kdraft
drifted
- May 25, 2025
- 19
i still live with my parents which is not the best situation
my dad yells but the thing is
i do love my father despite his yelling but at time i dislike him for things he's done, for example he's definitely been unkind to my older brother, hit him- but "it's not abuse because there's no marks", yelled at him, made my older brother belittle himself on purpose and be okay with him doing that, or agreeing with him, such as once my older brother said "okay i get it im retarded" and my dad said "yeah" which im sure has definitely worsened my brother's mental state; which he also still lives with us because he's struggling to find a job
we also have these roommates, married couple, and they moved to this state a year ago and were supposed to live in my dad's rental house, but didn't get along with one of the renters because "they wouldn't clean stuff", so they've been living with us. The husband has a job at a Lowes', he's like 40, and the wife who's like 25 has no job, and they dont often help around the house- mostly the wife who's always home- and it's really ticking off my dad. He's yelling at them, telling them it's their fault the wife doesn't have a job, and that they dont have a car or anywhere else to stay because they keep spending their money on unnecessary things. I can understand where my dad is coming from, but im sick of hearing the constant yelling and i feel like maybe there'd be a better way to handle it, yknow.
The longer time goes on, the further i remember that my mother's huntington's limits her lifespan. I'm glad for her because her husband got a job, and that's good because maybe they can move out of my step-dad's mom's trailer that, not including them, has like five people living there. Crazily enough, they used to live in a tiny one room basically apartment, ground level with other ground level apartments, about the size of a school classroom maybe a little smaller, and then a grease fire happened and then they got evicted and had to move to that trailer. Currently, the only thing really making me happy anymore is friends or marching band related. I'm in a community marching band. But those all only work to a certain extent. I cried twice today, and relapsed a bit. But to me, relapsing feels like no big deal. Happens at least once a week, it feels normal, so thus i feel off if i dont relapse within a week span. It's at least something that will stay the same which is comforting. What's annoying is having to cover it up. Something about me mentally, it's really difficult to cut anywhere besides my arms. It's just easiest and feels more natural- but im stuck wearing hoodies all the time- and i've grown very accustomed to the nice thing called pockets, but people, mostly family or friends, question me, like, "why are you wearing a hoodie in summer" which i'd rather not be, it's really hot in summer, hundred degrees- i start feeling overheated at 75 degrees and i prefer about a temperature of 55 degrees. I know i could wear a long sleeve under a t shirt, but it's more likely to roll up, and alongside that, less convenient pockets. I've cut on my thighs and legs before too, and very upper shoulder, it's just so inconvenient. I don't like looking at my body so having to actually take off anything clothing is not very fun for me. I've also been frustrated because i play clarinet, and i keep being stupid and breaking my reeds all the time, and it's surprisingly difficult for me to get three dollars for a new one. Especially because i've been desparately trying to get a job but nobody wants to hire me- even though i had a high GPA in high school- almost always above 3.5- and 4.0 my entire life till 7th grade- so i feel like people who say gpa has a huge effect on getting jobs might be lying. Obviously not the only thing, but it is frustrating. Can't exactly play with a madly chipped reed.
On top of all that, im just sick of existing. Meds aren't exactly helping, as usual, but everyone else decides for me that they are helping. I find it odd when i say "hey, my meds aren't really working", then people around me are so confident in saying "they are working, you just dont pay attention/dont notice"
like man, i feel like i'd notice because im the one taking them and feeling things and experiencing changes- negative or positive, and if there's any effects at all. It's whatever I guess though.
just a small vent i suppose
i wish it was easier to get blades out of pencil sharpeners though, I have this pencil sharpener i somehow managed to get one out of, but the other part of it is a lot harder to remove it. I got it because my razor blades got dull, and as i was trying to use the razor blade to twist out the screw, as i did the other one, it- like with the other one- caused the razor blade to start chipping. And it's a small gap to so it's extra hard and i wish it was far easier to just remove the box from the lid. I'll figure it out, of course, but it's highly inconvenient.
all that aside, i'll end the vent here. I just felt like saying some stuff that i could genuinely never tell anyone i know in person. Because they'd immediately suggest a mental hospital, and I don't feel like going back to any of those.
my dad yells but the thing is
i do love my father despite his yelling but at time i dislike him for things he's done, for example he's definitely been unkind to my older brother, hit him- but "it's not abuse because there's no marks", yelled at him, made my older brother belittle himself on purpose and be okay with him doing that, or agreeing with him, such as once my older brother said "okay i get it im retarded" and my dad said "yeah" which im sure has definitely worsened my brother's mental state; which he also still lives with us because he's struggling to find a job
we also have these roommates, married couple, and they moved to this state a year ago and were supposed to live in my dad's rental house, but didn't get along with one of the renters because "they wouldn't clean stuff", so they've been living with us. The husband has a job at a Lowes', he's like 40, and the wife who's like 25 has no job, and they dont often help around the house- mostly the wife who's always home- and it's really ticking off my dad. He's yelling at them, telling them it's their fault the wife doesn't have a job, and that they dont have a car or anywhere else to stay because they keep spending their money on unnecessary things. I can understand where my dad is coming from, but im sick of hearing the constant yelling and i feel like maybe there'd be a better way to handle it, yknow.
The longer time goes on, the further i remember that my mother's huntington's limits her lifespan. I'm glad for her because her husband got a job, and that's good because maybe they can move out of my step-dad's mom's trailer that, not including them, has like five people living there. Crazily enough, they used to live in a tiny one room basically apartment, ground level with other ground level apartments, about the size of a school classroom maybe a little smaller, and then a grease fire happened and then they got evicted and had to move to that trailer. Currently, the only thing really making me happy anymore is friends or marching band related. I'm in a community marching band. But those all only work to a certain extent. I cried twice today, and relapsed a bit. But to me, relapsing feels like no big deal. Happens at least once a week, it feels normal, so thus i feel off if i dont relapse within a week span. It's at least something that will stay the same which is comforting. What's annoying is having to cover it up. Something about me mentally, it's really difficult to cut anywhere besides my arms. It's just easiest and feels more natural- but im stuck wearing hoodies all the time- and i've grown very accustomed to the nice thing called pockets, but people, mostly family or friends, question me, like, "why are you wearing a hoodie in summer" which i'd rather not be, it's really hot in summer, hundred degrees- i start feeling overheated at 75 degrees and i prefer about a temperature of 55 degrees. I know i could wear a long sleeve under a t shirt, but it's more likely to roll up, and alongside that, less convenient pockets. I've cut on my thighs and legs before too, and very upper shoulder, it's just so inconvenient. I don't like looking at my body so having to actually take off anything clothing is not very fun for me. I've also been frustrated because i play clarinet, and i keep being stupid and breaking my reeds all the time, and it's surprisingly difficult for me to get three dollars for a new one. Especially because i've been desparately trying to get a job but nobody wants to hire me- even though i had a high GPA in high school- almost always above 3.5- and 4.0 my entire life till 7th grade- so i feel like people who say gpa has a huge effect on getting jobs might be lying. Obviously not the only thing, but it is frustrating. Can't exactly play with a madly chipped reed.
On top of all that, im just sick of existing. Meds aren't exactly helping, as usual, but everyone else decides for me that they are helping. I find it odd when i say "hey, my meds aren't really working", then people around me are so confident in saying "they are working, you just dont pay attention/dont notice"
like man, i feel like i'd notice because im the one taking them and feeling things and experiencing changes- negative or positive, and if there's any effects at all. It's whatever I guess though.
just a small vent i suppose
i wish it was easier to get blades out of pencil sharpeners though, I have this pencil sharpener i somehow managed to get one out of, but the other part of it is a lot harder to remove it. I got it because my razor blades got dull, and as i was trying to use the razor blade to twist out the screw, as i did the other one, it- like with the other one- caused the razor blade to start chipping. And it's a small gap to so it's extra hard and i wish it was far easier to just remove the box from the lid. I'll figure it out, of course, but it's highly inconvenient.
all that aside, i'll end the vent here. I just felt like saying some stuff that i could genuinely never tell anyone i know in person. Because they'd immediately suggest a mental hospital, and I don't feel like going back to any of those.
