Still crawling around

[Taki]

A few times a week I do the depression and suicide assessments online (the real ones like PHQ9 etc), and always get rated as "very severe depression" and "high suicide risk", which is true of course. But I'm still walking the fuck around. I drove to work and back, paid some bills, made dinner. I also nearly broke down in the gym changing room. I got home and put a slip knot around my neck, just to feel it. Now I'm going out to have risky sex.

How the fuck does a person end up like this? Just makes it more obvious that I should kill myself.

 

[First loss]

Why do you feel depressed? What is troubling you?

 

[Taki]

Why do you feel depressed? What is troubling you?

35 years of depression. I don't mean to sound glib—and thank you for asking—but basically my life is a disaster. I've thrown it away and the loneliness is killing me.

 

[First loss]

To be honest, I understand you. I am really young compared to you and yet I fucked up in so many ways I can only try to imagine the sorrow you feel. I guess I am slowly transforming into a doomer without a perspective, love life or something or somebody to life for. I spent my nights gaming and playing chess and spend my days at school, surrounded by people who do not give a fuck about me.

Shallow. So shallow.

 

[Taki]

To be honest, I understand you. I am really young compared to you and yet I fucked up in so many ways I can only try to imagine the sorrow you feel. I guess I am slowly transforming into a doomer without a perspective, love life or something or somebody to life for. I spent my nights gaming and playing chess and spend my days at school, surrounded by people who do not give a fuck about me.

Shallow. So shallow.

At your age there's still hope.