Struggling to fight this!

[Need2BFree]

Hi! I hope you all are well as can be! I'm at a loss of words these days due to long term chronic depression and anxiety I feel a cognitive decline in the way my brain functions. Sorry I'm babbling. I have tried to fight this feeling but it's not going away. I apologise I should have re read the rules to refresh my brain as I'm not sure what words your really allowed to say! I'm not coping I still since October even before October this year want to ctb. You know when you time has come when the thoughts are there every single second of everyday. I want to so much, I've typed a note on my phone to tell my friend how sorry I am. That I can no longer keep fighting this. I have tried many antidepressants and many I have had a serious reaction to. Unfortunately the doctors are very hesitant to prescribe me anything. Sorry I'm not very good with words I have to keep it basic my brain function is badly affected due to chronic depression, stress and anxiety. A 5 year old can articulate themselves better than what I can. I'm here because this is the only place where you're allowed to talk about ctb. I feel so numb I only feel irritable, agitated, restlessness and anxiety. All good feelings gone I feel so dead inside, I can't even cry. That makes me feel like such a cold hearted person. Depression has taken away the good and tormented me with the darkness. I don't feel any better from going for a bath, doesn't help. I can't just lay in the bath and feel relaxed or settled as my body doesn't know how to. I pray for a peaceful way. There was this forum here on this site but I can't seem to find it I will keep looking. Please world, universe please please god forgive me I'm so sorry. I love you Oz my precious beautiful dog I'm hurting too much. I'm so scared everyone because I know what I want to do the urge is so strong.