Venting Sometimes I wish I was more suicidal

[SpiderMolt]

Sometimes (usually during manic or depressive episodes) I just feel so wrong and bad inside that I wish death sounded more appealing. I wish it could get to the point where I say "I can't take it anymore" and then finally put an end to it. I feel horrible and gross, I need it to end, but death doesn't seem like the best solution for me. I'm not scared of dying, I guess I just don't want to? But I feel weird for wishing that I wanted to.

Though, there's part of me that actually enjoys feeling like this. It's weird, I know, but I love to suffer. I blame me being a masochist on my trauma tbh. These feelings can get really bad at times, but it's never "too much" for me. I wish I was suicidal more than I wish for these feelings to stop. I'm not sure if I even want them to stop. It feels wrong(?) to wish these things and I just hate it. I don't know what to do or if I want to do something about it. But whatever, I'll live through it lol

 

[qualityOV3Rquantity]

I totally relate to this. I sort of want to feel like this, to feel suicidal depressed. Maybe I've been this way so long it feels like I can't be any other way. Or like I want it to get worse so I'm finally pushed over the edge.

 

[Ariii]

Same here. I don't do it as often now, but when I was younger, I would sometimes I wish something bad would happen to me to push me off the edge. I'm at the point where I feel too lazy/depressed to live, but not enough to risk going through with it because of the potential that I survive (brain-damage, psych ward, family's reaction, etc). Tbh, I've never even tried to fight off suicidal thoughts before, which I see people trying to do on more anti-suicide platforms. Suicide has always seemed like a comfort, a solution, or a safety net for me