Here's how I see it:
you are suffering. The last thing you need is to make an enemy of yourself. To be angry at yourself because you didn't do it only causes more suffering. Don't do that to yourself.
I can't know what you're going through, and i shouldn't so this may not fit perfectly, but.
if you really want ctb, but that's not what your body/mine needs right now, then don't.
Relax in your bed. Sit outside. Go to the beach. Go on vacation.
Let your body and mind take its time to see its own needs.
Let your mind work itself out in the background.
Because if you've come to this point, if we've all come to this point, I'd argue with at least all thought a little bit about this decision. And your body and mind will feel that. You'll find yourself working through that "SI" subconsciously.
Because the most important thing, whatever decision you choose, you just want to be free of suffering, right?
So don't make an enemy of yourself. Don't hate yourself because you had SI.
Even if you know yourself and some of the things you're thinking and actions you're doing are silly and unlike yourself.
Because it's not your fault. So forgive yourself. Don't put yourself on time limits if that doesn't work for you.
And
I know I wanted to die knowing what was ahead of me.
Thinking that if I just escape, I'll just have peace.
I still know that is my philosophy. However things that are part of our "reasons" also hinder us from making the choice we want. (like mental illness, medical illness, etc.)
cause with ctb there's no takebacks, we don't know what's ahead, etc.
and some people will try to influence you; say this means you don't really want to ctb. but people trying to influence your decision is BS. That is the foundation of this website; make your own decision.
if you've already made your decision, whether it's to try to recover or to ctb, and you've really thought about it, then that is your philosophy.
Don't forget your philosophy/sense of self, even when bodily and mental illnesses take over.
Me personally, I have already made up my mind about ctb. But I suffer from a neurodegenerative illness, which causes cognitive decline. This can activate strange nervous system responses in my brain, which makes me scared of death before I even touch my ctb method, and then I will kind of "wake up" from that state and know that's not my actual mental state, and that it's BS.
So though I wanted to be aware of the peace after ctb while doing it, while escaping this hell, I may not be able to do that :(
I may have to drink and make my mind go blank and attach no meaning to death even though I want to.
But that's the steps I feel I have to take because once I do so, those pains won't matter and I will have what I want. It will all make sense.
so my two main points here are:
1. Do not hate on yourself or make an enemy of yourself because you experienced SI. The last thing you need is an enemy of yourself.
2. hold onto your philosophy. This is how you overcome any confusion about what to do next, even recovery.
I wish you the best and hope you find peace
