Venting Stupid decision-Waiting to see what comes of it

[willitpass]

Nothing new today. I just want to die.

 

[willitpass]

No fever right now, but I feel like I have a horrible cold. Very sore throat, stuffed nose, watering eyes, chills, body aches. It all just hit at once within a matter of an hour.

 

[willitpass]

Woke up with an even worse sore throat. Feels like I've got a head cold. But I'm also incredible dizzy. I nearly fell over when I stood up because the whole world was spinning. Not sure if this is related to the cut or not. It's possible I've just picked up a regular cold, but maybe if I have it will lower my immune system even more to allow a serious infection to take over.

 

[null_blank]

Woke up with an even worse sore throat. Feels like I've got a head cold. But I'm also incredible dizzy. I nearly fell over when I stood up because the whole world was spinning. Not sure if this is related to the cut or not. It's possible I've just picked up a regular cold, but maybe if I have it will lower my immune system even more to allow a serious infection to take over.

Sounds like a perfect storm

 

[willitpass]

Bit TMI but what about this whole thread isn't, just went to the bathroom and the suspected GI bleed from the pain killers has absolutely worsened. It was questionable at first, then seemed to completely clear up, and now it is textbook upper GI bleed stool. That's good news. I feel all stuffy and puffy in the face from this cold or whatever it is. Very thirsty but trying to avoid fluids at all costs.

Crazy to think that god forbid I survive this how much damage I'm doing to myself. My biggest consolation when I do stupid shit like this is that I am definitely taking years off of my life if it doesn't kill me sooner rather than later. God please don't let it be later.

 

[Tonkpils]

They say that desperation is the mother of invention... I hope your unique solution gives you the peace you seek. A family member died of a GI bleed (ironically while in hospital for something else but all they could do was make him comfortable) it took less than a day. Too many NSAIDs. Wishing you the best of luck!

 

[willitpass]

I feel like my brain is trying to run through syrup. I keep getting confused or reading things wrong or forgetting basic words.

 

[willitpass]

My back is in extreme pain. I hardly pee anymore. I'm so thirsty but I'm terrified to consume liquids. The most I'll allow myself to have fluid wise is fruit. Lord kill me please.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

My heart is broken for you and your increasing suffering. I hope for your sake that it will end soon. So much love to you.

 

[mistymoo]

How do you feel about other folks attempting and documenting this? I think I really want to try this

 

[willitpass]

How do you feel about other folks attempting and documenting this? I think I really want to try this

No you don't. This is an incredibly slow and painful process that takes an already impaired immune system, a ridiculously high pain tolerance, and an insane amount of patience. Even then the odds are stacked against you. Especially if you are not immunocompromised, trying this is just about useless. I'm half a month in and I just now started having symptoms and I'm not even sure yet that they're even signs of something lethal. The only reason I'm sticking it out is because I'm a severe self harmer willing to do war crime level torture to myself. Do not try this.

 

[mistymoo]

No you don't. This is an incredibly slow and painful process that takes an already impaired immune system, a ridiculously high pain tolerance, and an insane amount of patience. Even then the odds are stacked against you. Especially if you are not immunocompromised, trying this is just about useless. I'm half a month in and I just now started having symptoms and I'm not even sure yet that they're even signs of something lethal. The only reason I'm sticking it out is because I'm a severe self harmer willing to do war crime level torture to myself. Do not try this.

I'm very very used to being sick and in pain. I've been a severe self harder for years. I'm the epitome of a masochist. I fell asleep during a 5hr self harm cover up tattoo because i barely felt it.
This kind of pain would be familiar and welcomed. However I'm not immunocompromised. The pain isn't my issue here. I just want to know if you'd be comfortable with someone else using this as a backup plan if all else falls through?

 

[willitpass]

I'm very very used to being sick and in pain. I've been a severe self harder for years. I'm the epitome of a masochist. I fell asleep during a 5hr self harm cover up tattoo because i barely felt it.
This kind of pain would be familiar and welcomed. However I'm not immunocompromised. The pain isn't my issue here. I just want to know if you'd be comfortable with someone else using this as a backup plan if all else falls through?

This is not anything like cutting or tattoos. This is deep aches in the bones. Severe nausea that seems to last hours and hours. It isn't stinging on the skin (obviously the cutting part is, but the susbsequent feelings).
The human body, especially when generally healthy at baseline, is incredibly resilient. There are so many protective mechanisms to keep you alive and well. If your immune system is properly functioning, you will not achieve anything from doing this other than a nasty cut with a possibly localized infection (meaning it doesn't spread, it stays where it's at. Then your body is likely able to fight it off before it moves into the blood) and some irritated skin from the abrasive substances you're putting in contact with the nearby skin. There really is no point to doing it if you are healthy.
And even if you arent healthy, I would never recommend this. The pain, of course, is horrific. The confusion I'm starting to experience is very disorienting. When I was septic last time I couldn't stomach anything for days, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't get comfortable. It was awful. And the risks if you survive are not worth it. Limb loss, permanent organ damage, tissue necrosis, stroke, brain damage, the list goes on and on. I would never recommend anyone attempt this.

 

[willitpass]

Lost over a pound in water weight overnight from the dehydration. I've been restricting pretty heavily in food again too. My lips are practically white. I'm so dizzy. Still getting confused at random things and reading things wrong. The heart burn isn't too bad so I'll up the game on the pain meds today. I am willing to do anything. I don't know why my mind is okay with this but shuts down when I start thinking about rigging up a rope and hanging from a tree.
Out of nowhere there is a nasty fishy smell coming from the dressing. I double dress it for that exact reason and it always keeps the smell contained. I can see a lot of new drainage saturating it too. I haven't taken it off to see but I don't know what that means.

 

[willitpass]

Just triple dressed it as I have placed to be today and can't be smelling like your local polluted river full of dying fish.

 

[Ash]

#SorryNotSorry for laughing *hugs*

 

[stilhavinightmares]

Just triple dressed it as I have placed to be today and can't be smelling like your local polluted river full of dying fish.

You're not afraid of someone being concerned about how you look? Or having a medical emergency and someone calling for help?

 

[willitpass]

You're not afraid of someone being concerned about how you look? Or having a medical emergency and someone calling for help?

I am, but unfortunately I've been making excuses to avoid things for over a week now. People will be more concerned if I completely avoid everything and everyone for too long, considering my history. I'm used to extreme self harm and feeling like shit, so I feel confident that I can fake my way through well enough to avoid suspicion. One bowl of fruit was enough to pink my lips back up enough to not look dead, I'm dizzy every day of my life so I know how far I can push myself before I need to sit down, I'm a bit confused but I'm still coherent. It's a balancing act of sorts.

I am petrified of passing out or something and someone calling for help because there simply is no way to explain this away. They will most likely assume munchausen and I could only convince them otherwise by telling the truth. And telling the truth is obviously not going to land me anywhere but the looney bin. I truly have to find the perfect balance of seeing people enough to not arise suspicion and not seeing people too much that something happens when others are around.

 

[willitpass]

I'm so dizzy. I feel like I'm floating through water. And everything looks like tunnel vision. Noises sound so far away. It's like very heavy disassociation. I'm really purple and mottled but that's not uncommon for me due to medical conditions so it's impossible to say if that's my baseline or an indicative presentation. I feel so cold. Pale/purple and super dry lips but my sats are normal. Only slightly tachycardic. In a decent amount of pain, especially on my back, not terrible, I'd say 4/10. I've been on and off sweaty all day. Id like to go to sleep though. The cut hurts a lot. I still haven't changed the dressing to see what's up. No fevers today.

 

[willitpass]

Nowhere to be the next few days so tonight I'm going to go overboard with the pain killers.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I am, but unfortunately I've been making excuses to avoid things for over a week now. People will be more concerned if I completely avoid everything and everyone for too long, considering my history. I'm used to extreme self harm and feeling like shit, so I feel confident that I can fake my way through well enough to avoid suspicion. One bowl of fruit was enough to pink my lips back up enough to not look dead, I'm dizzy every day of my life so I know how far I can push myself before I need to sit down, I'm a bit confused but I'm still coherent. It's a balancing act of sorts.

I am petrified of passing out or something and someone calling for help because there simply is no way to explain this away. They will most likely assume munchausen and I could only convince them otherwise by telling the truth. And telling the truth is obviously not going to land me anywhere but the looney bin. I truly have to find the perfect balance of seeing people enough to not arise suspicion and not seeing people too much that something happens when others are around.

I appreciate you answering my/our questions and keeping us updated. I'm sorry you've had to go through all this. I've been through that social balancing act with different forms of self harm, albeit to smaller degrees, and I can't imagine how this all feels: physically, mentally…like. Holy fuck. Hopefully people around you will continue to mind their business.

 

[willitpass]

Unsure what to make of today's wound appearance. Still reeks, of course. Very fishy smell. The surrounding skin isn't very red at all aside from some irritation from the constant adhesive contact which I'm already sensitive to to begin with and now have had on for over two weeks. The cut itself has me rather confused. It's somewhat deep now. The more superficial layer is a bright red, about halfway down towards the middle/deepest layer of the cut it changes to white. It isn't puss, it is the actual tissue that is white. My instinct is to say it's slough, but it's incredibly hard to tell as to the best of my knowledge it is still intact and attached. It's flush level with the red area, it's not falling off or anything. All of my attempts to research it only yield images of burns or other abnormally shaped wounds. When I try to find images of cuts it's just images of adipose tissue, which this is not looking like. It was very very very painful to cut into. Not really sure what to make of it all. I came up with a new thing to rub into it today so we'll see what that yields for tomorrow's change.

 

[CatLvr]

Unsure what to make of today's wound appearance. Still reeks, of course. Very fishy smell. The surrounding skin isn't very red at all aside from some irritation from the constant adhesive contact which I'm already sensitive to to begin with and now have had on for over two weeks. The cut itself has me rather confused. It's somewhat deep now. The more superficial layer is a bright red, about halfway down towards the middle/deepest layer of the cut it changes to white. It isn't puss, it is the actual tissue that is white. My instinct is to say it's slough, but it's incredibly hard to tell as to the best of my knowledge it is still intact and attached. It's flush level with the red area, it's not falling off or anything. All of my attempts to research it only yield images of burns or other abnormally shaped wounds. When I try to find images of cuts it's just images of adipose tissue, which this is not looking like. It was very very very painful to cut into. Not really sure what to make of it all. I came up with a new thing to rub into it today so we'll see what that yields for tomorrow's change.

Could it be exposed tendon?? I cut myself once and managed to just shave the meat off my finger along a tendon. It was white and kinda like mozzarella/string cheese looking.

 

[willitpass]

Could it be exposed tendon?? I cut myself once and managed to just shave the meat off my finger along a tendon. It was white and kinda like mozzarella/string cheese looking.

No. The cut is on my stomach over an area with a somewhat decent amount of fat before any muscle or tendon would be hit. But based on pictures from textbooks from classes when I was getting my degree and google images it isn't fat either, as fat is typically more yellow and bean shaped, whereas this is flush and white. I don't do wound care very often at work as that isn't the specialty I work in and when there are wounds we have teams come in and do the wound care for us most of the time, so I have limited clinical experience to compare it to. It really isn't anything I've seen before and I'm struggling to find anything close to it. The best I can imagine is it is either slough or some sort of adipose tissue.

 

[CatLvr]

No. The cut is on my stomach over an area with a somewhat decent amount of fat before any muscle or tendon would be hit. But based on pictures from textbooks from classes when I was getting my degree and google images it isn't fat either, as fat is typically more yellow and bean shaped, whereas this is flush and white.

Hmmmm That IS interesting. That sounds like oh what's it called, the covering between the fat layer and the inner cavity, the peritoneal, I forget what it's called but it holds the small and large intestines in place.

 

[willitpass]

Hmmmm That IS interesting. That sounds like oh what's it called, the covering between the fat layer and the inner cavity, the peritoneal, I forget what it's called but it holds the small and large intestines in place.

The mesentery is what I believe you are thinking of, and it is definitely not that. That is beneath all the layers of abdominal muscle and tissues. After some more digging into the self harm community rather than medical journals I was able to find something that looks similar. It appears that I may have just hit the dermal layer of skin and gone beneath the epidermis. I'm above the fat but below the superficial layers.

Wounds and cuts have always been the one thing that I cannot do, even working in healthcare. Nothing, and I mean nothing, grosses me out, but the second wounds get involved, I have to go. Vomit, blood, feces, urine, mucus, spit, I don't care. But I can't handle wounds. I think that's why I've never been much of a cutter. Even when I was younger and did cut it was always very superficial. And that's why I eventually switched to internal self harm like starving and dehydration and overdosing. I can't stand wounds. I can tell you everything about what happens after, when it becomes infected and goes septic and such. I can tell you that for days, but I can't handle the actual sight of the wound.
I'm pretty confident now that I've just reached the dermis. It would explain the pain as well, as many nerve endings are there. It's more susceptible to infection than the epidermis.

 

[nir]

The mesentery is what I believe you are thinking of, and it is definitely not that. That is beneath all the layers of abdominal muscle and tissues. After some more digging into the self harm community rather than medical journals I was able to find something that looks similar. It appears that I may have just hit the dermal layer of skin and gone beneath the epidermis. I'm above the fat but below the superficial layers.

Wounds and cuts have always been the one thing that I cannot do, even working in healthcare. Nothing, and I mean nothing, grosses me out, but the second wounds get involved, I have to go. Vomit, blood, feces, urine, mucus, spit, I don't care. But I can't handle wounds. I think that's why I've never been much of a cutter. Even when I was younger and did cut it was always very superficial. And that's why I eventually switched to internal self harm like starving and dehydration and overdosing. I can't stand wounds. I can tell you everything about what happens after, when it becomes infected and goes septic and such. I can tell you that for days, but I can't handle the actual sight of the wound.
I'm pretty confident now that I've just reached the dermis. It would explain the pain as well, as many nerve endings are there. It's more susceptible to infection than the epidermis.

It takes a lot to get me to feel woozy, but this thread has definitely made me feel it. OP, I wish you nothing but peace, whatever happens.

 

[willitpass]

Shit my brains out today after taking an insane amount of laxatives. Still fluid restricting even though I'm so thirsty all I want to do is chug water. I've been feeling really woozy today. I took my blood pressure a few times and it's softer than it normally is for me but still within a normal range. Somehow my blood pressure is normal, my heart rate actually dropped about 10bpm from where it's been the last few days so I'm not tachycardia, I'm not febrile, but I feel even worse than I have in this entire little experiment of a suicide attempt. I'm imagining its electrolyte abnormalities from the laxatives. I'm so exhausted despite hardly doing anything that I was fighting sleep while actively cutting myself just now during the dressing change. When I took a shower earlier I was so dizzy I had to sit down mid shower and I started to drift for a bit and all I could think was "if I die right here right now I would be okay with that".

 

[undecided]

Sounds like a very long, drawn out way to go. A ridiculous method, in fact. And you're still here, after nearly 2 weeks!! Nah, I'm just not getting it !

 

[CatLvr]

Shit my brains out today after taking an insane amount of laxatives. Still fluid restricting even though I'm so thirsty all I want to do is chug water. I've been feeling really woozy today. I took my blood pressure a few times and it's softer than it normally is for me but still within a normal range. Somehow my blood pressure is normal, my heart rate actually dropped about 10bpm from where it's been the last few days so I'm not tachycardia, I'm not febrile, but I feel even worse than I have in this entire little experiment of a suicide attempt. I'm imagining its electrolyte abnormalities from the laxatives. I'm so exhausted despite hardly doing anything that I was fighting sleep while actively cutting myself just now during the dressing change. When I took a shower earlier I was so dizzy I had to sit down mid shower and I started to drift for a bit and all I could think was "if I die right here right now I would be okay with that".

I won't try to change your mind about this, or pass any kind of judgement on how you are going about ctb. Just want to tell you there is no shame in changing your mind and getting help. I do worry about you.