northoverhill
Member
- Feb 28, 2023
- 11
Hi. I'm a 22 year-old trans woman, recently found this forum after watching Tantacrul's video (oops, lmao).
I recently graduated university with a degree in songwriting and have since moved back in with my parents while I look for work and save up enough money to move out. But I was also diagnosed with clinical depression last year, having been dealing with it since I was 15. And I've also recently been learning that I'm likely autistic.
I've been making art and music for around 5 years and like many many others, I've really struggled to gain traction or make any reasonable headway. I know I'm still young and I'm not at all unique in feeling this way, but a part of me feels so unbelievably defeated and jealous whenever I see people younger than me finding success and making a name for themselves, and that same part of me thinks I'll never be successful in any way so I may as well just end my life.
I struggle to even find a reason to get out of bed most days, and finding the energy and confidence to get up and actually realise my projects is extremely difficult and frustrating. Back home with my parents and no friends, I'm in such a sad and depressing environment that I just cannot find the motivation to do anything.
I've applied for internships and positions at music studios but have been turned down. I'm perfectly qualified, I got really good grades in school, I just fear that me being trans means opportunities don't come so easily. I feel like I'm in a world that doesn't want me to succeed in any way, and that I'm gonna be stuck here in the middle of nowhere doing nothing for the rest of my life. I'm so frustrated. I'm so very fucking tired. Most nights when I'm crying hysterically, banging my fists against my head, I think to myself "I've had enough. I'm ready to die." I feel like no doors are open to me, my life is at a complete standstill, all the odds are stacked against me, and I'm just really fucking struggling to find reasons to keep going.
I've been reading a lot of stuff on this forum so that if I ever do decide to CTB in a particularly emotional episode I can do it peacefully.
I don't really have anyone to talk to, hoping people here can relate. Thanks for reading.
I recently graduated university with a degree in songwriting and have since moved back in with my parents while I look for work and save up enough money to move out. But I was also diagnosed with clinical depression last year, having been dealing with it since I was 15. And I've also recently been learning that I'm likely autistic.
I've been making art and music for around 5 years and like many many others, I've really struggled to gain traction or make any reasonable headway. I know I'm still young and I'm not at all unique in feeling this way, but a part of me feels so unbelievably defeated and jealous whenever I see people younger than me finding success and making a name for themselves, and that same part of me thinks I'll never be successful in any way so I may as well just end my life.
I struggle to even find a reason to get out of bed most days, and finding the energy and confidence to get up and actually realise my projects is extremely difficult and frustrating. Back home with my parents and no friends, I'm in such a sad and depressing environment that I just cannot find the motivation to do anything.
I've applied for internships and positions at music studios but have been turned down. I'm perfectly qualified, I got really good grades in school, I just fear that me being trans means opportunities don't come so easily. I feel like I'm in a world that doesn't want me to succeed in any way, and that I'm gonna be stuck here in the middle of nowhere doing nothing for the rest of my life. I'm so frustrated. I'm so very fucking tired. Most nights when I'm crying hysterically, banging my fists against my head, I think to myself "I've had enough. I'm ready to die." I feel like no doors are open to me, my life is at a complete standstill, all the odds are stacked against me, and I'm just really fucking struggling to find reasons to keep going.
I've been reading a lot of stuff on this forum so that if I ever do decide to CTB in a particularly emotional episode I can do it peacefully.
I don't really have anyone to talk to, hoping people here can relate. Thanks for reading.
