Subways suck

[-nobodyknows-]

I do not like the subway. It's not the crowds, or the delays, or the crappy seats. The worst part is standing on the platform and waiting for the train to arrive.

I had to take the subway today. I stood there for seven minutes, staring off at the edge of the platform. It reminds me of how close I am to the edge. How much my motivations to try to live have deteriorated. How much harder it has gotten to do things. I am like an old battery that can barely hold a charge.

I find myself trapped in the moment quite often recently. My despair simply engulfs me, and my body feels so heavy. When I move, it feels as if I were attempting to swim in a pool of molasses. It is hard to do anything in this state, and even when I do, I do not do it well.

I need it to end. I am trying so hard to hold it together. But I am still falling apart. I don't know what to do. Is there even anything I can do at this point?

I wish there was some way to explain to people that I need help, without making it seem weird. Something a bit more than "can we hang out?" But of course, mentioning the real reason is no good. That just upsets people and drives them away.

I guess that's a sign that I should not be here.

 

[Redacted24]

Oh, as a frequent rider I get it.

The invitation to make a small move and interact with the electric rail or moving vehicle is so close, isn't it?

It's all I can do sometimes to pull myself out of that part of my head and realize there are hundreds of people there, mainly commuters but tourists with kids, teens going somewhere, all of them just going about their day.

Even though it's very likely a few of them are thinking the same thought I am, for them and all the rest I pull myself together to simply stand and wait. Patiently.

Some days are harder than others.

Keep on resisting!