Venting stuck at a stand still

[icarus3/21]

ive been preparing to kill myself for almost 3 months now,and time is starting to creep closer to my planned date,i'm pretty sure ive done all the research i can and ive tested stuff out multiple times,i finished my suicide note last week and its like 15 pages worth of stuff,i can't believe how fast time even passed by,i felt like ive spent most of the time getting ready then doing the actual things i wanna do before i decide to ctb,after i finished my suicide note ive kinda gotten lazy about making sure my method is secure,but after 3 months honestly what more can i do?, After all this i really dont have a solid plan but i dont really care anymore.i'm just gonna wait for the date to roll around and try my best. I just wanna get out of here so bad. I honestly dont know where im going to go when i die but i think thats the fun part i guess? I feel like im at some sort of stand still where ive done everything i could to prepare but im still not sure if im gonna catch my ride. Some days i wake up and think "why the fuck am i trying to kill myself?" and other days where i just wanna get out of here so bad. i'm a little worried i'll wake up on my date and itll be one of those days were i feel a little less suicidal and completely botch the attempt or just get lazy and let the day just go by without doing anything. But i think its more likely ill just botch the attempt and wake up in a hospital or not be able to even hurt myself at all and get caught in the act,one night i even got really impulsive and pussed out while trying to stab myself and my parents found out becuase i had spilled like 10 pills in the process,but it seems like they treated it as a one time episode more than anything else.

i guess ill just have to play it where it lands once its time.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

You don't really sound ready to die, how's school?

 

[icarus3/21]

You don't really sound ready to die, how's school?

its fine i guess,i get good grades and stuff but i honestly hate it,i always thought the school system was a big scam,its just made to like condition you in to having certain opinions about things so you dont question authority when they decide to fuck you over,all the stuff they teach is useless.they say they are preparing you for the future but their idea of the future is when your old and dying in a nursing home and you've already forgotten about all the shit you learned,most of the stuff thats useful in your live comes through experince and not boxed in an overly air conditioned cage for like 10 hours.its just shit to suck the life out of you,atleast thats what i think.