Venting Please free me

[LostDemon]

Hello all, i'm 28 and just wanted to post to clear some of this noise out of my head, I really really really wanna CTB but the fear of living with damage is so scary because thats already the case for me, thats a story for another time. i just wanna die. ive spent most of my adult life in hospitals and institutions treating mental health. I haven;t been able to hold a job for more than a few months in a long time and ive been unemployed for a year, i want so badly to be able to live like a normal adult and just work and live a normal life but i am unable to have that experience. im deathly afraid to drive i still dont have my drivers license, it took me almost 5 years to push thropugh this fear and get my permit and when i finally set up an appointment to get driving lessons i got scammed. by best friend is died by his own hand in our apartment and i wanna see him again.

 

[Ol Messier 87]

Damn, I really don't know what to say to help, until you haven't decide your fate yet, you may still have options. I've seen people around me commit suicide over stupid teenage love stories, and I've seen people with incredibly difficult lives and all sorts of problems fight life until the end, so I feel like there really are no rules in this matter. Whatever path you choose, and I know that sometimes the pain is just too dominant, I would just humbly suggest not doing anything on a whim, especially if you feel like there's something that is still holding you back. Do you have someone, family, friends who could eventually help ?
(Sorry if this is a bit corny, but I could never bring myself to tell someone: "Sure, go ahead, do it!", even though I know exactly what it feels like to just want to get it over with, without anyone trying to talk me out of it with useless advice. I just can't help myself, so you can just tell me to fuck off, I'd understand)

 

[FuneralCry]

I'd personally also fear trying to die going wrong, it truly terrifies me how such could happen, existence really is so cruel and it's so terrible to me how people suffer so much, I'm sorry you've had to suffer. But anyway I wish you all the best.

 

[peaceandlove]

really really really wanna CTB but the fear of living with damage is so scary because thats already the case for me, thats a story for another time. i just wanna die.

Does now count as another time? I ctb but they brought me back. Twice. ... came out of it with not much wrong, maybe some mild dyslexia, tremors for a while that went away. Now I'm scared to do it again, too. They bring me back and then punish me. I'd like to know what happened to you, how it affects you, if we can relate. I hope this doesn't sound pushy, I don't want anybody to talk about things they don't want to

 

[LostDemon]

I took 5 bottles full of pills one of which was 90s days worth of benzodiazepines but it just didn't work, after a week long of being on a ventilator in the icu and a moderate ammount of brain damage later i woke up :(