Venting Somehow I managed to activate the suicidal thoughts from watching porn lol

[Cauliflour]

I'm gonna try to phrase this very carefully because oversharing and talking about personal sexuality are things that make me really uncomfortable but my god I can't do anything because of these stupid ass thoughts dirtying everything I think right now. It's gotten to the point where I wanna go hang myself to get rid of them but even suicide I can't think properly anymore.

God I really shouldn't've looked up porn when I was 15. It's not an addiction mind you, my sex drive has actually gotten quite low I've noticed to the point where it's slightly concerning me as I don't think it's normal to want to watch porn only like every 1 1/2 months as opposed to how many days per week you normal people do. I think it's more the fact that I'm physically incapable of self inserting so I always look at media as an outsider's perspective. I don't see myself as whatever desired porn star in that situation, I see myself watching 2 women having sex and it makes me feel gross like I'm spying on them. Not to mention how most of lesbian porn is shitty fetishy crap for guys and I scroll past so many questionable titles and thumbnails just trying to find anything decent. Hentai's worse I think yet I have more of a desire to go look for the good stuff. Is it because I'm an artist so it's just in my nature to find such cartoons more pleasing? I don't know. I'm fucking myself over here and I don't know how to express it as I probably should talk to someone about it but I can't even talk to myself about it properly in my diary entries like I'm so modest not even my brain can properly explain it. Why do I keep treating porn like it's fucking instruction manuals? I know it's all fantasy, why do I keep doing this subconsciously? Why do I keep trying to look for lesbian porn when so much of it is dogshit? Why do I keep bothering with the whole sexuality thing when I'm so fucking bad at it like I should at least have the basics down by now and every time I just feel more and more dirty for doing said thing even though said thing wouldn't get out of my mind if I didn't do something about it and fucking hell I wish I was asexual or something! They don't have to worry about shit like this. They don't have to worry about so much of their knowledge about their sexuality being off Google and porn because nobody tells you anything and when they do, it's just like queer PSAs going "girls can like girls!" or jokes from both in and out the community of varying levels of quality and education-ness.

I need to sleep, it's almost 1 am, but I can't because my dreams will keep me out of the deep sleep of making up the same sanarios just as some weird ego booster mixed with horniness because nobody in real life actually gives a crap about me but I hate these dreams now because it brings out that same guilt in me that makes me paranoid of getting into relationships in the first place. Like in order to get to the good path, I have to act like a narcissistic prick and even then, I can't even visualise it properly anymore. Like it feels like a VHS with generational loss. Why does my brain keep going over the begining part with all the talking over and over just to force me to accept compliments from fictional women who are way hotter than me.

What am I even saying anymore?

I know I should just go "alright, no more googling porn" but I know damn well in like 2 months time I'll do it again at night instead of brushing my teeth and stuff and then bitch about this all over again because I never fucking learn and I hate myself so much I wish I could fucking kill myself right now but I can't because then my parents will be like "oh how did this happen?" come across these on my computer and remember me as their fucking loser child that was so shit at socialising that instead of asking for money, they would steal it off them because that doesn't require conversation and convincing.

 

[Zyntkalla]

That is lot on your mind. To be honest, I don't really know myself. Because what I went through when I was younger.
Totally turned me away from pretty well anything and it destroyed my life. And at a certain point I just stopped caring.

 

[mlb]

thank you for sharing this, it's truly a mindfuck to experience something like that. when i was a teenager i would also treat porn in a similar way and i would honestly go crazy at some point because i would have no idea what i'm even thinking about and it bothered me for ages.

I know I should just go "alright, no more googling porn" but I know damn well in like 2 months time I'll do it again at night instead of brushing my teeth and stuff and then bitch about this all over again because I never fucking learn and I hate myself so much I wish I could fucking kill myself right now but I can't because then my parents will be like "oh how did this happen?" come across these on my computer and remember me as their fucking loser child that was so shit at socialising that instead of asking for money, they would steal it off them because that doesn't require conversation and convincing.

that's okay, just keep it in mind. there will always be times where you would resort to porn again, and that's nothing to blame yourself for. over time you will find different interests and now that you've recognized it will become even easier. how was your sleep?

 

[uniquejam]

I had fantasies in a similar way too, before porn made it more about sex than being loved which i wanted. Either way I think both are fantasy, I don't let it give me hope any more.

 

[Michelstaedter]

I feel like it's your mental "defense mechanism" to avoid suffering so much. Ironically, you suffer worse because of what you're saying. However, this is what happens to me with porn and hentai. To illustrate my case, I'll summarize my story. Perhaps it's different from yours, but essentially it seems similar.
I first encountered porn between the ages of 9 and 11, if I recall correctly. I fapped for the first time at 12, and that wasn't even watching porn, because when I combined watching porn with fapping, it was like an explosive chemical reaction in my brain, a terrible hack to cope with the pains of adolescence.
During my school years, I helped distract myself with schoolwork, socializing, and doing things that would encourage me to forget everything related to "PM" (porn and masturbation from here on out). However, since I started being a NEET a while ago, this got worse, and I ended up like you. I started having strange dreams, I began to look lustfully at certain everyday things, and so on, until there were times in the early morning when I remembered porn scenes, I desired women I saw on the street and who seemed attractive to me, and all of that ended when "PM" in the early morning and so I felt more liberated. Currently, I no longer limit myself to not generate that and in fact my libido has also decreased considerably, to the point that even though I am a man, I feel disgusted by sex at times, I feel disgusted by desiring women because, to be frank, I would prefer to go out and hold hands or hug one who told me "I love you" than just think about fucking her and with that satisfying something so animal that for me it is no longer a priority.

In conclusion, I don't know if you're also a NEET, but you could go to therapy, especially a psychiatrist, since there are antidepressants that limit your libido and the thoughts associated with it. You should also keep busy, since, as I told you, my life was less "PM" when I was studying or when I spent a few months working, but being a NEET makes that worse.

 

[Cauliflour]

Jthank you for sharing this, it's truly a mindfuck to experience something like that. when i was a teenager i would also treat porn in a similar way and i would honestly go crazy at some point because i would have no idea what i'm even thinking about and it bothered me for ages.




that's okay, just keep it in mind. there will always be times where you would resort to porn again, and that's nothing to blame yourself for. over time you will find different interests and now that you've recognized it will become even easier. how was your sleep?

It's hard growing up queer because nobody really guides you like they do with the straight teens so it's like this fine line of trying to do the teenage figuring out yourself but while also trying to manage the new found lust that nobody helps you on. It makes me wonder if gay people have a higher chance of turning hypersexual because that's how both gay guys and girls are mostly portrayed in the media, which is what I imagine most queer teens turn to considering day to day life isn't gonna give you the answers you need. It's a problem I still have: using porn as like "the sapphic bible" but I'm a visual learner and all these articles online about sapphic sexuality talk to you like you already have a partner you're doing stuff with so I don't have many options when it comes to figuring out all that side of my brain because nobody fucking tells you anything other than it's a porn genre and like the same 3 jokes over and over.

Also I managed to calm my brain down from typing that and made pancakes in the morning so I'll say my sleep was alright.

I first encountered porn between the ages of 9 and 11, if I recall correctly. I fapped for the first time at 12, and that wasn't even watching porn, because when I combined watching porn with fapping, it was like an explosive chemical reaction in my brain, a terrible hack to cope with the pains of adolescence.

Jesus Christ...9!? Damn I didn't start looking for it until I was like 15 on the /s/ board on 4chan (don't judge) and Google images because mother nature kept sending me signals and I needed some sort of solid answer on what those were supposed to be. I never had that "explosive chemical reaction", I just felt a bit pathetic to be honest.

In relation to the full post: I've never had a porn addiction. Lesbian porn is too shitty to hook onto my dopamine and besides, whatever little dopamine I have in my blood is currently having cutting as her mistress so I don't think I could even get addicted if I tried. I think my situation is more like whatever part of the brain has the sexuality bit hasn't been properly talked to yet so it's getting twitchy from a lack of attention. I don't think I really clarified this in my original post but I'm not like super horny 100% of the time. I was just in some sort of phase that night because of the mix of shitty results on Google and my growing feelings of disgust because of my association to said shitty results and the fact I felt like I had lost control for a while.