Staying Here

[Jean4]

I am reading post after post that people need to stay on this planet for various reasons (oh @6ixxy ;) ) I am also reading how depressing this time of the year is.

This is a support post. Vent, yell, scream and let it all out.

I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. Today is a very bad day. First snow and the pain of living on this planet is unbearable for me today. I don't want to be here. That being said, I will not CTB. This too will pass. One second at a time.

I also know I am prone to impulsive CTB. My choice is ODing on meds. I have respiratory failure and it will be very simple for me not to take an asthma pump dose or meds. Last night I didn't take my meds. I immediately started having spasms. It would have been very easy to push me over the edge. But I didn't.

Today I will not CTB. This pain will lessen. Just now it is absolutely horrible. It is not my time yet.

 

[waterbottleman]

I plan on ctbing before Christmas, I'm just waiting for my SN and meto to arrive.

Yesterday I was in a very dark place, was extremely depressed and sad.

Today I feel calm, I feel ok.

However nothing changed between yesterday and today, also suicide is constantly on my mind today but for some reason I feel ok about it.

Depression is strange, life is strange.

 

[Jean4]

I plan on ctbing before Christmas, I'm just waiting for my SN and meto to arrive.

Yesterday I was in a very dark place, was extremely depressed and sad.

Today I feel calm, I feel ok.

However nothing changed between yesterday and today, also suicide is constantly on my mind today but for some reason I feel ok about it.

Depression is strange, life is strange.

Exactly. Which is why I made this post. The darkness will pass and there will be some signs of light. Then the darkness comes again.

 

[WhyIsLife56]

I was planning on doing it before I graduate university which is a few years away but right now another year of living seems really long..like too long

 

[Jean4]

I was planning on doing it before I graduate university which is a few years away but right now another year of living seems really long..like too long

Take one day at a time. Or one second at a time if need be.

 

[6ixxy]

Thank you for the honourable mention;)
Seems we're more or less in the same boat you and I. You're one of the people who's attitude and thoughtfulness I admire and appreciate on this forum. So thank you for that.
Don't astrologist's usually blame Mercury being in retrograde when people are emitting the same feelings? Some shit like that but yeah let's blame that
(Terrible) Jokes aside, we're all here for each other in some way, some more than others and that's what, at least in my case, keeps me sane. That and the sweet sweet thought of emotional release when my day comes. If I didn't attempt to laugh or make some form of humour I'd combust and probably suffer a hell of a lot more. I needed this today, so again, thank you.

 

[Jean4]

Thank you for the honourable mention;)
Seems we're more or less in the same boat you and I. You're one of the people who's attitude and thoughtfulness I admire and appreciate on this forum. So thank you for that.
Don't astrologist's usually blame Mercury being in retrograde when people are emitting the same feelings? Some shit like that but yeah let's blame that
(Terrible) Jokes aside, we're all here for each other in some way, some more than others and that's what, at least in my case, keeps me sane. That and the sweet sweet thought of emotional release when my day comes. If I didn't attempt to laugh or make some form of humour I'd combust and probably suffer a hell of a lot more. I needed this today, so again, thank you.

I always say WHEN IS MERCURY NOT IN RETROGRADE? ;)

And thank you for the kind words. We are all hurting. Life sucks. This world sucks. At least we could be nice to each other, since for some of us, this forum and the people on it are all that we have :)

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I don't know when, but I know that my pain won't go away, I am damaged forever and I want to throw it all away
Every day is the same misery

 

[Jean4]

I don't know when, but I know that my pain won't go away, I am damaged forever and I want to throw it all away
Every day is the same misery

Oh I do understand. Come here and vent. Yell from the rooftops how life sucks. ;)

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Oh I do understand. Come here and vent. Yell from the rooftops how life sucks. ;)

If only that help
Thank you Jean

 

[Jean4]

If only that help
Thank you Jean

I am in so much pain right now, I am willing to try anything. I figure we can all bitch in one thread instead of hyjacking others.

 

[6ixxy]

I am in so much pain right now, I am willing to try anything. I figure we can all bitch in one thread instead of hyjacking others.

we need a communal area IRL so we can go smash plates, I could go for a good plate smash right now

 

[Jean4]

we need a communal area IRL so we can go smash plates, I could go for a good plate smash right now

 

[MeltingHeart]

I am in so much pain right now, I am willing to try anything. I figure we can all bitch in one thread instead of hyjacking others.

true but then atleast 50% of posts on here are just huge vents or having a bitch! (understandably so!-it is of course the nature of a place such as this) but its good people feel they have a neutral & non-judgemental place to do it, which they dont have IRL!

 

[Jean4]

true but then atleast 50% of posts on here are just huge vents or having a bitch! (understandably so!-it is of course the nature of a place such as this) but its good people feel they have a neutral & non-judgemental place to do it, which they dont have IRL!

Quite true. I just don't feel right taking over another person's post with my own pain. I figure, keep it all in one place. I also know that nobody wants to hear me whine over and over about how much pain I am in.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Quite true. I just don't feel right taking over another person's post with my own pain. I figure, keep it all in one place. I also know that nobody wants to hear me whine over and over about how much pain I am in.

Sometimes it just seems to be a dialog thou-like one person will vent & someone will respond if they can relate to it & sympathise, and a lil' back & forth of mutual understanding goes on-so I dont feel like that is taking over another persons post exactly, unless OP just simply wanted only answers. God i wouldnt worry about whining over & over-most people do on here (myself included!)-have you been on the chat? ha! cant imagine a suicide forum with out some whining!

 

[Jean4]

Sometimes it just seems to be a dialog thou-like one person will vent & someone will respond if they can relate to it & sympathise, and a lil' back & forth of mutual understanding goes on-so I dont feel like that is taking over another persons post exactly, unless OP just simply wanted only answers. God i wouldnt worry about whining over & over-most people do on here (myself included!)-have you been on the chat? ha! cant imagine a suicide forum with out some whining!

I am going to have to figure out the chat one of these days lol. I am never one to make it about me. Always helping others. ;)

 

[WilliamKline]

Seriously I hope people starving to death because of hunger never have to see this type of waste just for a few youtube views

 

[MeltingHeart]

I am going to have to figure out the chat one of these days lol. I am never one to make it about me. Always helping others. ;)

ha, yeah do! lots of venting goes on & just some sillyness too!

 

[Jean4]

ha, yeah do! lots of venting goes on & just some sillyness too!

I do need that :)

 

[k75]

I'm in such a dark place right now. Last night was so bad. I didn't sleep and all I could think about was hurting myself. Four times I even got out my SN and supplies, but I put them back in the box because this isn't my time even though I want it but I don't really want it.

I just I have so much guilt, and grief, and loneliness right now. I can barely function. And I really really want to hurt myself but I know it's just an urge that will pass if I could just hold on. I lost one of my main anchors, the thing holding me back. I don't have the responsibility I had before and that makes it so easy to hurt myself.

 

[Moon Flower]

I really really REALLY wanted to go this month but I don't wanna ruin the magic of the holidays for my s/o. Christmas is his favorite

 

[Jean4]

I'm in such a dark place right now. Last night was so bad. I didn't sleep and all I could think about was hurting myself. Four times I even got out my SN and supplies, but I put them back in the box because this isn't my time even though I want it but I don't really want it.

I just I have so much guilt, and grief, and loneliness right now. I can barely function. And I really really want to hurt myself but I know it's just an urge that will pass if I could just hold on. I lost one of my main anchors, the thing holding me back. I don't have the responsibility I had before and that makes it so easy to hurt myself.

I understand which is why I made this post. Talk it out.

I really really REALLY wanted to go this month but I don't wanna ruin the magic of the holidays for my s/o. Christmas is his favorite

Ultimately, you must do what is good for you. Trust me. I lost mine on Saturday. It wouldn't matter if he did it now or in April. It will still feel the same.

 

[k75]

I'm close to just putting myself in the hospital, but going inpatient is the one thing I haven't done yet and it scares me. I'm not looking for treatment or help with meds or anything like that so my experience won't be like other people's. I just need to be kept safe from myself and not have the world around me. I need a vacation from real life.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I'm close to just putting myself in the hospital, but going inpatient is the one thing I haven't done yet and it scares me. I'm not looking for treatment or help with meds or anything like that so my experience won't be like other people's. I just need to be kept safe from myself and not have the world around me. I need a vacation from real life.

Like sectioned? I could be wrong - but I think sometimes they might force you to take meds when u are on there? But if you feel you need to be kept safe from yourself for a little bit then maybe you should.

 

[Jean4]

Like sectioned? I could be wrong - but I think sometimes they might force you to take meds when u are on there? But if you feel you need to be kept safe from yourself for a little bit then maybe you should.

I agree. I can't see them not giving meds.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I agree. I can't see them not giving meds.

I had to take quite a few even for one night- I didn't even no what they were - and they stood and watched me take. It was one of the worst nights of my entire life.

 

[Jean4]

I had to take quite a few even for one night- I didn't even no what they were - and they stood and watched me take. It was one of the worst nights of my entire life.

I am so sorry you went through that. I know what it is like.

 

[k75]

Like sectioned? I could be wrong - but I think sometimes they might force you to take meds when u are on there? But if you feel you need to be kept safe from yourself for a little bit then maybe you should.

I agree. I can't see them not giving meds.

Well I said that because I'm already on meds, a lot of them, so I don't care if they give them to me. I'm just not looking for help with that so I don't give a fuck.

I have two options. I can either tell my therapist what's going on and she'll section me or I can just go to the hospital myself and voluntarily admit myself. I would not go to the emergency room because I do not want a 72-hour hold. My son had to go through that several times and it's a nightmare. A super boring nightmare.

Well I guess I really have three options. I could also not to the hospital and not tell anyone. That feels like a really dangerous option right now though. I don't know what to do.

 

[Jean4]

Well I said that because I'm already on meds, a lot of them, so I don't care if they give them to me. I'm just not looking for help with that so I don't give a fuck.

I have two options. I can either tell my therapist what's going on and she'll section me or I can just go to the hospital myself and voluntarily admit myself. I would not go to the emergency room because I do not want a 72-hour hold. My son had to go through that several times and it's a nightmare. A super boring nightmare.

May I make a suggestion. In America, if one voluntarily commits themselves, they can sign out when they choose. If a therapist sends you, the doctors discharge you when they think you are ready.

It may be different in your country.