sapphoslastpoem
Student
- Jun 23, 2022
- 107
I'm sorry, this is just venting.
I keep putting off ctb mostly because I'm scared of dying, I have sn (don't have an ae or any beta blockers unfortunately) but I'm scared of panicking, I'm scared of the vomiting and racing heart and all of the other wonderful symptoms that come with trying to poison yourself lol.
Anyways, I already knew that nothing would change as the new year would set in, my life's been ruined since over a year ago, had something traumatic happen and as a result, everyone around me hates my guts—except my partner for some reason. I'm not sure why he hasn't left me yet. I'm not able to be around people, I have a fear of being stared/glared at and every time I'm around others, that's exactly what happens. So I've resulted to shutting myself in and never going out, constantly isolating myself. My partner yesterday decided to force me agree to becoming more social And putting myself out there more and I reluctantly agreed so I wouldn't disappoint him. He then took me with him to his neighbor's birthday party and I told him I was nervous and didn't feel comfortable, he brushed me off and told me I'd be fine.
As soon as we walk into the party, I feel like I want to puke. Everyone is looking at me, giving me weird stares, I feel like there should've been that stupid sound of a theatrical "record scratch" going off in the background at everyone's reaction to seeing me walk through the door. That's how much everyone around me hates me.
I'm immediately left out of everything, no one wants to offer me a seat at the table everyone is sitting at (there weren't anymore chairs so I stood in the kitchen, awkwardly). My partner doesn't even attempt to introduce me to anyone, so I feel even more out of place. The entire time everyone is playing card games and no one asks if I want to join, they only ask my partner while staring at me in contempt. I felt like a fucking alien around all of these people so I left.
My partner didn't even notice I walked out, he didn't notice for maybe 2 hours that I was gone and that's when he started calling me. I walked out, walked a couple of miles in 30 degree weather to an area under one of the freeway bridges. I stayed there for maybe 4 or 5 hours, crying, panicking, feeling like I needed to remove myself from earth because I feel like my pure existence is a burden to everyone. I wish I had somehow brought my sn with me so I could've taken it then and there, I never think ahead of things. I'm usually most suicidal when things like this happen so I guess I should just be bringing my sn everywhere I go so I'm more able to ctb simply out of impulse and newfound motivation.
I just sat there though, in the cold, hoping that maybe I could stick it out and get hypothermia overnight. I couldn't though, it was too painful, my feet and legs went numb, I felt delirious and eventually after seeing the hundreds of missed calls from my partner, I called him back and told him where I was. He picked me up, got me warm, fed me and kept saying sweet things to me. It actually made me feel somewhat better, he told me I was worth it and that no one hated me. But then this morning it all changed, out of nowhere he got angry with me and called me an asshole for what happened, he started choking me (which isn't something he's ever really done to me outside of the bedroom and it's always been consensual, I never thought he'd do this to me out of anger) and telling me that I'm such an asshole for making him go out of his way for me. I guess he's right.
Now I wish I really did die under that bridge, I really am a fucking burden to everyone. I hate myself so fucking much. I don't know if anyone will read this, but if you have, thanks for making me feel seen, I needed to put this somewhere.
I keep putting off ctb mostly because I'm scared of dying, I have sn (don't have an ae or any beta blockers unfortunately) but I'm scared of panicking, I'm scared of the vomiting and racing heart and all of the other wonderful symptoms that come with trying to poison yourself lol.
Anyways, I already knew that nothing would change as the new year would set in, my life's been ruined since over a year ago, had something traumatic happen and as a result, everyone around me hates my guts—except my partner for some reason. I'm not sure why he hasn't left me yet. I'm not able to be around people, I have a fear of being stared/glared at and every time I'm around others, that's exactly what happens. So I've resulted to shutting myself in and never going out, constantly isolating myself. My partner yesterday decided to force me agree to becoming more social And putting myself out there more and I reluctantly agreed so I wouldn't disappoint him. He then took me with him to his neighbor's birthday party and I told him I was nervous and didn't feel comfortable, he brushed me off and told me I'd be fine.
As soon as we walk into the party, I feel like I want to puke. Everyone is looking at me, giving me weird stares, I feel like there should've been that stupid sound of a theatrical "record scratch" going off in the background at everyone's reaction to seeing me walk through the door. That's how much everyone around me hates me.
I'm immediately left out of everything, no one wants to offer me a seat at the table everyone is sitting at (there weren't anymore chairs so I stood in the kitchen, awkwardly). My partner doesn't even attempt to introduce me to anyone, so I feel even more out of place. The entire time everyone is playing card games and no one asks if I want to join, they only ask my partner while staring at me in contempt. I felt like a fucking alien around all of these people so I left.
My partner didn't even notice I walked out, he didn't notice for maybe 2 hours that I was gone and that's when he started calling me. I walked out, walked a couple of miles in 30 degree weather to an area under one of the freeway bridges. I stayed there for maybe 4 or 5 hours, crying, panicking, feeling like I needed to remove myself from earth because I feel like my pure existence is a burden to everyone. I wish I had somehow brought my sn with me so I could've taken it then and there, I never think ahead of things. I'm usually most suicidal when things like this happen so I guess I should just be bringing my sn everywhere I go so I'm more able to ctb simply out of impulse and newfound motivation.
I just sat there though, in the cold, hoping that maybe I could stick it out and get hypothermia overnight. I couldn't though, it was too painful, my feet and legs went numb, I felt delirious and eventually after seeing the hundreds of missed calls from my partner, I called him back and told him where I was. He picked me up, got me warm, fed me and kept saying sweet things to me. It actually made me feel somewhat better, he told me I was worth it and that no one hated me. But then this morning it all changed, out of nowhere he got angry with me and called me an asshole for what happened, he started choking me (which isn't something he's ever really done to me outside of the bedroom and it's always been consensual, I never thought he'd do this to me out of anger) and telling me that I'm such an asshole for making him go out of his way for me. I guess he's right.
Now I wish I really did die under that bridge, I really am a fucking burden to everyone. I hate myself so fucking much. I don't know if anyone will read this, but if you have, thanks for making me feel seen, I needed to put this somewhere.
