nightlygem
La Joya
- Sep 27, 2023
- 129
Before anyone comments: "Oh you probably have antisocial or you're this or that" allow me to display what I have been officially diagnosed with.
•PTSD
•Recurrent severe Depression
•Bipolar disorder
•Borderline Personality Disorder
Ever since my father's death, I have been fascinated with the concept of dying. That being said, most of my morbid curiosity has been towards myself; I wonder what it's like to hang myself as he did. I have always exhibited violent urges towards myself, but sometimes i will get urges towards others.
When I was younger, I went through a LOT of trauma regarding domestic abuse. When my mother and her boyfriend were fighting , I kept hearing this obnoxious crying in the background amongst the yelling of my mother. It was an extra scream I couldn't help but focus on. It was my little brother. He was around 3 years old at this time. In a moment of pure panic and frustration, I ran into his room and covered his mouth with both my hands in an attempt to get him to stop screaming. I stopped when it looked like he was struggling to breathe. I was around 12 years old.
this was the one and ONLY time I have ever seriously executed any violent behavior. The rest of this is purely a fantasy.
Every pet that I've had, no matter how much I love them, there would be times where I stare at them and just fantasize that I'm killing it. Stabbing it, choking it by the neck, etc. Fortunately, I absolutely love bunnies and I could never do something like that to them. It was merely an intrusive thought at best.
However, I'm starting to question myself a bit. I no longer have bunnies and have a dog. He is 8 months. He barks and yelps at night when he's left in his crate, which seriously upsets my family that I live with. There are times where he licks my face and plays around with me when I'm not in the mood, as well. All this just… triggers something in me. I want to strangle this dog. I want to hurt him. And I'm scared.
I don't love this dog, but I like him enough to train him to be my own service animal. I know I'm not a homicidal person. I do NOT want to take anyone else's life but my own. But these thoughts are just… bothersome.
I take these thoughts and fantasies out on myself. Every once in a while I will put my hands around my neck.
Please, I know I'm "crazy" but I want to be less crazy. I have a partner of one year and I want to be the absolute best for them. Oh… I can only imagine how much worse this will get postpartum..
Please tell me if anyone sympathizes? Or at least has some advice on how to cope.
•PTSD
•Recurrent severe Depression
•Bipolar disorder
•Borderline Personality Disorder
Ever since my father's death, I have been fascinated with the concept of dying. That being said, most of my morbid curiosity has been towards myself; I wonder what it's like to hang myself as he did. I have always exhibited violent urges towards myself, but sometimes i will get urges towards others.
When I was younger, I went through a LOT of trauma regarding domestic abuse. When my mother and her boyfriend were fighting , I kept hearing this obnoxious crying in the background amongst the yelling of my mother. It was an extra scream I couldn't help but focus on. It was my little brother. He was around 3 years old at this time. In a moment of pure panic and frustration, I ran into his room and covered his mouth with both my hands in an attempt to get him to stop screaming. I stopped when it looked like he was struggling to breathe. I was around 12 years old.
this was the one and ONLY time I have ever seriously executed any violent behavior. The rest of this is purely a fantasy.
Every pet that I've had, no matter how much I love them, there would be times where I stare at them and just fantasize that I'm killing it. Stabbing it, choking it by the neck, etc. Fortunately, I absolutely love bunnies and I could never do something like that to them. It was merely an intrusive thought at best.
However, I'm starting to question myself a bit. I no longer have bunnies and have a dog. He is 8 months. He barks and yelps at night when he's left in his crate, which seriously upsets my family that I live with. There are times where he licks my face and plays around with me when I'm not in the mood, as well. All this just… triggers something in me. I want to strangle this dog. I want to hurt him. And I'm scared.
I don't love this dog, but I like him enough to train him to be my own service animal. I know I'm not a homicidal person. I do NOT want to take anyone else's life but my own. But these thoughts are just… bothersome.
I take these thoughts and fantasies out on myself. Every once in a while I will put my hands around my neck.
Please, I know I'm "crazy" but I want to be less crazy. I have a partner of one year and I want to be the absolute best for them. Oh… I can only imagine how much worse this will get postpartum..
Please tell me if anyone sympathizes? Or at least has some advice on how to cope.
