. I also dug so deep and found that last shred of humanity inside me and wanted to give it one last push. I have down days, but it doesn't have to be a straight drop into darkness. It's OK to not be ok, you're not broken, you're not unfixable

 

[allenprice100011@gma]

Thanks for your kind words. I was so distraught the other night that I actually called some people,family even which is entirely not like me at all and even though I told them I needed to just be around someone and that I needed love,they all shot me down,invalidated my feelings with statements such as," that's life man.we all deal with it". And,"why don't you just snap out of it". People just don't get that it's not that easy. Depression doesn't work that way so the reality of it is, if you need to talk you have to go somewhere like this because those right beside you don't know what to say or how to take it. The infusions are what's keeping me here right now. They start on March 10 and I'm not expecting dramatic overnight results and am aware that it may take numerous infusions before anything is achieved but my hope is in them. I'm a 49 year old man who is probably one of, if not the most miserable person you could meet whereas long ago,I was happy,funny,charismatic,smiling but life and all its tragedies along with whatever imbalance I actually have robbed me of me. I would love to have me back rather than this guy here who was crying two nights ago so yeah, I'm going to do the infusions although they're scary. You may hallucinate ( been years since I hallucinated as a pass time)while they're infusing it and you could have nightmares for a few nights afterwards but the pay off ,if it's there,is well worth it. It's also supposed to help with neuropathic pain which I have severly so I'm going for it. Anyway, thanks again for speaking kindly. I was shocked earlier reading some very rude comments made to someone who was obviously struggling and who's questions were legit and understandable as I expected a site like this would be more empathetic but then again,the world is the world that contributes to our suffering. Hope you have a great night